Husband having suicidal thoughts

[Anonymous]

I suspect the fact that he journaled this and shared the plan with you would get him seen, held for a day or so and referred to a psychiatrist from the ER

[Anonymous]

When you call the ER tell them he journaled about suicide and then he shared his plans with you.

[Anonymous]

OP here, quick update. He has been seemingly normal today. He had his regular appointment with his therapist today where she did more in depth assessments. He has a psychiatry appointment (and actual psychology appointment, in addition to his next therapy Appt) set up for next week- we are still trying to see if there’s any place to get him in earlier, but with COVID, there’s a lot going on with the hospital situation but we also have absolutely no family around to help us. He absolutely knows if these thoughts return to tell me and we will need to go immediately. He did read the journal entry to his therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some things you can do in addition to what others have said:

supervision, when someone is depressed and having suicidal ideation their brain plays tricks on them. Truly makes them think sometimes that others will be better off without them. It’s really terrible and not selfish like people sometimes say, their brain plays tricks on them. So you need to provide supervision as much as possible (personally I would not let my husband be alone in your situation and yes my husband has had suicidal ideation in the past). Basically you need to protect him from his brain that is trying to trick him by being present so he doesn’t have the chance to make an impulsive decision.

Remove the means: remove as many means to harm oneself from your home. Since he had a plan by hanging, consider and talk with him about what he thought he might use and REMOVE THOSE ITEMS IMMEDIATELY so they cannot be accessed (completely out of the home). If there is a gun in the home, remove it IMMEDIATELY. You can ask a trusted friend to hold it for you. But you need to remove easy ways to do this because again his brain is trying to trick him. If you remove means, you give yourself more time and less likelihood of impulsive and more lethal means. Remove pills and medication.

While you work with his therapist and yours, develop a safety plan together. “I know we are having an incredibly rough time together, but I need you to know tbat we need you and we want you HERE. Suicidal thoughts are not uncommon when depressed and I understand you are struggling. But your brain is trying to trick you and I want you here with us and the kids. Our lives are better with you in it no matter what happens with our marriage. Can we develop a plan Together for what you will do if you have thoughts again?” Walk through very specific steps. Also ask him what has kept him from doing it in the past? When he thoight about it; what made him stop? Use that to help make a plan together. You can also do this with his therapist which would be ideal.

Find the mental health emergency and crisis lines in your area. Google will usually come up with them. There are usually mental health crisis teams, sometimes they will come to your house. So you have someone you can access immediately if you become concerned (please call 911 if you have immediate concerns for safety, this is more for assessments and support)

I hear people saying go to the ER and don’t disagree, but you need to discuss with him and maybe see if he is willing to engage in inpatient treatment. Know that someone cannot be committed against their will unless they are an immediate threat and PLAN to do something when they leave. But ideally he would agree to treatment. I agree with meds but again you need to talk to his therapist and him.

My recommendation as someone whose husband has done this is empathize, normalize, and be present with him. Let him know he can talk to you about this - you can handle it, he doesn’t need to hide it. Yes you are scared and taking it very seriously but you understand this is the depression talking not him. You need to keep the lines of communication open.

Thinking of both you and him. Meds did wonders for my husband over time, he hasn’t had suicidal ideation for 8 years and our marriage is infinitely better than it was during that time. There is hope.

Op here. Thank you so much for this thoughtful and thorough post. Very thankful you took the time to type that out.

[Anonymous]

OP- I don't have any specific expertise to offer, but I am also concerned about your safety and your children's safety.

Our family had a positive experience with our minor child at Shephard Pratt in EC after an ER trip for the same issue. It was a tipping point in getting her stabilized.

Given your responsibility for minor children I suggest you err on the side of overreaction. I'm curious your DH's dr does not appear to be doing same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I don't have any specific expertise to offer, but I am also concerned about your safety and your children's safety.

Our family had a positive experience with our minor child at Shephard Pratt in EC after an ER trip for the same issue. It was a tipping point in getting her stabilized.

Given your responsibility for minor children I suggest you err on the side of overreaction. I'm curious your DH's dr does not appear to be doing same.

Thank you. I am also not sure how much of an “emergency” this is- if he feels like he is feeling okay now. Ugh. To be honest I am not concerned with mine or my children’s safety- that is not where his thoughts are.

I am not local, which is too bad because two people have mentioned Shephard Pratt. There are no great mental health resources around us.

I feel so bad for my husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I don't have any specific expertise to offer, but I am also concerned about your safety and your children's safety.

Our family had a positive experience with our minor child at Shephard Pratt in EC after an ER trip for the same issue. It was a tipping point in getting her stabilized.

Given your responsibility for minor children I suggest you err on the side of overreaction. I'm curious your DH's dr does not appear to be doing same.

Thank you. I am also not sure how much of an “emergency” this is- if he feels like he is feeling okay now. Ugh. To be honest I am not concerned with mine or my children’s safety- that is not where his thoughts are.

I am not local, which is too bad because two people have mentioned Shephard Pratt. There are no great mental health resources around us.

I feel so bad for my husband. [/quote

As a husband who has struggled with suicidal thoughts and once had a plan...I never would have harmed my kids/spouse and doubt that most husbands would. You sound very empathetic. For me some empathy would have gone a long way toward my healing. Instead my father-in-law told me to shoot myself and my wife told me to make sure it looked like an accident so they would collect the insurance.

Good times.

I would appeal to him about what a permanent action would do to the kids. That they need their father. That financially it would also be very harmful for the whole family, too. Maybe even say "Would you want me feeling guilt the rest of my life over your death? Because that is what suicide does. The pain doesn't go away...you just pass the buck to your family and friends."

[Anonymous]

Thinking of you op.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I don't have any specific expertise to offer, but I am also concerned about your safety and your children's safety.

Our family had a positive experience with our minor child at Shephard Pratt in EC after an ER trip for the same issue. It was a tipping point in getting her stabilized.

Given your responsibility for minor children I suggest you err on the side of overreaction. I'm curious your DH's dr does not appear to be doing same.

Thank you. I am also not sure how much of an “emergency” this is- if he feels like he is feeling okay now. Ugh. To be honest I am not concerned with mine or my children’s safety- that is not where his thoughts are.

I am not local, which is too bad because two people have mentioned Shephard Pratt. There are no great mental health resources around us.

I feel so bad for my husband.

Oh OP. I'm so sorry. This is heartbreaking.

Two things, however: 1) of course he's telling you he feels okay now. He doesn't want to get committed.
2) of course he wouldn't tell you if he were having violent thoughts towards others.
As someone who has suffered from cyclical major depression for 25 years, I have never admitted to anyone (even my DH) that I had seriously dark and f'ed up thoughts at times. Things I cannot even bring myself to type here anonymously. I also only ever admitted to wanting to die once I wasn't depressed anymore. I didn't say a word about it. Even when I constantly fantasized about it. He will not tell you everything that's going on in his head, especially if your marriage is in trouble right now. Don't leave him alone. Don't let him go on walks alone. I'm sorry, but he is in crisis right now even if things start to seem normal.

[Anonymous]

Call here and see if he can get your husband in https://www.atarahealth.com/
He has weekend appointments/telehealth. He literally saved my sibling who was in a bad place

[Anonymous]

Not sure what county you are in- but here is Fairfax emergency mental health info. You can call them yourself to get some advice https://www.fairfaxcounty.gov/community-services-board/services/merrifield-crisis-response-center

[Anonymous]

Pp here of the very long post, so glad it was helpful op. Sending you strength through this. It can be incredibly difficult living with someone who is depressed, even when being as empathic as possible you feel like you want to shake them. Take steps each day and don’t be afraid to keep asking and checking in. You will not give him thoughts by asking - keep asking. Hey, have you had any thoughts of hurting yourself today? Be direct. I still ask my husband 8 years later straight out if he’s having a rough time. Just did it a couple weeks ago when quarantine was wearing on him and I could see his depression creeping in a little. Because I know his brain can take him there sometimes when he’s feeling low, i make it a point to give him the opportunity to tell me without having to come to me. We still have a safety plan all these years later. That being said our daily lives are wonderful and that tough year feels so long ago. So anyway, I hope this is slightly hopeful and also realistic.

[Anonymous]

Ps I know one poster said your husband isn’t being honest, I don’t think that’s necessarily true. That poster didn’t feel comfortable sharing their SI during the depression, your spouse came to you. Everyone is different. I do believe my spouse is honest with me about his SI and knows I am a safe space to discuss it. I’m sure he doesn’t tell me everything, but it really makes a difference how people respond (not saying that is why pp didn’t feel comfortable but I just don’t think that’s universal and the pp is right you need to take precautions regardless in case). Also pay attention to language, dont say “you’re not having thoughts are you?” That tells him you’re hoping the answer is no. Providers can do this too without realizing. Just ask non-judgmentally but directly when you are checking in.

[Anonymous]

How is he sleeping? Men go through PPD also, especially with lack of sleep. If he hasn’t been getting a solid 8 hrs (or minimum 5 hr uninterrupted stretch per night, plus another 2-3 hrs scattered), make this a priority. Get him to do 30 min of exercise outdoors and make him take Omega 3 fish oil and a Vit D supplement in addition to whatever his dr recommends.

My husband was in the same place when our kids were that age. Similar to the quarantine, we were working from home due to lack of help and family support. He recovered without meds or hospitalization. However he did not have issues with depression prior. I think it was a sleep deprivation and life change issue. It was really rough. I’m sorry OP. Keep checking with your intuition and follow as best you can. Google PPD dads, there was a decent British site I found. Sleep, exercise, nutrition and community can be really healing. After that it just takes time. My husband was out of crisis mode after a few months of hitting bottom. Probably took a year to get things more back to normal. About two years out now and he is not only his old happy self, he has learned so much about himself and his emotions. Hang in there. It’s a good sign he is reaching out.