I don't want to participate in weekly Zoom calls with IL's

[Anonymous]

I don't worry about being the face on the screen as long as I am within earshot and can participate in the conversation. So I move the laptop to the kitchen table for the call. My wife can be on the call with the kids and I make sure I stay in the room. I make sure laundry is done before the call and put the laundry basket in the kitchen. If I need, I can sit off to the side and fold laundry. But I have also working on dinner prep and other kitchen tasks while the call is on. As long as I can hear and answer questions when asked and they know that I am in the room, we're all fine. In my case I have the benefit that we have the two youngest grandchildren and everyone prefers that the kids sit in front of the camera anyway, so they aren't surprised if I'm not in the picture, but off camera and listening and answering.

[Anonymous]

If stop this now before you have kids, if you choose to do so. I talk to my mom all of the time but I’m not having weekly zoom or FaceTime calls with her. Definitely not doing them with my ILs. DH can handle calls with his family. I pop in to say hello and that’s it.

My mom complains she doesn’t see my children enough. I’m not taking responsibility to set that up either. The kids are old enough for cells and I remind them to FaceTime their grandparents but it works both ways. My parents can also call them one on one. I’m over the zoom and FaceTime guilt and the kids don’t like large zoom calls with all of the cousins like my parents want. It’s too confusing and overwhelming.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

[Anonymous]

I get weekly zoom calls if you have kids. If you don’t have kids, I think weekly is too much. How about you join in once a month?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse does these and I don’t participate - I hate zoom. Similarly, he does not have to participate in calls with my mom. You do you.

I don’t participate in my spouse’s family’s Zoom happy hours or group chats either. Some spouses participate, some don’t. I don’t think they really miss me.

They think you are obnoxious. They aren’t going to say anything, but believe me, they are taking note.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse does these and I don’t participate - I hate zoom. Similarly, he does not have to participate in calls with my mom. You do you.

I don’t participate in my spouse’s family’s Zoom happy hours or group chats either. Some spouses participate, some don’t. I don’t think they really miss me.

They think you are obnoxious. They aren’t going to say anything, but believe me, they are taking note.

Umm... let them take notes??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

I’m not OP or PP but why is it obvious she doesn’t care? How do you know she isn’t actually busy.?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse does these and I don’t participate - I hate zoom. Similarly, he does not have to participate in calls with my mom. You do you.

I don’t participate in my spouse’s family’s Zoom happy hours or group chats either. Some spouses participate, some don’t. I don’t think they really miss me.

They think you are obnoxious. They aren’t going to say anything, but believe me, they are taking note.

Umm... let them take notes??

Taking note of what? How do they know she isn’t tired or busy or introverted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

My ILs are marathon phone/FaceTime talkers. I'm not; my family does quick chats frequently; my husband's parents want to FT for at least an hour. Neither way is "wrong." I chat for a few minutes, then move on, and pop in and out here or there. I don't resent them tying up my husband for an hour, and hopefully they don't resent that I just don't like marathons. If that is perceived as "not giving a crap," oh well. I'm not bothered. I am always kind, polite, and thoughtful with them. If they choose to view my lack of conformity as not caring, that is out of my control.

-NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

I could say a lot about introverts and communication styles and how working parents with kids should grab any breaks they can -- but honestly, yeah, maybe she doesn't give a crap. She's not required to. She married your sibling, not you. If she meets the minimum bar of being civil, she has done all she needs to do.

Much better for her to get up after a short chat, than to resent you because she wants to be anywhere else than on the call. That's how IL relationships get ruined.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse does these and I don’t participate - I hate zoom. Similarly, he does not have to participate in calls with my mom. You do you.

I don’t participate in my spouse’s family’s Zoom happy hours or group chats either. Some spouses participate, some don’t. I don’t think they really miss me.

They think you are obnoxious. They aren’t going to say anything, but believe me, they are taking note.

LOL. No one cares to have the good opinion of narcissistic bores.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

So what? She is an adult and you are an adult. You sound like you are looking for something to be offended about. Your SiL already knows this and is not playing. You can’t control other adults. Get a life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse does these and I don’t participate - I hate zoom. Similarly, he does not have to participate in calls with my mom. You do you.

I don’t participate in my spouse’s family’s Zoom happy hours or group chats either. Some spouses participate, some don’t. I don’t think they really miss me.

They think you are obnoxious. They aren’t going to say anything, but believe me, they are taking note.

LOL. No one cares to have the good opinion of narcissistic bores.

Exactly! Who care what in-laws think.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this were my IL's, I'd appear for the start of the call if I was free, and then I'd just get up and start doing other stuff. I don't understand why you think you have to be there the whole time?

That’s what my sister-in-law does every call. It is obvious she could give a crap about us. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

My ILs are marathon phone/FaceTime talkers. I'm not; my family does quick chats frequently; my husband's parents want to FT for at least an hour. Neither way is "wrong." I chat for a few minutes, then move on, and pop in and out here or there. I don't resent them tying up my husband for an hour, and hopefully they don't resent that I just don't like marathons. If that is perceived as "not giving a crap," oh well. I'm not bothered. I am always kind, polite, and thoughtful with them. If they choose to view my lack of conformity as not caring, that is out of my control.

-NP

What the hell do they talk about for an hour & looking at each other? My parents would think I was crazy if I wanted to keep them on the phone (especially facetime) that long.

[Anonymous]

OP, how long are the calls??