I despise my MIL. Return to sender or just accept and not thank her.

[Anonymous]

Oh no, she copied your DH in for a reason. Be smart. Receive the gift, and text her thank you, it was lovely. Then move on.

The reason I say this is she will use it against you if you do anything other than be gracious. It gives her an opening to complain to your DH, it gives her an opening to complain to other people about how you are the problem in the relationship.

You don't have to like her or have a relationship with her but treat her like you would an acquaintance with basic courtesy. It doesn't give her any ammo against you.

Then after you have text a thank you toss the present in the bin. Then there is nothing she can say to anyone.

My MIL did the same. She would make sure DH saw her do all sorts of nice things after she was nasty and then complained to DH "see I try so hard with her". I dropped the rope, did the minimal I had to when it was required. Plus it seemed to irritate her more when I didn't react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, she copied your DH in for a reason. Be smart. Receive the gift, and text her thank you, it was lovely. Then move on.

The reason I say this is she will use it against you if you do anything other than be gracious. It gives her an opening to complain to your DH, it gives her an opening to complain to other people about how you are the problem in the relationship.

You don't have to like her or have a relationship with her but treat her like you would an acquaintance with basic courtesy. It doesn't give her any ammo against you.

Then after you have text a thank you toss the present in the bin. Then there is nothing she can say to anyone.

My MIL did the same. She would make sure DH saw her do all sorts of nice things after she was nasty and then complained to DH "see I try so hard with her". I dropped the rope, did the minimal I had to when it was required. Plus it seemed to irritate her more when I didn't react.

Okay, fine I'll do this. Wish I was clever enough to think of a backhanded thank you that really read like more of an F you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound really horrible.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, if she sent it to DH too so he would follow up, it kind of makes it sound like OP is the problem

Ha ha. No it's a manipulation tactic. They can shift the blame then by saying look how hard I try and this person is so difficult. There is never any introspection to wonder why someone would not want anything to do with them.

Like the time MIL came over with a birthday present for me (first one ever after being married for 5 years) and gave it to me two weeks late and actually said to me, "Oh I had to bring it over son hasn't talked to me in 2 weeks". Yes she made sure I understood it really wasn't for me.

Toxic people are nasty and there is always an ulterior motive. I almost handed the present to DH saying to him "oh this is actually for you" but I just said thank you and walked away as she hugged DH and made sure he was no longer upset over who knows what. She didn't even say bye to me, she had gotten what she wanted, DH was no longer upset with her and she was happy. These types are truly pathetic.

I dare say if Dh is now talking to her she feels like she has to look like she is trying on some level. She is probably hoping for no reply or something nasty so she can point to OP and say "see I'm not the problem".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you wouldn't say thanks and accept it. Set it on fire later or whatever, but don't you think it'll cause a bigger problem if you refuse it?

+1 It sounds like OP thrives on the drama and is instigating an argument.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, she copied your DH in for a reason. Be smart. Receive the gift, and text her thank you, it was lovely. Then move on.

The reason I say this is she will use it against you if you do anything other than be gracious. It gives her an opening to complain to your DH, it gives her an opening to complain to other people about how you are the problem in the relationship.

You don't have to like her or have a relationship with her but treat her like you would an acquaintance with basic courtesy. It doesn't give her any ammo against you.

Then after you have text a thank you toss the present in the bin. Then there is nothing she can say to anyone.

My MIL did the same. She would make sure DH saw her do all sorts of nice things after she was nasty and then complained to DH "see I try so hard with her". I dropped the rope, did the minimal I had to when it was required. Plus it seemed to irritate her more when I didn't react.

Okay, fine I'll do this. Wish I was clever enough to think of a backhanded thank you that really read like more of an F you.

Well maybe leave it at 'thank you for the gift' and leave out the 'it was lovely'. Then toss it in the garbage.

Just think of it as anyone else giving you something, it's common to say thanks. That's all that is expected and really it stops her being able to ring your Dh and ask whether you got it because she hasn't heard anything, it stops a lot of drama. She also can't complain to others because what is she going to say "oh I sent a gift and OP didn't fawn over it she just said thanks". People will think she's crazy if she says that.

You don't need to start up communications with her and I wouldn't mention her to DH or the gift. These people are annoying, try to not dwell on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, she copied your DH in for a reason. Be smart. Receive the gift, and text her thank you, it was lovely. Then move on.

The reason I say this is she will use it against you if you do anything other than be gracious. It gives her an opening to complain to your DH, it gives her an opening to complain to other people about how you are the problem in the relationship.

You don't have to like her or have a relationship with her but treat her like you would an acquaintance with basic courtesy. It doesn't give her any ammo against you.

Then after you have text a thank you toss the present in the bin. Then there is nothing she can say to anyone.

My MIL did the same. She would make sure DH saw her do all sorts of nice things after she was nasty and then complained to DH "see I try so hard with her". I dropped the rope, did the minimal I had to when it was required. Plus it seemed to irritate her more when I didn't react.

Okay, fine I'll do this. Wish I was clever enough to think of a backhanded thank you that really read like more of an F you.

From your posts it is pretty clear that it isn't the MIL who is the problem in your relationship with her. You sound like a really unhappy and unlikable person with no manners. It is hard to see what your husband sees in you with this behavior towards his mother. Accept the gift, say thank you nicely and then discretely discard the gift. Surely your parents brought you up better than the way you're acting???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you wouldn't say thanks and accept it. Set it on fire later or whatever, but don't you think it'll cause a bigger problem if you refuse it?

+1 It sounds like OP thrives on the drama and is instigating an argument.

DP no sometimes people are so nasty and hurtful that you just don't want anything to do with them, you don't want to be reminded of them and if you do have to converse with them it just stirs up emotions about what has happened and what hasn't been resolved. Sometimes you just don't want to see them again and want them to completely leave you alone, which can be difficult if it's extended family.

There are plenty of truly wonderful people out there but you surely can't be naive enough to think that everyone on this planet is nice.

[Anonymous]

I agree that CC DH is a bitchy move, but why wouldn’t you just see it as a good thing and let your DH handle it? It’s his mother. Presumably he knows you don’t want gifts from her. Why are you having any contact with her at all? Just block the sender, let your DH know you’ve done that because you prefer no communication with her. Simple. You really do seem to be making drama. Just pretend nothing happened. If DH gives you the gift, say thanks but I’d rather not take it, feel free to dispose of it the way you feel appropriate. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Text her thank you and include dh.

Do whatever you want with the present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not getting into all of the reasons why I can't stand my MIL and refuse to have more than the most minimal necessary contact. I received a text message from MIL copying DH telling me about a gift she's sent me and when to expect it. I half expect it to be a blanket coughed on by a COVID-19 patient or similar.

Since I want nothing to do with this woman and definitely don't want to be perceived as accepting gifts from her, do I just write "return to sender" and put it back in the mailbox or do I just never acknowledge receiving it?

Have you or your DH directly told her that you want no contact? If you have, no response required. If you have not, why not?

I don't tell DH what to do about his level of contact with her. He cut her off for a few years but has let her back in. I ignore her completely. I actually have her blocked (so I thought) but maybe she got around it by making it a group message?

So your DH has a mental case for a mom and a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't understand why you wouldn't say thanks and accept it. Set it on fire later or whatever, but don't you think it'll cause a bigger problem if you refuse it?

+1 It sounds like OP thrives on the drama and is instigating an argument.

DP no sometimes people are so nasty and hurtful that you just don't want anything to do with them, you don't want to be reminded of them and if you do have to converse with them it just stirs up emotions about what has happened and what hasn't been resolved. Sometimes you just don't want to see them again and want them to completely leave you alone, which can be difficult if it's extended family.

There are plenty of truly wonderful people out there but you surely can't be naive enough to think that everyone on this planet is nice.

PP, have you bothered to read any of OP's responses? OP is a piece of work. Even on this page she posts about how she can say "thank you" in a nasty way. Here is the quote: "Wish I was clever enough to think of a backhanded thank you that really read like more of an F you." Yikes.

[Anonymous]

OP I would do absolutely nothing. No thank you no text nothing.

As someone else said, let your DH deal with it / her if he has to.

Let it go. Its not worth the stress. Just ignore and continue.

I do understand completely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Text her thank you and include dh.

Do whatever you want with the present.

+1. Done and done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm not getting into all of the reasons why I can't stand my MIL and refuse to have more than the most minimal necessary contact. I received a text message from MIL copying DH telling me about a gift she's sent me and when to expect it. I half expect it to be a blanket coughed on by a COVID-19 patient or similar.

Since I want nothing to do with this woman and definitely don't want to be perceived as accepting gifts from her, do I just write "return to sender" and put it back in the mailbox or do I just never acknowledge receiving it?

Have you or your DH directly told her that you want no contact? If you have, no response required. If you have not, why not?

I don't tell DH what to do about his level of contact with her. He cut her off for a few years but has let her back in. I ignore her completely. I actually have her blocked (so I thought) but maybe she got around it by making it a group message?

So your DH has a mental case for a mom and a wife.

+1 His mom is his mom so he lives with that but he needs to ditch OP. She's like an anchor weighing him down. Away she goes!