Men, how would you feel about this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman whom you felt attraction towards. You went on several dates and found her compatible, kind, caring, has a great career, etc. You then get introduced to her family. You see her family home in which she was raised in and left 2 years ago. She sleeps over at her parents from time to time.

It is rundown. Dirty old broken blinds, several broken windows, dusty dirty mouldy ceilings, old broken furniture, etc. Her parents serve you food in mismatched plates and cups. Wine is served in cups rather than glasses, etc. However despite all that, you appreciate the warm welcome from her parents and their generosity.

Would you continue dating this girl despite her poor living conditions? Would the state of her home affect your relationship with her? Would this change the way you would view her?

Man here: it would be a concern but not necessarily a disqualifier (for marriage, not an issue at all for dating). It is sad but true that the apple does not fall far from the tree, and if you are dating someone who is an outlier relative to their family, you can expect quite a lot of regression to the mean in your future children. So some caution would be warranted.

[Anonymous]

That describes my brother's wife's family that he married into. We met them all in their home at their wedding and we were all seriously shocked at the grime. They were nice enough/pretty quiet and not very dynamic but we were shocked that our brother didn't gently dump her after he saw their home. We had standards and it appeared he didn't and we were all marveling at why he didn't fundamentally see that they were not a fit (Filthy, flies buzzing around, landing on food/no one caring. Pet feces not picked up in yard).

Frankly, the elders in our family were offended he was ok marrying into that. My sister and I asked him about it (we are very open) and he acknowledged it but responded 'no problem- I don't need a cleaner- I know how to clean.

Within 4 years they were divorced, in part to her lack of cleaning/vacuuming/food handling hygiene. I don't know if he though he could teach her to 'get it' or clean but she didn't learn and didn't care to help out around the house (both full time grad students, then employeed). This lack of concern/laziness wore on him over time. I think he realized before they had kids that he did NOT want to have kids in this situation/more work for him only.

So fundamentally, if you don't care, it could work. I know that is a big difference in values for me and it wouldn't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is a woman whom you felt attraction towards. You went on several dates and found her compatible, kind, caring, has a great career, etc. You then get introduced to her family. You see her family home in which she was raised in and left 2 years ago. She sleeps over at her parents from time to time.

It is rundown. Dirty old broken blinds, several broken windows, dusty dirty mouldy ceilings, old broken furniture, etc. Her parents serve you food in mismatched plates and cups. Wine is served in cups rather than glasses, etc. However despite all that, you appreciate the warm welcome from her parents and their generosity.

Would you continue dating this girl despite her poor living conditions? Would the state of her home affect your relationship with her? Would this change the way you would view her?

OK, time out. Couple of questions, OP: are you sure these people are really her parents? Is she new to the area and was, perhaps, lost or at least in unfamiliar surroundings, and somehow wandered into the home of an older couple who simply found it in their hearts to help a stranger find her way on love's pathway, and, in an act of kindness, played along that they were "parents"? Something about the story doesn't add up and feel quite confident this was a case of mistaken identity, or no identity at all.

[Anonymous]

Don't marry down. Red flags galore.

[Anonymous]

Is anyone else now thinking over what things in their house people are judging? I have an end table that's been broken for years -- a dog got caught in it and snapped a leg, I fixed it once, a toddler broke it worse....every once in a while I look at it and wonder if it's still fixable, if its worth trying to fix, is it odd that it still stands fine on 3 legs, do I even really need an end table and, if so, what end table would I want...? I've come to the conclusion that I don't really care enough to answer any of those questions and it works fine as a place to put a coffee cup while I'm reading.

I have an Ivy league degree, if that matters to the judgy mcjudgerstons.

Anyway, I hope that my house isn't as bad as the one that OP is describing, but who knows? Maybe someone is posting somewhere about my crazy broken end table and the coffee cups with chips because my kids refuse to learn to load a dishwasher properly.

[Anonymous]

No, she deserves better than you.

[Anonymous]

Can you see yourself living in that house? In time you will be. I would never date the son of a thief or gambler or womanizer -- just, no, no, never -- or someone with a dirty hoard. Hoarding is fine is the horde is a 'collection' that is maintained and kept free of vermin and dust.

[Anonymous]

I’m the woman in the OP. I’m writing it it in 2nd person and through the eyes of the guy I’m dating.

We get along like a house on fire. We are compatible on so many levels, it’s insane. There is a lot of chemistry between us.

He asked to meet my parents because I always spoke highly of them. And I spend a few nights a week with them. He likes my parents and they like him.

But the fact that he has seen my house really makes me feel insecure. Will he want to continue with me? Will he just call it quits further down the line?

I know my parents housing conditions shocked him. My dad refuses to reorganise the house and get new furniture. He doesn’t like anything materialistic. He loves a simple house.

The cobwebs and dirt on ceilings were due to me working full time and not having time to clean it. Also, I’ve been going through a rough patch lately so neglected the state of the house.

If he likes me and feel chemistry with me, would he overlook the flaws of the house?

What would men do if they saw their dream girl with a house like that?

[Anonymous]

clean the house a little bit before he comes over

[Anonymous]

OP, guy here. Many years ago I visited the house, in another city, of my future wife. It was pretty much a dump. Crappy old furniture, mismatched plates and silverware, etc. She also lived in a group house that was none too clean, but that wasn't her fault, mainly her housemates were pigs. None of this bothered me, we got married anyway.

Her parents downsized to a condo when they got older, and when they passed away, it was my job to declutter. They had moved their dreadful crap (old furniture) from their former house to the condo - same beat-up furniture. I called the Junk Army and made a clean sweep. Couldn't believe they hadn't tossed it out when they moved. But at least there was somewhat less of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care about plates or drinking from a cup. I would have a hard time understanding why the place is so dirty.

+1. Being poor is not a character flaw

For men it is...for women it is not

It's not a character flaw for anyone.

However, my husband's rich buddies from his fancy university would have continued to date her, but eliminated her as marriage material. They all married girls they knew at their boarding school, their parents' friends daughters, etc. None of them married outside their family's financial/social class, though they dated all sorts of women in the interim.

I've been trying to explain this to my single friend for the better part of a decade (we're almost 40). She's from a perfectly financially stable but working class family and has been looking for a wealthy guy in NYC for many years. She has lots of relationships but none have progressed, not even to cohabitation. I keep explaining to her these guys rarely marry outside of their circle but she doesn't believe me, even though it's been a good 8 years of her trying and not succeeding. She is very beautiful, has a decent career, and thinks that will be enough.

Very common for men to do this, and feel as if they aren’t placed at a major financial disadvantage, too. It helps their career and social status.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the woman in the OP. I’m writing it it in 2nd person and through the eyes of the guy I’m dating.

We get along like a house on fire. We are compatible on so many levels, it’s insane. There is a lot of chemistry between us.

He asked to meet my parents because I always spoke highly of them. And I spend a few nights a week with them. He likes my parents and they like him.

But the fact that he has seen my house really makes me feel insecure. Will he want to continue with me? Will he just call it quits further down the line?

I know my parents housing conditions shocked him. My dad refuses to reorganise the house and get new furniture. He doesn’t like anything materialistic. He loves a simple house.

The cobwebs and dirt on ceilings were due to me working full time and not having time to clean it. Also, I’ve been going through a rough patch lately so neglected the state of the house.

If he likes me and feel chemistry with me, would he overlook the flaws of the house?

What would men do if they saw their dream girl with a house like that?

If you moved out two years ago, why are you cleaning it? Sounds like you're still living there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the woman in the OP. I’m writing it it in 2nd person and through the eyes of the guy I’m dating.

We get along like a house on fire. We are compatible on so many levels, it’s insane. There is a lot of chemistry between us.

He asked to meet my parents because I always spoke highly of them. And I spend a few nights a week with them. He likes my parents and they like him.

But the fact that he has seen my house really makes me feel insecure. Will he want to continue with me? Will he just call it quits further down the line?

I know my parents housing conditions shocked him. My dad refuses to reorganise the house and get new furniture. He doesn’t like anything materialistic. He loves a simple house.

The cobwebs and dirt on ceilings were due to me working full time and not having time to clean it. Also, I’ve been going through a rough patch lately so neglected the state of the house.

If he likes me and feel chemistry with me, would he overlook the flaws of the house?

What would men do if they saw their dream girl with a house like that?

A man worth anyone’s love and commitment would understand it is part of the package. No one gets to choose their childhood or circumstances.

OP, you need to find out how much value he places on these things. Only so you can know if you’re wasting your time.

Let’s say you are the love of his life, and always will be. What does that mean in terms of his willingness to commit down the road,

Worst case example. You could be the wonderful passionate woman he will love, but not the criteria-established, socially acceptable, rich woman he will marry. You could be the love he will cheat on that wife with, but not enough to leave his marriage and disrupt financial stability for his family legacy. You could be so blinded by this love, that if you hang around long enough, when the kids are older, maybe he will divorce the wife and marry you as the hated AP.
Aren’t you better than that? If that were the extreme?

There are 100 different ways this can go wrong if for any reason, he isn’t 100% on board with who you are, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't care about plates or drinking from a cup. I would have a hard time understanding why the place is so dirty.

+1. Being poor is not a character flaw

For men it is...for women it is not

It's not a character flaw for anyone.

However, my husband's rich buddies from his fancy university would have continued to date her, but eliminated her as marriage material. They all married girls they knew at their boarding school, their parents' friends daughters, etc. None of them married outside their family's financial/social class, though they dated all sorts of women in the interim.

I've been trying to explain this to my single friend for the better part of a decade (we're almost 40). She's from a perfectly financially stable but working class family and has been looking for a wealthy guy in NYC for many years. She has lots of relationships but none have progressed, not even to cohabitation. I keep explaining to her these guys rarely marry outside of their circle but she doesn't believe me, even though it's been a good 8 years of her trying and not succeeding. She is very beautiful, has a decent career, and thinks that will be enough.

Very common for men to do this, and feel as if they aren’t placed at a major financial disadvantage, too. It helps their career and social status.

Fine, then they can enjoy their stiff, uptight plain wives who come from “good families.”

[Anonymous]

I would rather spend time with the GF’s parents eating off of mismatched plates and drinking wine out of plastic cups than with my stiff, cold, stuck up
Teetotaler inlaws.