For those that ignore eye-rolls and sass

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread lightly... I was very bothered by my DD expressing her upset/frustrations and I would respond to let her know that is unacceptable, remind her to be pleasant, or shut that down. DD went through a self-harm (cutting) stage in teen years and after reading up on cutting I really suspect my redirecting all negative emotion expression from her was a root cause.
I like the PP’s outlook that home is a sanctuary for your child too, and a safe space to be with all their messy emotions. I wish I had articulated that outlook for my DD’s youth.

I fear I have entered the same territory with my daughter. What did you do or change that was most helpful? Are things better for her now? I think I’m just looking for some reassurance. Thank you.

DP. We weren’t allowed to express negativity in our house either. Sass, eye rolls, back talk, rude tone of voice, etc weren’t tolerated. Yelling was right out. Young ladies had to be pleasant, smile, respect their elders, yada yada yada. I didn’t cut, but I did other things. It took a lot of years and distance from my parents to feel like my opinion deserved to be heard. I’m very conflict avoidant still, probably to an unhealthy degree, and I’m in my 40s.

I tend to ignore most of the nonsense, because kids need to be able to blow off steam and express themselves too. I’m allowed to tell them when I’m upset with them. I need to be able to hear it when they tell me, even if indirectly. Add in the fact that they’re still learning how to manage relationships, assert themselves, navigate conflict, plus all those damn hormones... I’m not going to get upset over an eye roll or sarcasm. They’re not allowed to call names, say they hate us, or destroy property, and they get warnings when they get close to those boundaries. Slamming doors gets a warning, as does yelling, but usually that’s enough to get them to take a break and come back with a fresh outlook to handle whatever needs to be handled.

[Anonymous]

I'm following this with interest because I have a "sassy" 9 year old. I tend to respond too quickly to the eye-rolling and backtalk because they literally make me crazy, but she's a really good girl otherwise. Absolutely perfect student.

That said, the sass seems to be at its worst when other people are in our home. Really seems to be her way to show off. How do you all respond to that? I find it's best to ignore, but I feel like the other people are judging me.

[Anonymous]

Another NP who found this thread. My 10yo uses a lot of attitude (head tilt, head roll, arms thrown up, eye roll) when talking. She doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s doing it, because I ask her to say things differently or come back without the head bobble, and I get a hysterical “I wasn’t rude!” I ignore what I can, but I feel like it’s becoming constant. A classmate’s parent told me she’s having the same battle so I know it’s the age, but I’d love concrete steps to eliminate or greatly reduce this. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another NP who found this thread. My 10yo uses a lot of attitude (head tilt, head roll, arms thrown up, eye roll) when talking. She doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s doing it, because I ask her to say things differently or come back without the head bobble, and I get a hysterical “I wasn’t rude!” I ignore what I can, but I feel like it’s becoming constant. A classmate’s parent told me she’s having the same battle so I know it’s the age, but I’d love concrete steps to eliminate or greatly reduce this. Thanks.

Talk to her about it when she's not doing it. If you can, record her doing it so she can see what it actually looks like. Tell her you know she's not aware that she's doing it, but she is, and it comes across as very rude, whether it's meant that way or not. Then, when she does it, tell her that she's doing it, and ask her to try again.

[Anonymous]

Is there a way to allow them to express feelings or negative things without being a total assholes though? I am teaching them they shouldn't take rude behavior or put downs or things intended to make them feel bad or small from others, yet I'm showing them it's ok for me to take it from them? I don't know how to strike that balance. Because if someone is speaking disrespectfully to me they don't get to just keeo yapping on, i shut it down. And I want my teens to see and mimick that. But I feel like it's then confusion to let them be rude to my face and me just ignore all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another NP who found this thread. My 10yo uses a lot of attitude (head tilt, head roll, arms thrown up, eye roll) when talking. She doesn’t seem to be aware that she’s doing it, because I ask her to say things differently or come back without the head bobble, and I get a hysterical “I wasn’t rude!” I ignore what I can, but I feel like it’s becoming constant. A classmate’s parent told me she’s having the same battle so I know it’s the age, but I’d love concrete steps to eliminate or greatly reduce this. Thanks.

Talk to her about it when she's not doing it. If you can, record her doing it so she can see what it actually looks like. Tell her you know she's not aware that she's doing it, but she is, and it comes across as very rude, whether it's meant that way or not. Then, when she does it, tell her that she's doing it, and ask her to try again.

Thanks for these suggestions. I do try to talk to her, but she denies doing any of it. And when I show her how she acted, she gets upset saying I’m mimicking her. We’re sort of in the “I can’t win” territory. I’ve explained that she would never speak to her teachers that way, so she knows how to control it. I will certainly try again in a calm moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I often see the advice to ignore teens when they are eye-rolling or talking back because this is just them asserting their independence or practicing breaking away.
Mine are still young and just entering the eye-roll stage. My question is, how do you know when to ignore and when to say it's unacceptable.
I want to be compassionate to what they're going through but don't want to someone who thinks it's ok to be a jerk, or a know-it-all.

You can stop the eye rolling now. “Larlo, I just watched you roll your eyes. That’s disrespectful. You don’t have to like what I’m saying, but you do have to be respectful. You’re welcome to roll your eyes all you want in your room or the bathroom. But in this family, it’s never going to be okay to do it in response to someone in the same space.”

LOL. Most teenagers are going to ignore that kind of lecture. And it's not just me and my experiences with teenagers saying that. It's well documented in many of the books that folks promote on this site, including Untangled. The author there generally counsels against this sort of thing for that reason.

And as a once teenager myself, I would have nodded and agreed and then promptly ignored (and I was a straight-A, joiner type).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a way to allow them to express feelings or negative things without being a total assholes though? I am teaching them they shouldn't take rude behavior or put downs or things intended to make them feel bad or small from others, yet I'm showing them it's ok for me to take it from them? I don't know how to strike that balance. Because if someone is speaking disrespectfully to me they don't get to just keeo yapping on, i shut it down. And I want my teens to see and mimick that. But I feel like it's then confusion to let them be rude to my face and me just ignore all the time.

But are they doing it other people? I find that my teen does it to just me (and Dad to an extent), where with other adults he doesn't. Not to teachers, neighbors, his friends' parents...I often hear what a great kid he is from these people. So I'm operating under the assumption that with my kid, it's typical teen behavior with Mom and Dad, he's trying to separate from us and his brain doesn't know how to do it another way. At least that's what I'm reading in all the books!

[Anonymous]

You can't follow the advice on this board because every kid is different. I clash with DC#1 all the time about lots of things. When she rolls eyes, I tend to ignore just to preserve what we have left of a relationship. DC#2 is just getting into eye roll stage and I respond strongly. Trying to nip it in the bud, and also a stern response from me will have a much more positive effect. In sum, you pick your battles, and they may be different choices for different kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Tread lightly... I was very bothered by my DD expressing her upset/frustrations and I would respond to let her know that is unacceptable, remind her to be pleasant, or shut that down. DD went through a self-harm (cutting) stage in teen years and after reading up on cutting I really suspect my redirecting all negative emotion expression from her was a root cause.
I like the PP’s outlook that home is a sanctuary for your child too, and a safe space to be with all their messy emotions. I wish I had articulated that outlook for my DD’s youth.

I fear I have entered the same territory with my daughter. What did you do or change that was most helpful? Are things better for her now? I think I’m just looking for some reassurance. Thank you.

DP. We weren’t allowed to express negativity in our house either. Sass, eye rolls, back talk, rude tone of voice, etc weren’t tolerated. Yelling was right out. Young ladies had to be pleasant, smile, respect their elders, yada yada yada. I didn’t cut, but I did other things. It took a lot of years and distance from my parents to feel like my opinion deserved to be heard. I’m very conflict avoidant still, probably to an unhealthy degree, and I’m in my 40s.

I tend to ignore most of the nonsense, because kids need to be able to blow off steam and express themselves too. I’m allowed to tell them when I’m upset with them. I need to be able to hear it when they tell me, even if indirectly. Add in the fact that they’re still learning how to manage relationships, assert themselves, navigate conflict, plus all those damn hormones... I’m not going to get upset over an eye roll or sarcasm. They’re not allowed to call names, say they hate us, or destroy property, and they get warnings when they get close to those boundaries. Slamming doors gets a warning, as does yelling, but usually that’s enough to get them to take a break and come back with a fresh outlook to handle whatever needs to be handled.

I love this. This is the approach I'm taking too, and working hard to get my DH to do the same. He tends to overreact to every stupid teen thing, thinking well if we let him get away with this, it'll snowball. Of course in his memory, my DH was a sweet teen who spent his time helping little old ladies cross the street...