Son dating someone of another religion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op this happened in my family. A Christian woman from a devout family fell in love with a Muslim man from a devout family,

Both families struggled greatly with this. Neither wanted the marriage to go ahead. Both felt very strongly that it was essential to marry within your own faith if you were a person of that faith. Neither family really knew many people of the other faith and there was a lot of fear about what these faiths were about. There was also a massive cultural divide. There was a great deal of prayer and tears on both sides as the families tried to convince their son and daughter to end the relationship, live by the tenets of their faith, and find someone in their own faith. Didn't happen.

They have now been married for 15 years with two kids. Both families are completely accepting at this point and the two extended families spend time together. They don't talk religion but they enjoy each other's company. It took getting to know them as people vs as Muslims / Christians to get passed some of their fears. Deep down both families still worry for their child's soul but they love their son and daughter in law.

I remember all the angst 15 years ago. This past summer, they all vacationed together and seeing these two families intertwined having a great laugh over dinner would never have seemed possible. Both had to choose to accept and take small steps to be open to what was happening. The couple stood strong throughout. They were understanding of their families need for time to accept as they understood how deep the foundation was that their families were working from but they never wavered in their commitment to each other.

So, are the kids being raised Christian or Muslim?

This is usually what 99% of the angst is about. One family loses all that tradition that is so important to them. I’ve known many people who have very close friends of different faiths, but the prospect of your child and grandchildren turning their back on your family’s faith would be devastating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Values matter more than religion. By values, I mean is she kind, helpful, selfless, positive / glass half full, and any others that you think important. Those are not qualities of one religion vs. another.

Be 100% supportive or else it will severely impact your relationship with your child and their significant other.

+1

I do see how devastated parents can feel (and I agree it is the grandchild not being raised in the religion that hits them the hardest)- but there is literally nothing you can do. Having “grandchild who are my religion” is not a choice available to you. There are only two choices (1) be outwardly supportive and have a good relationship with son and his kids- who are not being raised in my faith or (2) create lots of drama and strife over it and NOT have a good relationship with your son and grandkids- who are still not being raised in your faith.

He will decide what he wants to do and you just don’t have any influence here other than how you react.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Values matter more than religion. By values, I mean is she kind, helpful, selfless, positive / glass half full, and any others that you think important. Those are not qualities of one religion vs. another.

Be 100% supportive or else it will severely impact your relationship with your child and their significant other.

+1

I do see how devastated parents can feel (and I agree it is the grandchild not being raised in the religion that hits them the hardest)- but there is literally nothing you can do. Having “grandchild who are my religion” is not a choice available to you. There are only two choices (1) be outwardly supportive and have a good relationship with son and his kids- who are not being raised in my faith or (2) create lots of drama and strife over it and NOT have a good relationship with your son and grandkids- who are still not being raised in your faith.

He will decide what he wants to do and you just don’t have any influence here other than how you react.

Are we confusing being born into religion with being raised in religion?
I know one who was born Jewish, orthodox. Very religious family until parents divorced and after that neither parent cared. He married outside the religion, but had already lived most of his life outside the community. Religious people are judgemental

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Values matter more than religion. By values, I mean is she kind, helpful, selfless, positive / glass half full, and any others that you think important. Those are not qualities of one religion vs. another.

Be 100% supportive or else it will severely impact your relationship with your child and their significant other.

+1

I do see how devastated parents can feel (and I agree it is the grandchild not being raised in the religion that hits them the hardest)- but there is literally nothing you can do. Having “grandchild who are my religion” is not a choice available to you. There are only two choices (1) be outwardly supportive and have a good relationship with son and his kids- who are not being raised in my faith or (2) create lots of drama and strife over it and NOT have a good relationship with your son and grandkids- who are still not being raised in your faith.

He will decide what he wants to do and you just don’t have any influence here other than how you react.

Are we confusing being born into religion with being raised in religion?
I know one who was born Jewish, orthodox. Very religious family until parents divorced and after that neither parent cared. He married outside the religion, but had already lived most of his life outside the community. Religious people are judgemental

Atheists like you are judgmental about religious people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:religion - the death of the world
the start of wars

When will we learn?

[Anonymous]

Just as I accept any spiritual / religious choices child makes, I would leave the matter of the religion
of their spouse and their children to them. It is not something grandparents should interfere with
other then support accept children choices because their lives are their to live. You had your
times and you made your choices not to please your parents but to became a person you
are comfortable and happy with. You have only one live just as your child. It is their to live
it the way they want.

Make sure you express early and often that you support their choices and you accept
all their decisions. They need to know to feel loved and will love you back.

[Anonymous]

I agree with OP. It actually really matters what two religions they are, though. Conservative Christians and conservative Muslims will face many more problems in building a family than a practicing Buddhist and an atheist, for example.

[Anonymous]

As long as he knows she's going straight to hell when she dies, I'm fine with it. They won't likely be together than anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op this happened in my family. A Christian woman from a devout family fell in love with a Muslim man from a devout family,

Both families struggled greatly with this. Neither wanted the marriage to go ahead. Both felt very strongly that it was essential to marry within your own faith if you were a person of that faith. Neither family really knew many people of the other faith and there was a lot of fear about what these faiths were about. There was also a massive cultural divide. There was a great deal of prayer and tears on both sides as the families tried to convince their son and daughter to end the relationship, live by the tenets of their faith, and find someone in their own faith. Didn't happen.

They have now been married for 15 years with two kids. Both families are completely accepting at this point and the two extended families spend time together. They don't talk religion but they enjoy each other's company. It took getting to know them as people vs as Muslims / Christians to get passed some of their fears. Deep down both families still worry for their child's soul but they love their son and daughter in law.

I remember all the angst 15 years ago. This past summer, they all vacationed together and seeing these two families intertwined having a great laugh over dinner would never have seemed possible. Both had to choose to accept and take small steps to be open to what was happening. The couple stood strong throughout. They were understanding of their families need for time to accept as they understood how deep the foundation was that their families were working from but they never wavered in their commitment to each other.

So, are the kids being raised Christian or Muslim?

This is usually what 99% of the angst is about. One family loses all that tradition that is so important to them. I’ve known many people who have very close friends of different faiths, but the prospect of your child and grandchildren turning their back on your family’s faith would be devastating.

As a fear about mixed religion relationships, this is absurd. People from same-faith families change religions, traditions, become agnostic, atheist, etc. Nobody should be placing these terrible, selfish expectations on their children.

Expect your children to be kind, charitable, honest, giving, hard working, empathetic? Of course. But these translate different religions (or non religions).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My poor in laws are very atheist. We now attend church weekly as a family. They try to pretend to be cool with it but judgment simmers up from time to time anyway. All you can do is try to be cool about it.

My atheist XDH’s family used to ask, “how can you believe that sh!t?” One year SIL gave us a glow-in-the-dark Madonna as a “joke.” I’m not a huge Mary fangirl, not Catholic, but I put it in my kitchen window anyway. After that they stopped with that kind of joke, at least.

Yikes. You’d think they would notice that they’re being a$$holes but whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. It actually really matters what two religions they are, though. Conservative Christians and conservative Muslims will face many more problems in building a family than a practicing Buddhist and an atheist, for example.

More than likely, a conservative Christian and conservative Muslim will not be getting together. Moderates... yes. Conservative, no. And the moderates won't have a lot of issues building a family.

It's generally the bigoted conservative relatives that make an issue and project it onto the mixed relationship couple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with OP. It actually really matters what two religions they are, though. Conservative Christians and conservative Muslims will face many more problems in building a family than a practicing Buddhist and an atheist, for example.

More than likely, a conservative Christian and conservative Muslim will not be getting together. Moderates... yes. Conservative, no. And the moderates won't have a lot of issues building a family.

It's generally the bigoted conservative relatives that make an issue and project it onto the mixed relationship couple.

This.

I come from a liberal Muslim family and DH is from a liberal Catholic family. We had zero issues with family accepting our relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op this happened in my family. A Christian woman from a devout family fell in love with a Muslim man from a devout family,

Both families struggled greatly with this. Neither wanted the marriage to go ahead. Both felt very strongly that it was essential to marry within your own faith if you were a person of that faith. Neither family really knew many people of the other faith and there was a lot of fear about what these faiths were about. There was also a massive cultural divide. There was a great deal of prayer and tears on both sides as the families tried to convince their son and daughter to end the relationship, live by the tenets of their faith, and find someone in their own faith. Didn't happen.

They have now been married for 15 years with two kids. Both families are completely accepting at this point and the two extended families spend time together. They don't talk religion but they enjoy each other's company. It took getting to know them as people vs as Muslims / Christians to get passed some of their fears. Deep down both families still worry for their child's soul but they love their son and daughter in law.

I remember all the angst 15 years ago. This past summer, they all vacationed together and seeing these two families intertwined having a great laugh over dinner would never have seemed possible. Both had to choose to accept and take small steps to be open to what was happening. The couple stood strong throughout. They were understanding of their families need for time to accept as they understood how deep the foundation was that their families were working from but they never wavered in their commitment to each other.

So, are the kids being raised Christian or Muslim?

This is usually what 99% of the angst is about. One family loses all that tradition that is so important to them. I’ve known many people who have very close friends of different faiths, but the prospect of your child and grandchildren turning their back on your family’s faith would be devastating.

As a fear about mixed religion relationships, this is absurd. People from same-faith families change religions, traditions, become agnostic, atheist, etc. Nobody should be placing these terrible, selfish expectations on their children.

Expect your children to be kind, charitable, honest, giving, hard working, empathetic? Of course. But these translate different religions (or non religions).

+1