Son dating someone of another religion

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Might be the best thing ever. That way you can always have Christmas with your son and his family. My best friend is married to a guy from a Greek Orthodox family. I'm very jealous they always can each have Christmas with their own families and there's no arguing.

We Greek Orthodox celebrate Christmas on December 25. You must be thinking of the Serbs. (Merry Christmas to my Serbian brethren today!)

[Anonymous]

If they can work out their differences then you should be able to also.

[Anonymous]

Instead of focusing on the differences, maybe you should take this opportunity to learn about her religion. And then you sit back and keep your mouth shut about their relationship. This is your son's decision to make. You are free to practice your religion while your son's GF is free to practice hers. And your son is free to make his own choice.

[Anonymous]

Sorry, all, but once you have grown children it is about their lives, not your control over them and their beliefs and actions.

[Anonymous]

Op this happened in my family. A Christian woman from a devout family fell in love with a Muslim man from a devout family,

Both families struggled greatly with this. Neither wanted the marriage to go ahead. Both felt very strongly that it was essential to marry within your own faith if you were a person of that faith. Neither family really knew many people of the other faith and there was a lot of fear about what these faiths were about. There was also a massive cultural divide. There was a great deal of prayer and tears on both sides as the families tried to convince their son and daughter to end the relationship, live by the tenets of their faith, and find someone in their own faith. Didn't happen.

They have now been married for 15 years with two kids. Both families are completely accepting at this point and the two extended families spend time together. They don't talk religion but they enjoy each other's company. It took getting to know them as people vs as Muslims / Christians to get passed some of their fears. Deep down both families still worry for their child's soul but they love their son and daughter in law.

I remember all the angst 15 years ago. This past summer, they all vacationed together and seeing these two families intertwined having a great laugh over dinner would never have seemed possible. Both had to choose to accept and take small steps to be open to what was happening. The couple stood strong throughout. They were understanding of their families need for time to accept as they understood how deep the foundation was that their families were working from but they never wavered in their commitment to each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was your DSs girlfriend. Based on my experience, I can tell you that if you don't want to ruin your relationship with your son, you need to find a way to get over it. And while you're working on that, please try to make sure you don't ever let your son know how you feel. Focus on her as an individual, not as a representative of her religion. Learn about her religion and perhaps offer to teach her about yours if the relationship is serious; you might find something that you enjoy and can bond over (for me, it was food...it went a long way when I asked my MIL to teach me to make some traditional dishes).

My ILs (particularly my FIL) were very open with their disapproval at first. They sent letters calling me names I won't repeat. They demanded that DH end the relationship, both while we were still dating and then again after we got engaged. They ignored us at the first extended family holiday after our engagement which made things awkward not just for us but for the hosts and all of the other guests. They threatened to boycott the wedding. All of that was incredibly hurtful to DH...they were pressuring him to choose and it took a long time for all of us to move past it once they finally accepted the situation. Twenty one years later, I'm still here but I will never forget some of the things they said/did, and it's always in the back of my mind that they might harbor similar feelings about my children given that we're raising them in my religion. I wouldn't wish that on your son or his GF (especially if she someday becomes your DIL).

This happened to a good friend of mine - she is/was Muslim and fell in love with a lapsed Catholic (raised in the religion but became agnostic). Her parents weren't thrilled but accepted him pretty quickly. His parents freaked the eff out and barraged the young couple with yelling phone calls and nasty emails, were mean to her, told him he was ruining his own life and theirs too, threatened to disown him, you name it, they tried it. My friend and her husband got married anyway. It is now 15 years later, they have two children and a pretty happy marriage. My friend is basically an angel and has forgiven and forgotten. But there is still a distance between her husband and his parents that has not faded.

Be careful how you proceed, OP. This could be just a short term thing or it could be the mother of your future grandkids.

My ILs were the same- DH is a lapsed Catholic, I’m Jewish. They were actually very nice when we were dating (hoping I’d convert or we’d raised the kids Catholic? Not sure. But they didn’t protest). Everything when South when we got engaged- they refused to come to our wedding if it wasn’t Catholic and we ended up eloping to avoid the drama. We’ve been married 16 years, raising the kids Jewish, and they still send packets and long letters of disappointment at least twice/ye and get into a screaming and crying fit with DH once a year. It stinks. We moved cross country about 6yrs ago largely to get away from them. DH tried to forgive and so did I but that is impossible to do when they just.dont.stop. The kids barely know them- they see them maybe once every 2 years.

It really isn’t ideal. They basically forced DH to choose between them and me, and he choose his marriage. But they don’t see it that way. It also bleeds over to his sibling relationships who chalk it up to “well, you know how mom and dad are!” and have always advocated we “just pretend to keep the peace” even though the kids are Jewish!!

Your son is only dating her- so they may not marry anyway. In some ways I wish my ILs had thrown their fit when we were dating (and before we were engaged) and been honest about telling DH he was going to have to choose (and also I’d known I’d never be accepted). Don’t get me wrong- we probably would’ve married anyway but at least we’d have been going into it knowing what we were getting into, family wise. It is hard for DH because even though we are happily married he has had to give up a good relationship with pretty much his whole family! And it is hard for me because I feel guilty about that. We are so happy together otherwise, and have 3 awesome kids. Please don’t do the same thing to your son. It is really damaging.

[Anonymous]

As someone else said, focus on the fact that she has a faith and the commonalities. I was raised Catholic, and DH was raised Jewish, and we were able to have a wedding with a priest and a rabbi. Our children are being raised with knowledge of both religions, and we are proud to say that they are the most non-judgmental people we know and so accepting of people, no matter race, religion, gender identity, etc. It is a blessing for me to see that they know about my tradition and DH's, and understands the history behind them. I don't know what they will ultimately choose, but people give up on their faith (at least how they were raised) often enough that I don't feel like we have shortchanged them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op this happened in my family. A Christian woman from a devout family fell in love with a Muslim man from a devout family,

Both families struggled greatly with this. Neither wanted the marriage to go ahead. Both felt very strongly that it was essential to marry within your own faith if you were a person of that faith. Neither family really knew many people of the other faith and there was a lot of fear about what these faiths were about. There was also a massive cultural divide. There was a great deal of prayer and tears on both sides as the families tried to convince their son and daughter to end the relationship, live by the tenets of their faith, and find someone in their own faith. Didn't happen.

They have now been married for 15 years with two kids. Both families are completely accepting at this point and the two extended families spend time together. They don't talk religion but they enjoy each other's company. It took getting to know them as people vs as Muslims / Christians to get passed some of their fears. Deep down both families still worry for their child's soul but they love their son and daughter in law.

I remember all the angst 15 years ago. This past summer, they all vacationed together and seeing these two families intertwined having a great laugh over dinner would never have seemed possible. Both had to choose to accept and take small steps to be open to what was happening. The couple stood strong throughout. They were understanding of their families need for time to accept as they understood how deep the foundation was that their families were working from but they never wavered in their commitment to each other.

Nice story, thanks. How are they raising the kids?

[Anonymous]

My poor in laws are very atheist. We now attend church weekly as a family. They try to pretend to be cool with it but judgment simmers up from time to time anyway. All you can do is try to be cool about it.

[Anonymous]

It's not your call to make OP. Just because you are religious doesn't mean your son is, or that the GFs religion is somehow less relevant than yours.

My MIL (before she was my MIL) told me she was concerned that I didn't go to church because of, you know, morals. It didn't help that I was also a different and mixed religion. 30 years later I am still happily married to her son while both of her other church going kids who married church going spouses of the same religion are divorced because of affairs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My poor in laws are very atheist. We now attend church weekly as a family. They try to pretend to be cool with it but judgment simmers up from time to time anyway. All you can do is try to be cool about it.

My atheist XDH’s family used to ask, “how can you believe that sh!t?” One year SIL gave us a glow-in-the-dark Madonna as a “joke.” I’m not a huge Mary fangirl, not Catholic, but I put it in my kitchen window anyway. After that they stopped with that kind of joke, at least.

[Anonymous]

I married a Mormon guy; I am not Mormon. His family is devastated. He is now a "post-Mormon" -- doesn't go to church, does not have a temple recommend, but does not consider himself an "ex-Mormon." He still loves the culture of community involvement, neighbor-to -neighbor, etc. But he will not be joining the family in the "Celestial Kingdom" -- and they blame me for it.

[Anonymous]

OP, I can see why this makes you sad. That said, step back from the sad and embrace her.

The best and only defense you have for your religion right now is to show her by example how it can help make a person be moral, kind, and inclusive. You do that by being moral, kind, and inclusive. It won’t turn her away from her own faith, but it will help her be more open to elements of yours.

[Anonymous]

Op he is an adult, correct? This isn't your decision to make.

Whether or not you get past it is on you. In the mean time maybe try to accept her as a person, first. Back off on the religious aspect.

[Anonymous]

Values matter more than religion. By values, I mean is she kind, helpful, selfless, positive / glass half full, and any others that you think important. Those are not qualities of one religion vs. another.

Be 100% supportive or else it will severely impact your relationship with your child and their significant other.