What would you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my biracial (black/white) daughter OP. It started at the same age. She started saying she hated being brown and having curly hair. Transpired Her classmates were telling her she was covered in mud and looked like a warthog (they were studying them at school) because of her curry hair and brown skin. During black history month someone asked her if her grandparents had chains around their necks. She became so despondent that, in her own 5 year old way , she said “I don’t want to be alive because I don’t know how to be happy being brown”. She called all black people ugly.
It’s a very long and extremely painful story but we eventually, after a year of talking to the school, decided to move her to a private school where she was not the only brown person and it’s made the world or difference.
In these situations it’s very hard to bring about change because most of the comments made are by children who are just not used to people different from them and are curious. No one has explained these differences. If there is no one else like them they bear the brunt of these comments and it can be very damaging. I was advised by the school social worker, off the record, to remove her from the school because where these situations had arisen before they often got worse not better.
I hope you have a better experience than we did and are able to resolve the situation within the current school.

No one has explained the differences because if we try to talk to our white kids about black kids then we're racist. But of course they aren't blind so they see the differences and they aren't deaf so they hear the differences too. And I just hope like heck that they aren't in a room one day and blurt out something that goes through their head while they try to figure things out for themselves.

While the differences can't be discussed, the similarities can't be discussed either, and it stays some sort of Big-Thing-That-Can't-Be-Talked-About. And there will never be unity in this country with that.

You don’t talk to your white kids about black kids. You work- hard- to educate yourself that we live in a diverse country. Skin color, race, religion, national origin, language, etc. That way, when your kid encounters someone who looks different, your kid will not be ignorant and will not say ignorant things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my biracial (black/white) daughter OP. It started at the same age. She started saying she hated being brown and having curly hair. Transpired Her classmates were telling her she was covered in mud and looked like a warthog (they were studying them at school) because of her curry hair and brown skin. During black history month someone asked her if her grandparents had chains around their necks. She became so despondent that, in her own 5 year old way , she said “I don’t want to be alive because I don’t know how to be happy being brown”. She called all black people ugly.
It’s a very long and extremely painful story but we eventually, after a year of talking to the school, decided to move her to a private school where she was not the only brown person and it’s made the world or difference.
In these situations it’s very hard to bring about change because most of the comments made are by children who are just not used to people different from them and are curious. No one has explained these differences. If there is no one else like them they bear the brunt of these comments and it can be very damaging. I was advised by the school social worker, off the record, to remove her from the school because where these situations had arisen before they often got worse not better.
I hope you have a better experience than we did and are able to resolve the situation within the current school.

No one has explained the differences because if we try to talk to our white kids about black kids then we're racist. But of course they aren't blind so they see the differences and they aren't deaf so they hear the differences too. And I just hope like heck that they aren't in a room one day and blurt out something that goes through their head while they try to figure things out for themselves.

While the differences can't be discussed, the similarities can't be discussed either, and it stays some sort of Big-Thing-That-Can't-Be-Talked-About. And there will never be unity in this country with that.

You don’t talk to your white kids about black kids. You work- hard- to educate yourself that we live in a diverse country. Skin color, race, religion, national origin, language, etc. That way, when your kid encounters someone who looks different, your kid will not be ignorant and will not say ignorant things.

Are you being purposely difficult? The PP you are responding to is clearly trying to figure out how to deal with this issue. Why shoot her down? Why? It doesn't help anything.

I think if people live, work and go to school in mixed areas there's no need for any of that, either, because it's no big deal for a kid to be around another kid of a different race. It's normal. I was shocked when I lived (briefly) in an exclusively white area in another state. I mean, white as far as you could drive in any direction. It made me realize why some people have racist attitudes -- they have no experience other than what they see on TV shows and the news.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would send one email to the teacher with a CC to the counselor. I would explain what happened in a polite but matter of fact way; I would conclude the message with a request to speak with the appropriate person at school to hear how they planned to address the issue.

I would also equip my kid to handle future situations. I have a handful of kids who have dealt with asshat bullies. I talked it through with them and armed them with appropriate comebacks. Feeling prepared boosts confidence.

+1 (as I've already said)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would totally talk to the teacher and possibly the Mom depending on how well I knew her.

I am so thankful my brown kid goes to a school with a lot of other brown kids, because stuff like this hasnt come up.

YES!! I'm always so amazed because in her mostly white preschool, my DD would pick the peach crayon when she was coloring, and now that she's in a diverse elementary school, she picks the light brown crayon. And when she has an app where she's supposed to make a depiction of herself, she never chooses the light skin tone. I'm so proud. I *never* would have done this growing up, I always wanted to be white, drew myself as white, etc...

[Anonymous]

OP, Im.sorry this has been happening.
It may or may not be helpful to talk to the parent on your own behalf. I have seen parents react in a helpful manner but have seen others react with denial.
The best advice is talk to the teacher with a cc to the school counselor.
If it continues, the school may have a bullying report that you should fill out.
Many will say that's very extreme at this young age but you must help shut this down immediately.
Racism is not something a kindergartner should have to deal with.

[Anonymous]

I think if you are friendly with the parents it would be appropriate to have a conversation with them. They may be unaware that their child makes comments like this and could potentially want to make it a learning opportunity. If my children spoke like this I would absolutely want to know so I could teach them that it was not ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my biracial (black/white) daughter OP. It started at the same age. She started saying she hated being brown and having curly hair. Transpired Her classmates were telling her she was covered in mud and looked like a warthog (they were studying them at school) because of her curry hair and brown skin. During black history month someone asked her if her grandparents had chains around their necks. She became so despondent that, in her own 5 year old way , she said “I don’t want to be alive because I don’t know how to be happy being brown”. She called all black people ugly.
It’s a very long and extremely painful story but we eventually, after a year of talking to the school, decided to move her to a private school where she was not the only brown person and it’s made the world or difference.
In these situations it’s very hard to bring about change because most of the comments made are by children who are just not used to people different from them and are curious. No one has explained these differences. If there is no one else like them they bear the brunt of these comments and it can be very damaging. I was advised by the school social worker, off the record, to remove her from the school because where these situations had arisen before they often got worse not better.
I hope you have a better experience than we did and are able to resolve the situation within the current school.

No one has explained the differences because if we try to talk to our white kids about black kids then we're racist. But of course they aren't blind so they see the differences and they aren't deaf so they hear the differences too. And I just hope like heck that they aren't in a room one day and blurt out something that goes through their head while they try to figure things out for themselves.

While the differences can't be discussed, the similarities can't be discussed either, and it stays some sort of Big-Thing-That-Can't-Be-Talked-About. And there will never be unity in this country with that.

Wow! If anything, your attitude just lends me more justification for why we need to keep talking about racism, homophobia, ableism and all the other prejudices that pervade our society.

I’m very, very, very pale complected. Don’t make one whit of difference to me in terms of how I talk to children (or adults) about diversity. Age, gender, race, language, religion, age, visible or invisible disability... We are all human, and we all deserve to be treated as such. It always comes back to the Golden Rule for me, but saying the words is only a fraction, a start.

Children learn by modeling what we do. I’d bet anything that their parents’ social circle is homogeneous, same race, same language, same religion or no overt differences, no visible disabilities, etc. When that is the model they learn, it takes a gargantuan effort to overcome it. There’s a reason I don’t stay within one neighborhood for parks and activities. I want children to experience, explore and embrace the differences while finding common ground with our similarities. Yes, children are curious about differences, but they can be taught tact and allowed to find answers away from others or taught to ask tactful questions in ways that show they want to learn rather than offend.

OP, I’m sorry that this happened. I know if I ever heard words out of my child’s mouth like you heard, my heart would break. And if I ever heard those words aimed at someone else... I can only guess I’d feel a combination of fury, heartbreak and failure. In your situation, I would definitely contact the teacher, but I’d also loop in the counselor and principal. I can’t imagine how it could be said in class without the teacher hearing and contacting you, so that leads me to believe it happened at lunch or recess, both of which take it from a classroom level problem to either grade level or schoolwide. I’d want to know what resources they were planning on using to promote diversity in general (not only to address at school, but also to reinforce at home). Since it sounds like the school is predominantly white, having staff talk solely about race would focus more attention on your child, which is likely to make your child even more uncomfortable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would totally talk to the teacher and possibly the Mom depending on how well I knew her.

I am so thankful my brown kid goes to a school with a lot of other brown kids, because stuff like this hasnt come up.

YES!! I'm always so amazed because in her mostly white preschool, my DD would pick the peach crayon when she was coloring, and now that she's in a diverse elementary school, she picks the light brown crayon. And when she has an app where she's supposed to make a depiction of herself, she never chooses the light skin tone. I'm so proud. I *never* would have done this growing up, I always wanted to be white, drew myself as white, etc...

Same. My white 4 year old draws herself with darker skin and goes more frequently for the darker skinned dolls/pictures/etc. It's amazing what basic exposure to a diverse group of peers and teachers can do. I wish all kids had the chance to grow up with diversity, but unfortunately a lot of kids don't.

OP, if I was that kid's mother, I would absolutely want to know what my child said so I could address it at home. It's not (just) the school's responsibility to teach these things. If you don't feel comfortable talking to the parents directly, please let the teacher know. I am very skeptical that this is the first time that kid made a comment like that, or made the connection about using skin color as a way to insult.

[Anonymous]

We are Asian American. DH moved to America when he was 5. He couldn’t speak English. Not only was he made fun of, he used to beat up because he was Chinese.

Your son will be able to get past this.

I thought you would say your son didn’t want to eat Indian food because someone at school told him he smelled like curry. I’m Korean American. I learned early not to eat kimchi or other smelly foods before meeting non Koreans.

I do not want my house to smell like garlic or anchovies. I don’t want Americans to come to my house and cringe. This is just part of American assimilation.

We do eat Asian food often but leave the stinky food out of our house.

Your son one day will experience some negative comments about curry smell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This happened to my biracial (black/white) daughter OP. It started at the same age. She started saying she hated being brown and having curly hair. Transpired Her classmates were telling her she was covered in mud and looked like a warthog (they were studying them at school) because of her curry hair and brown skin. During black history month someone asked her if her grandparents had chains around their necks. She became so despondent that, in her own 5 year old way , she said “I don’t want to be alive because I don’t know how to be happy being brown”. She called all black people ugly.
It’s a very long and extremely painful story but we eventually, after a year of talking to the school, decided to move her to a private school where she was not the only brown person and it’s made the world or difference.
In these situations it’s very hard to bring about change because most of the comments made are by children who are just not used to people different from them and are curious. No one has explained these differences. If there is no one else like them they bear the brunt of these comments and it can be very damaging. I was advised by the school social worker, off the record, to remove her from the school because where these situations had arisen before they often got worse not better.
I hope you have a better experience than we did and are able to resolve the situation within the current school.

No one has explained the differences because if we try to talk to our white kids about black kids then we're racist. But of course they aren't blind so they see the differences and they aren't deaf so they hear the differences too. And I just hope like heck that they aren't in a room one day and blurt out something that goes through their head while they try to figure things out for themselves.

While the differences can't be discussed, the similarities can't be discussed either, and it stays some sort of Big-Thing-That-Can't-Be-Talked-About. And there will never be unity in this country with that.

You don’t talk to your white kids about black kids. You work- hard- to educate yourself that we live in a diverse country. Skin color, race, religion, national origin, language, etc. That way, when your kid encounters someone who looks different, your kid will not be ignorant and will not say ignorant things.

I don’t talk to my kids about race either. We are Asian.

We recently were doing a puzzle where there was an African American skater. We were trying to match puzzle pieces and call people the jeans family, brown jacket guy, green hat girl and I described one girl as the black skater. 8yo DS told me I shouldn’t say that because it is racist. I told him that I wasn’t saying anything negative and that the skater was black. It isn’t negative to be black. We also called one girl the Asian girl in the puzzle and DS didn’t have a problem calling the Asian girl Asian.

DS goes to a predominantly white school. He must have learned at school that talking about race is taboo.

[Anonymous]

I hope some black ppl realize that Indians are also of color. It drives me nuts when people say that Asians don’t face racism and that they are white.

[Anonymous]

I personally would not mention to the mom or school. It will become awkward.

My kids have had their feelings hurt over the years. I never confront parents even when their kids are little shits.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is it relevant to not wanting to eat dinner???

It's relevant because he was so so upset he could not eat.

Or that he's upset he's Indian and he doesn't want to eat Indian food because his white friends don't eat the same food as him. As the child of Indian parents, I get that. Sidebar, OP, please don't send Indian food in his lunch. I hate to say it (and I fully embrace my culture), but it's embarrassing to be different.

My DD is not Indian (half-Taiwanese, half-white), and she brings Indian food for lunch to school sometimes. It depends on the school environment. We are at a DCPS.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to both the child’s parents as well as the school. This is not to be tolerated.

My children are half Indian and half white and this is not something I would (or will) take lightly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I personally would not mention to the mom or school. It will become awkward.

My kids have had their feelings hurt over the years. I never confront parents even when their kids are little shits.

You are wrong in cases like this if budding racism. Racism, making fun of someone’s religion or appearance, calling anyone “retard” are the things I will never tolerate from my kids or ever accept in other kids. Anything else I let go and teach my kids to let go.