Why is my evil lying/cheating ex-husband trying to be friendly now just months after divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Continue to detach - gray rock his ass. He's trying to keep you engaged because he needs to be the center of attention.

This.

He's clearly a narcissist and so needs to be the center of attention. Just grey rock. Don't even let him take up any more of your mental space.

I absolutely believe that he is a narcissist. His behavior checks all the boxes. I’m just so mad at myself for realizing just now after all this time. I’ve wasted so many years on him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.

This sounds about right to me, he got what for him an outcome that he believes is the best possible outcome given the circumstances. He probably feels there is more to gain from being nice to you (perhaps flexibility with the visitation schedule) than not.

OP here - I have always been flexible with visitation so that can’t be it. He, for some dumbass reason, took me to court for visitation/custody. He first told the mediator he wanted sole custody. The mediator almost fell out in laughter. So now our child lives with me and he has standard visitation. It only needs to be flexible for him when he decides he wants to skip a weekend because of other plans. And that’s fine too. Our child would rather not visit him for weekends at all.

He wasn't fighting for his child, he was fighting not to have to pay you any child support. This is about him and what he wants for himself. Glad your teen is seeing through his BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.

This sounds about right to me, he got what for him an outcome that he believes is the best possible outcome given the circumstances. He probably feels there is more to gain from being nice to you (perhaps flexibility with the visitation schedule) than not.

OP here - I have always been flexible with visitation so that can’t be it. He, for some dumbass reason, took me to court for visitation/custody. He first told the mediator he wanted sole custody. The mediator almost fell out in laughter. So now our child lives with me and he has standard visitation. It only needs to be flexible for him when he decides he wants to skip a weekend because of other plans. And that’s fine too. Our child would rather not visit him for weekends at all.

Right, but that's a benefit to him esp. if you let him shift the visitation around on a weekend when he has something else he would rather do.

[Anonymous]

Read chumplady.com. There are loads of stories and advice from people who’ve dealt with narcissistic exes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if you can all be friends now, it means he wasnt so bad after all.

This was my immediate thought.

+2. XDH tried to be chatty and friendly while refusing to pay me child support until I filed (teen DS chose to live with me), going after my inheritance (unsuccessfully), refusing to help with older DD’s tuition (she still resents him) and more.

Finally I *calmly* told him I wasn’t going to be bffs with someone who did these things to me and my kids. XDH didn’t say anything but looked angry/chagrined/something.

I think two things were going on.
1. He was in denial about what a jerk he was being. He couldn’t admit it to himself.
2. Like pp said, he wants your acceptance to validate his behavior to himself and others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if you can all be friends now, it means he wasnt so bad after all.

This was my immediate thought.

+2. XDH tried to be chatty and friendly while refusing to pay me child support until I filed (teen DS chose to live with me), going after my inheritance (unsuccessfully), refusing to help with older DD’s tuition (she still resents him) and more.

Finally I *calmly* told him I wasn’t going to be bffs with someone who did these things to me and my kids. XDH didn’t say anything but looked angry/chagrined/something.

I think two things were going on.
1. He was in denial about what a jerk he was being. He couldn’t admit it to himself.
2. Like pp said, he wants your acceptance to validate his behavior to himself and others.

Not Op but that is a good point about him wanting your acceptance to validate his behavior/make him seem like less of a jerk. Makes total sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Read chumplady.com. There are loads of stories and advice from people who’ve dealt with narcissistic exes.

+1. These stories aren’t unusual and you’ll find other similar stories to yours .

It’s most likely that he wants something or that he wants his image to be maintained ( my ex wife is still my friend which means I didn’t do anything really wrong).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if you can all be friends now, it means he wasnt so bad after all.

This was my immediate thought.

+2. XDH tried to be chatty and friendly while refusing to pay me child support until I filed (teen DS chose to live with me), going after my inheritance (unsuccessfully), refusing to help with older DD’s tuition (she still resents him) and more.

Finally I *calmly* told him I wasn’t going to be bffs with someone who did these things to me and my kids. XDH didn’t say anything but looked angry/chagrined/something.

I think two things were going on.
1. He was in denial about what a jerk he was being. He couldn’t admit it to himself.
2. Like pp said, he wants your acceptance to validate his behavior to himself and others.

Not Op but that is a good point about him wanting your acceptance to validate his behavior/make him seem like less of a jerk. Makes total sense.

OP - If that’s what he’s seeking he surely will not get it from me. My days of validating him are long over. These people are sick! You don’t treat someone like trash and expect to still be friends. This is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The constant mind games are exhausting. Once my child turns 18 he will never hear from me again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Read chumplady.com. There are loads of stories and advice from people who’ve dealt with narcissistic exes.

+1. These stories aren’t unusual and you’ll find other similar stories to yours .

It’s most likely that he wants something or that he wants his image to be maintained ( my ex wife is still my friend which means I didn’t do anything really wrong).

I first found ChumpLady during our first separation. I was still a little in denial and would get upset reading the posts. (I was the hit dog who hollered.) But I get it now and I’m so glad that I do. I’ve handled this separation and ultimate divorce totally different. The first time I was knee deep in the pick me dance. Never again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Because if you can all be friends now, it means he wasnt so bad after all.

This was my immediate thought.

+2. XDH tried to be chatty and friendly while refusing to pay me child support until I filed (teen DS chose to live with me), going after my inheritance (unsuccessfully), refusing to help with older DD’s tuition (she still resents him) and more.

Finally I *calmly* told him I wasn’t going to be bffs with someone who did these things to me and my kids. XDH didn’t say anything but looked angry/chagrined/something.

I think two things were going on.
1. He was in denial about what a jerk he was being. He couldn’t admit it to himself.
2. Like pp said, he wants your acceptance to validate his behavior to himself and others.

Not Op but that is a good point about him wanting your acceptance to validate his behavior/make him seem like less of a jerk. Makes total sense.

OP - If that’s what he’s seeking he surely will not get it from me. My days of validating him are long over. These people are sick! You don’t treat someone like trash and expect to still be friends. This is the worst thing I’ve ever experienced. The constant mind games are exhausting. Once my child turns 18 he will never hear from me again.

I know how hard it is to break the cycle of validation, but it feels so good once you do it. My ex loves to pretend to be clueless regarding basic childcare stuff (really basic, like installing a carseat), and I think he genuinely finds it baffling that he can no longer just "be charming" and have me do all of the work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op - you have to let go and stop caring for him. You are right, he doesn't give a sh*t about you. The truth is, he probably doesn't really give a sh*t about her, either. The person he is looking out for is himself. He asked your son to live with him because the ex thought that would be the most beneficial arrangement for himself. He got shared custody, instead.

He's an ahole. As soon as his new squeeze becomes the least inconvenient for him he'll be off looking for someone else.

Your son is a teen and he'll see it with his own eyes. Do your best to be polite/professional with the ex. Consider him to be a rude client or colleague that you have no choice but to work with for the next few years or so. Your son will be a young adult before you know it.

I let go the day that he left and I wish he would now do the same. I believe that’s his problem. He can’t believe that I did not chase him or ask him to come back. He has done many, many things to try to draw a reaction/response from me since he left. I ignored most and let my attorney handle the rest. I feel as though now he’s trying a different approach by being friendly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.

OP here - I had to come back to this response because I found it so interesting that in my initial post I never mentioned that I had a son. I guess the words “evil” “cheating” “lying” all caught your attention.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.

OP here - I had to come back to this response because I found it so interesting that in my initial post I never mentioned that I had a son. I guess the words “evil” “cheating” “lying” all caught your attention.

OP are you schizophrenic? You are suggesting that because somebody said you had a son (50/50 chance of being correct) that they are you ex husband? you’re paranoid

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He fought dirty during the separation/divorce in order to win the best possible settlement/position for himself possible.

Now that everything has been settled during the divorce and he is no longer fighting to protect his own self interests, he feels no need to be contentious with you. And he is not going to put his energy into fighting you. The divorce terms are laid out, child custody has been determined and that's good enough.

He's being "friendly" because you share a child together. If it wasn't for your son, he probably would just go his separate way and be done with you and that phase of his life. And that's pretty much it in a nutshell. He basically DGAF, which you already knew.

OP here - I had to come back to this response because I found it so interesting that in my initial post I never mentioned that I had a son. I guess the words “evil” “cheating” “lying” all caught your attention.

OP are you schizophrenic? You are suggesting that because somebody said you had a son (50/50 chance of being correct) that they are you ex husband? you’re paranoid

Never said it was my ex-husband. There are many people who are familiar with our situation. You seem mighty tight that I found it odd. Why the name calling? Totally unnecessary.

[Anonymous]

He misses the dirty sex acts you did, that the new woman doesn't do.