No Man's Land Between Dating and a Booty Call

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks for giving me hope for my 50's! Dating is already so weird in my 40's. Isn't it nice to know there is still great passion ahead of you?

Enjoy!! Sounds like early stage dating to me, with a huge bonus of great sex.

I’m 56 and overweight and I’ve got multiple partners and the sex is great. Fear not!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a somewhat similar boat - 53 and very surprised to be in a new relationship with sex that is off the charts wonderful. But I'm financially independent and enjoy my single life and taking it to the next level is not something I'm thinking about other than being exclusive. If we see each other a couple of times a week and we are exclusive I don't care if it's dating or a booty call.

You're NOT the OP, correct?

OP, read the post above. Tell your FWB what the PP above says, if it's true for you too. Tell him that you're having a great time and wherever this is or isn't heading, you want it to continue, but want to discuss making the sex exclusive. I'd tell him bluntly that he doesn't need to fear that you're backing him into a corner seeking marriage; you are independent and enjoy being independent and living on your own, but you do want sex to be exclusive. See what he says and does. If he cools off and backs away, you know he's not interested in keeping the sexual relationship exclusive OR he does not believe you when you say you're not trying to back him into marriage/partnership/whatever else.

If he doesn't believe you when you're being frank and adult about your standards for having sex exclusively with each other -- he is "keeping his options open" and thinks he wants to pursue, or is already pursuing, sex with other partners. If he hems and haws and is evasive, he is in the "options open" status. Up to you if you are going to be OK with that. If you are, tell him so. You are both too old (and I'm older than you, OP, so I feel free to say this) to mess around with vague butterflies. Enjoy whatever it is. But if he won't be exclusive on your generous, no-strings terms, that would be a red flag that he's after just the sex, and that will cool eventually. That's fine, if you're fine with it, truly.

Well, he did tell me I am the only one. But, I would never trust that at this point. I am not used to having a relationship needing to be defined. It has always been understood between me and the guy that we are in an actual relationship. Not booty call or FWB. I feel like I have been compartmentalized in his mind. Like I am Ms. Right Now. He's flaked on me a couple times with plans. He's very active socially and I've not been included with that. There is lack of daily phone calls. Never experienced that before. He doesn't seem to be all in like I am. He called me "mysterious" the other day. IDK. Weird.

His brother died a few months ago and he says he's having a hard time with that and sometimes cries about it so is not in the best place right now. Might be excuses. I really don't believe anything people tell me anymore. I did basically end it the other night via text. Told him sex is great but not enough. Wished him the best. We've been through this before. I really am okay with walking away this time for good. The attachment on my part continued to grow and I always felt like every time I see him could be the last. Not good. I used to be a person who was very brave with my feelings because I believe that is really the only way to be. But it's not me anymore. Finding out my marriage was a scam has scarred me probably forever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s a booty call, which is just meeting up for sex. The next level up is friends with benefits, where you actually talk about stuff going on in your lives, and may/may not involve affection outside of sex. Then there’s dating, which is casual or exclusive. You are dating. Stop overthinking and enjoy it! Maybe see a therapist to find out why love=Bad sex.

Wasn't bad. Was "good enough" because I know how to get mine. You don't know what you don't know. I never knew a man could be so into pleasing me. Others have done their duty. Then again, I know without a doubt, I have never been loved. It's very confusing that two men who took marriage vows with me never had passion for me. I was just a means to an end.

[Anonymous]

Why would you take vows when you never felt passion? Ever? I had a spark, albeit briefly. It never came back or caught fire. - divorcee

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would you take vows when you never felt passion? Ever? I had a spark, albeit briefly. It never came back or caught fire. - divorcee

Again, I just didn't know what was possible. I didn't say that I never felt passion but it is now obvious to me that they never did. Sad.

[Anonymous]

OP, it seems like you know yourself and so keeping emotions at bay for a while. It’s a good mindset to have given that his actions keep you at a bit of a distance.

Can you just enjoy without expectations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a somewhat similar boat - 53 and very surprised to be in a new relationship with sex that is off the charts wonderful. But I'm financially independent and enjoy my single life and taking it to the next level is not something I'm thinking about other than being exclusive. If we see each other a couple of times a week and we are exclusive I don't care if it's dating or a booty call.

You're NOT the OP, correct?

OP, read the post above. Tell your FWB what the PP above says, if it's true for you too. Tell him that you're having a great time and wherever this is or isn't heading, you want it to continue, but want to discuss making the sex exclusive. I'd tell him bluntly that he doesn't need to fear that you're backing him into a corner seeking marriage; you are independent and enjoy being independent and living on your own, but you do want sex to be exclusive. See what he says and does. If he cools off and backs away, you know he's not interested in keeping the sexual relationship exclusive OR he does not believe you when you say you're not trying to back him into marriage/partnership/whatever else.

If he doesn't believe you when you're being frank and adult about your standards for having sex exclusively with each other -- he is "keeping his options open" and thinks he wants to pursue, or is already pursuing, sex with other partners. If he hems and haws and is evasive, he is in the "options open" status. Up to you if you are going to be OK with that. If you are, tell him so. You are both too old (and I'm older than you, OP, so I feel free to say this) to mess around with vague butterflies. Enjoy whatever it is. But if he won't be exclusive on your generous, no-strings terms, that would be a red flag that he's after just the sex, and that will cool eventually. That's fine, if you're fine with it, truly.

Well, he did tell me I am the only one. But, I would never trust that at this point. I am not used to having a relationship needing to be defined. It has always been understood between me and the guy that we are in an actual relationship. Not booty call or FWB. I feel like I have been compartmentalized in his mind. Like I am Ms. Right Now. He's flaked on me a couple times with plans. He's very active socially and I've not been included with that. There is lack of daily phone calls. Never experienced that before. He doesn't seem to be all in like I am. He called me "mysterious" the other day. IDK. Weird.

His brother died a few months ago and he says he's having a hard time with that and sometimes cries about it so is not in the best place right now. Might be excuses. I really don't believe anything people tell me anymore. I did basically end it the other night via text. Told him sex is great but not enough. Wished him the best. We've been through this before. I really am okay with walking away this time for good. The attachment on my part continued to grow and I always felt like every time I see him could be the last. Not good. I used to be a person who was very brave with my feelings because I believe that is really the only way to be. But it's not me anymore. Finding out my marriage was a scam has scarred me probably forever.

You sound high-maintenance and needy, so he wasn't the man for you. Glad you broke it off. You should consider therapy also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in a somewhat similar boat - 53 and very surprised to be in a new relationship with sex that is off the charts wonderful. But I'm financially independent and enjoy my single life and taking it to the next level is not something I'm thinking about other than being exclusive. If we see each other a couple of times a week and we are exclusive I don't care if it's dating or a booty call.

You're NOT the OP, correct?

OP, read the post above. Tell your FWB what the PP above says, if it's true for you too. Tell him that you're having a great time and wherever this is or isn't heading, you want it to continue, but want to discuss making the sex exclusive. I'd tell him bluntly that he doesn't need to fear that you're backing him into a corner seeking marriage; you are independent and enjoy being independent and living on your own, but you do want sex to be exclusive. See what he says and does. If he cools off and backs away, you know he's not interested in keeping the sexual relationship exclusive OR he does not believe you when you say you're not trying to back him into marriage/partnership/whatever else.

If he doesn't believe you when you're being frank and adult about your standards for having sex exclusively with each other -- he is "keeping his options open" and thinks he wants to pursue, or is already pursuing, sex with other partners. If he hems and haws and is evasive, he is in the "options open" status. Up to you if you are going to be OK with that. If you are, tell him so. You are both too old (and I'm older than you, OP, so I feel free to say this) to mess around with vague butterflies. Enjoy whatever it is. But if he won't be exclusive on your generous, no-strings terms, that would be a red flag that he's after just the sex, and that will cool eventually. That's fine, if you're fine with it, truly.

Well, he did tell me I am the only one. But, I would never trust that at this point. I am not used to having a relationship needing to be defined. It has always been understood between me and the guy that we are in an actual relationship. Not booty call or FWB. I feel like I have been compartmentalized in his mind. Like I am Ms. Right Now. He's flaked on me a couple times with plans. He's very active socially and I've not been included with that. There is lack of daily phone calls. Never experienced that before. He doesn't seem to be all in like I am. He called me "mysterious" the other day. IDK. Weird.

His brother died a few months ago and he says he's having a hard time with that and sometimes cries about it so is not in the best place right now. Might be excuses. I really don't believe anything people tell me anymore. I did basically end it the other night via text. Told him sex is great but not enough. Wished him the best. We've been through this before. I really am okay with walking away this time for good. The attachment on my part continued to grow and I always felt like every time I see him could be the last. Not good. I used to be a person who was very brave with my feelings because I believe that is really the only way to be. But it's not me anymore. Finding out my marriage was a scam has scarred me probably forever.

You sound high-maintenance and needy, so he wasn't the man for you. Glad you broke it off. You should consider therapy also.

We all have our faults. I don't think I have to accept flaking on plans without a phone call to tell me plans have changed. Yes, I have needs to feel safe and secure. I am not SO needy that I am willing to accept bad behavior indefinitely. If I was SO needy, I would never speak up and I would accept bread crumbs. I've been to therapy. Not very helpful. I somehow found this board after my ex left. It's been more helpful than therapy. I have learned to see things as they are rather than how I wish things to be. Breaking things off with this guy is nothing to be glad about or celebrated by me or anybody else. It's sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it seems like you know yourself and so keeping emotions at bay for a while. It’s a good mindset to have given that his actions keep you at a bit of a distance.

Can you just enjoy without expectations?

I see so many women are able to do that. I found out I am not one of them. Kudos to the ones who can do that.