Heartbreaking end of "starter marriage"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you think in terms of "starter" marriage, then I wonder why you're surprised that it's ending.

+1

"Starter marriage" is MAYBE two months when you were eighteen, not 31 - and in 1946.

[Anonymous]

Close friends of mine married at 22, right after they graduated from college. They were friends before dating and had dated for 2 years so it wasn't an impulsive decision. They both loved each other and genuinely believed that it was going to be a forever situation.

First, they realized fairly quickly that dating in college when you're living on campus in the dorms is different than dating in the real world. Once they started really living together after marriage, they discovered many incompatibilities that never came up during their dating phase. Both were responsible people who had all the important talks but realistically, they didn't know what living together was like until they actually did it. Second, if they had not been married, they would have absolutely broken up by 24/25 (within 2-3 years of living together). However, because they were married, they felt that they had to make it work. The marriage dragged on until they were 30. The extra years in a dysfunctional incompatible relationship was emotionally harmful to the both of them. Third, they both changed a lot between their early 20s and late 20s. What they wanted out of life and their partner also changed. If they met at 30, they would have never dated or the relationship would have ended quickly after a couple months when they realized their incompatibilities.

Everything in life has some degree of risk. This is the risk that you take when you marry young and you may not have sufficient self-knowledge. This is especially true if you marry straight out of college and your relationship hasn't been tested in real world conditions.

We're all in our late 40s now. Both happily remarried in their mid-30s to people who are much better suited to them by a thousandfold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was also in a "starter" marriage that I basically knew from day 1 would not last but stuck it out for 7 years -- no kids. I was 30 when we finally divorced (he was 37). It took me 5 years before I remarried and I am now heading towards year 15 with a lovely spouse and two awesome kids. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and I hope for good things in your future.

PP, why did you marry if you knew it wouldn't work? Did you feel pressure from your family? Not snark, genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I was also in a "starter" marriage that I basically knew from day 1 would not last but stuck it out for 7 years -- no kids. I was 30 when we finally divorced (he was 37). It took me 5 years before I remarried and I am now heading towards year 15 with a lovely spouse and two awesome kids. Hang in there. Take care of yourself and I hope for good things in your future.

PP, why did you marry if you knew it wouldn't work? Did you feel pressure from your family? Not snark, genuinely curious.

NP. I had serious doubts and married anyway. Did not really want to get married but there was a lot of pressure. I hoped it would work. I was always unhappy. Almost left at 6 months in (unwarranted divorce threat) but stupidly thought I should try to make it work and give it one more year. Dumb. Ended up with an unplanned pregnancy trapped in a state I did not want to live in permanently. Could not leave due to custody issues. What a waste. OP is lucky she is getting out. Finally, after many other things happened that made it all worse, finally getting a divorce—10 YEARS later. And sadly, I had a sinking feeling it was not going to work even before getting engaged. He wanted to get married. My mom said I should or might regret it, etc. It was not cold feet.