Adult friendships ruined by parenting and child behavior

[Anonymous]

PP 9:02 I wrote watch out

[Anonymous]

Ages 10 and 3? No reason for these 2 age groups to ever play together. I get it if you don't want to confront the other mother, but I would decline invitations and not include them in mine. Trust your concerns.

[Anonymous]

"Instead of correcting her child for hurting my child, my friend became very defensive and started attacking my parenting style. The whole scene was so bizarre. The worst was that the mom seemed not to even believe that her child would be capable of doing the act."

Any time another parent immediately turns it around to blame you and cannot accept any responsibility for her child's behavior is when I now just back away and fade out. My kids are older now, but I learned the hard way that these situations only get worse, not better. The kids of these types of parents know they can act out with impunity, and they WILL. Why would you put your child in this situation? Get out, it's not worth it.

[Anonymous]

More than half the parents these days are the crappy type that doesn't properly discipline their kids. "Oh but what message would that be sending him? You say he was screaming loudly in a restaurant and I say he was simply expressing himself", "Oh you shouldn't get involved in kids' fighting, they need to work it out themselves you know", etc etc etc.

You just need to realize this as soon as you can and stop spending any time with them.

As for the deliberate mean streak, that's ALWAYS a sign of serious trouble at home. Someone behaves horrifically to them and so they take it out on others. You may think you know your friend, but you can never really know what's happening behind closed doors with her or in her home. You should pity the child, but from a good distance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She probably knows her child has problems with aggression, but doesn't want to talk about it with you. Which means you're not real friends (which you know), which means you have no obligation to spend time with her if you find this to be a dealbreaker. But if it's going to cause some kind of rift in your friendship circle, then probably easier to just talk it through and say that you can't let her son push your toddler or whatever.

I also see a lot of projecting in what you wrote. Just because you didn't see her reacting the way you thought she should doesn't mean she's not aware of and addressing discipline issues with her child, and it doesn't mean she doesn't think he is "capable" of doing it.

This is the thing. She has shared very personal traumatic things about her past and family. We are very close friends.

My friend said she has never heard of her child doing an act like this so she doesn’t believe child did it.

DH said to me that they know the child but she was probably reacted poorly in the moment. I was so fumed when we got home. I’m still upset. I obviously care about friendship or else I wouldn’t be this upset.

That's the real kicker here. The denial. That's what would bother me the most. I'd back off from this friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More than half the parents these days are the crappy type that doesn't properly discipline their kids. "Oh but what message would that be sending him? You say he was screaming loudly in a restaurant and I say he was simply expressing himself", "Oh you shouldn't get involved in kids' fighting, they need to work it out themselves you know", etc etc etc.

You just need to realize this as soon as you can and stop spending any time with them.

As for the deliberate mean streak, that's ALWAYS a sign of serious trouble at home. Someone behaves horrifically to them and so they take it out on others. You may think you know your friend, but you can never really know what's happening behind closed doors with her or in her home. You should pity the child, but from a good distance.

I love these statements. There's always serious trouble at home even if it's totally invisible. How do we know? Because we just know.

[Anonymous]

OP: How do you know exactly what happened? If you actually witnessed the incident and she did not (and could not have -- e.g., she was in a different room), then her denying that it happened is essentially calling you a liar and probably means this friendship is salvageable. If there's wiggle room -- neither of you saw it and her kid denies it or whatever, then I think it depends on the specific facts; if she genuinely thinks the event is out of character and her kid denies it, then I don't think it's absurd that she would in the moment take her kid's side and that can naturally lead to defensiveness.

Separately, the jump to attacking your parenting style: Is this a case where your 3 year old got in her 10 year old's way and conceivably could have been accidentally hurt? Because -- while it sounds like there's plenty of blame to go around -- I do think there's a weird tendency of parents of little kids to let them interfere in older kids' games/use equipment intended for them in a way that often ends poorly and I don't think is entirely the older kids' fault. Like I've seen a bunch of kids playing basketball well together (8-10 year olds) and parents of a little kid (likely with siblings in the game) don't stop that kid from trying to insert himself in the game/actively encourage their Larlos to let Little Larlo hold the ball or whatever and then are super pissed when another 10 year old steamrolls Little Larlo while trying to drive to the bucket. Not, like, intentionally in the sense of that being their aim, but intentionally in the sense of them being aware it was going to happen/not avoiding it in the process of trying to score. Was it this sort of scenario? If not, how did your parenting style play into the incident? If at all, does her criticism have any truth in it? (It very well might not at all, I don't have all the facts here, I'm just asking b/c it's unclear how criticizing your parenting plays into the incident from your OP.)

Finally, the new stuff about how this 10 year old gives you the creeps, etc. It seems like you really don't like him. Now, it could totally be that this kid is a budding psychopath. But it could also be that you're imputing intention to him that isn't there and/or that the other mom can see that you don't like her kid, which would likely be really hard for her and naturally lead to defensiveness. TL;DR: Some 10 year olds are creepy, but calling a 10 year old creepy isn't your best look objectivity-wise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have indicated that the other mom did not witness the offense. Did you see it occur? Did anyone else?

Going forward, I would supervise heavily and limit the time the kids time together. 2 hour play date/get togethers might be TOO long for this child in question.

If the answer to these questions is no, then the situation changes to, "My 3 yo got hurt, and said 10 yo did it. 10 yo said he didn't do it. I believe 3 yo, my friend believed 10 yo. This may ruin the friendship."

And that's ridiculous. I'd say she's better off without you, if this is the case.

[Anonymous]

She probably replied defensively because she was put on the defensive. In the same way your mama bear hackles were raised in that situation, so were hers.

The implication is that she has a bad kid, or that she did something wrong as a parent. Not a lot of people are going to react well in the moment.

I would not blow up this whole friend circle over this incident. It's fresh.

If you don't feel safe with your child being alone with the other bigger kids, then you have a few options. You can decide not to attend the event; you can get baby sitting; or you can supervise your child while at the event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:More than half the parents these days are the crappy type that doesn't properly discipline their kids. "Oh but what message would that be sending him? You say he was screaming loudly in a restaurant and I say he was simply expressing himself", "Oh you shouldn't get involved in kids' fighting, they need to work it out themselves you know", etc etc etc.

You just need to realize this as soon as you can and stop spending any time with them.

As for the deliberate mean streak, that's ALWAYS a sign of serious trouble at home. Someone behaves horrifically to them and so they take it out on others. You may think you know your friend, but you can never really know what's happening behind closed doors with her or in her home. You should pity the child, but from a good distance.

NP here. Its interesting to me how judgey some of these posters are about OP taking responsibility for her very young child/toddler's safety and concern that her child was hurt by a 10 year old. OP is being completely reasonable in her level of concern.

OP, the above poster hit the nail on the head. Your priority is your childs safety. Its just upsetting realizing this, but be thankful it wasn't through something more serious. Now you at least know to keep your eyes open and your guard up.