Adult friendships ruined by parenting and child behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your young toddler or preschooler will need to be directly supervised by you or your husband anytime her oldest child is present.

How do your older children feel about playing with this child?

THIS
How you interact will change, but it is what you have to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you still invite their family if they’re part of the group - unless you want to cause drama.

Not to excuse whatever happened, but many 8-9 year olds
are still working on impulse control. So unless it was really egregious or caused permanent injury, I would just play nice/ polite with them to keep the peace.

Right. I actually did end a close friendship over parenting/child behavioral issues, but it was because I knew that my child and the other child just could not be in the same room together based on repeated interactions. If this was just a one-time incident, it's hard to see why OP is reacting so strongly. What I suspect is that she never really liked "this mom," and this incident just brought it to a head.

No, I love this mom. I consider her to be one of my closest friends. I think I’m still very upset about the whole incident.

As much as I love the mom, I love my child more. And this was not a first offense.

What other things has he done?

[Anonymous]

You have indicated that the other mom did not witness the offense. Did you see it occur? Did anyone else?

Going forward, I would supervise heavily and limit the time the kids time together. 2 hour play date/get togethers might be TOO long for this child in question.

[Anonymous]

A version of this is happening in my social circle. One mom just doesn’t mind that her kids are out of control (destroy others property & bother other kids & pee everywhere).

I think there is an epidemic of rationalizing horrible behavior amongst our generation of moms.

[Anonymous]

It’s impossible to judge this situation without more details. Maybe your child was behaving terribly while unsupervised and the older child retaliated. Toddlers require constant adult supervision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A version of this is happening in my social circle. One mom just doesn’t mind that her kids are out of control (destroy others property & bother other kids & pee everywhere).

I think there is an epidemic of rationalizing horrible behavior amongst our generation of moms.

“One mom”

“There is an epidemic”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A version of this is happening in my social circle. One mom just doesn’t mind that her kids are out of control (destroy others property & bother other kids & pee everywhere).

I think there is an epidemic of rationalizing horrible behavior amongst our generation of moms.

Really? I don't think its any worse than some mom's I knew when I was a kid.

OP, I think you need to let it go. Was your child seriously injured? Broken bones? Just a scrape? Kids struggle with impulse control, have different personalities, some are difficult to handle, and this kids parents might be struggling and embarrassed that this happened. More supervision might be required, or not staying long enough for the kids to get out of control, but don't cut off a close friendship because of some kids playing too rough. They'll grow up.

[Anonymous]

OP, I don’t mean this in the usual Judgey DCUM Detective way, but I do wonder a little if your children are even younger than the 8 and 2 dynamic you say yours is “like.” I do sometimes find (and I was like this) moms of young kids really ascribe a lot more intent and responsibility to slightly older kids— and more than should be ascribed. For example, a 4-year-old intentionally harming a 1-year-old— though there’s still a huge imbalance of power— is very different from a 10-year-old harming a 5-year-old. Even though the former is 4x the age, and the latter only 2x (and a 5yo much better able to defend himself than a 1yo). Because the 4yo is just developmentally less likely to be able to control himself or have well-developed empathy. Anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t mean this in the usual Judgey DCUM Detective way, but I do wonder a little if your children are even younger than the 8 and 2 dynamic you say yours is “like.” I do sometimes find (and I was like this) moms of young kids really ascribe a lot more intent and responsibility to slightly older kids— and more than should be ascribed. For example, a 4-year-old intentionally harming a 1-year-old— though there’s still a huge imbalance of power— is very different from a 10-year-old harming a 5-year-old. Even though the former is 4x the age, and the latter only 2x (and a 5yo much better able to defend himself than a 1yo). Because the 4yo is just developmentally less likely to be able to control himself or have well-developed empathy. Anyway.

I agree with this to an extent. I remember going to the playground with my toddler and thinking the 4 and 5 year olds looked huge! Mini grown ups. Now that my oldest is 4 they look like babies. It’s all relative.

What are the ages of your child and your friends child? Also, has anything like this happened before?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you still invite their family if they’re part of the group - unless you want to cause drama.

Not to excuse whatever happened, but many 8-9 year olds
are still working on impulse control. So unless it was really egregious or caused permanent injury, I would just play nice/ polite with them to keep the peace.

Right. I actually did end a close friendship over parenting/child behavioral issues, but it was because I knew that my child and the other child just could not be in the same room together based on repeated interactions. If this was just a one-time incident, it's hard to see why OP is reacting so strongly. What I suspect is that she never really liked "this mom," and this incident just brought it to a head.

No, I love this mom. I consider her to be one of my closest friends. I think I’m still very upset about the whole incident.

As much as I love the mom, I love my child more. And this was not a first offense.

What other things has he done?

So, now there is a history? Anything else?

Op - can you just tell us what happened and the ages of the kid and a but more context.
You keep posting excuses and these really vague responses. It is beginning to be a waste of time posting you helpful advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t mean this in the usual Judgey DCUM Detective way, but I do wonder a little if your children are even younger than the 8 and 2 dynamic you say yours is “like.” I do sometimes find (and I was like this) moms of young kids really ascribe a lot more intent and responsibility to slightly older kids— and more than should be ascribed. For example, a 4-year-old intentionally harming a 1-year-old— though there’s still a huge imbalance of power— is very different from a 10-year-old harming a 5-year-old. Even though the former is 4x the age, and the latter only 2x (and a 5yo much better able to defend himself than a 1yo). Because the 4yo is just developmentally less likely to be able to control himself or have well-developed empathy. Anyway.

Op here. Her child is 10 and mine is 3. I have other elementary kids of my own. I am very well aware of children getting hit, pushed, bitten, etc. I also witness overprotective parents of firsts at preschool.

This child scares me in a creepy way. I would be fine never interacting with this child ever again. I’m so glad our kids do not attend the same school.

[Anonymous]

Assuming this is black & white with no gray area (which I highly doubt), you would feel vindicated with an apology and a public reprimand of her kid?
That's what it boils down to, no?

[Anonymous]

OP this may be a fork in the road for you and this friend. I’m saying this because as a friend and teacher I have seen this 3 times, where I thought the child in question was overly aggressive or problematic.
The first time I was your age and saw the kid high out of his mind wandering in traffic. In fact we almost hit him in our car. I mentioned this to the mom who stringently denied it ever happened. That kid had real problems that played out in later years.
The other two times it was just an excessively mean kid: more than normal. Keep your eyes open. Sometimes the parents rally cannot control the kid. And neither can you. The parents will deny
If you see it developing you have to put your kids needs first. The friendship has to become less about kids if this behavior continues. Don’t expect support from the mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes you still invite their family if they’re part of the group - unless you want to cause drama.

Not to excuse whatever happened, but many 8-9 year olds
are still working on impulse control. So unless it was really egregious or caused permanent injury, I would just play nice/ polite with them to keep the peace.

Right. I actually did end a close friendship over parenting/child behavioral issues, but it was because I knew that my child and the other child just could not be in the same room together based on repeated interactions. If this was just a one-time incident, it's hard to see why OP is reacting so strongly. What I suspect is that she never really liked "this mom," and this incident just brought it to a head.

No, I love this mom. I consider her to be one of my closest friends. I think I’m still very upset about the whole incident.

As much as I love the mom, I love my child more. And this was not a first offense.

What other things has he done?

So, now there is a history? Anything else?

Op - can you just tell us what happened and the ages of the kid and a but more context.
You keep posting excuses and these really vague responses. It is beginning to be a waste of time posting you helpful advice.

OP has said variously that she doesn't care about this friendship and that they're very close, extremely close, besties. The incident is serious but she doesn't care about it (presumably her DC isn't actually injured), only the inadequate parental response. Etc.

No, doesn't seem like OP is looking for advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I don’t mean this in the usual Judgey DCUM Detective way, but I do wonder a little if your children are even younger than the 8 and 2 dynamic you say yours is “like.” I do sometimes find (and I was like this) moms of young kids really ascribe a lot more intent and responsibility to slightly older kids— and more than should be ascribed. For example, a 4-year-old intentionally harming a 1-year-old— though there’s still a huge imbalance of power— is very different from a 10-year-old harming a 5-year-old. Even though the former is 4x the age, and the latter only 2x (and a 5yo much better able to defend himself than a 1yo). Because the 4yo is just developmentally less likely to be able to control himself or have well-developed empathy. Anyway.

Op here. Her child is 10 and mine is 3. I have other elementary kids of my own. I am very well aware of children getting hit, pushed, bitten, etc. I also witness overprotective parents of firsts at preschool.

This child scares me in a creepy way. I would be fine never interacting with this child ever again
. I’m so glad our kids do not attend the same school.

I wrote above because this.