My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?

[Anonymous]

If your whole life outside of work is your kids, then yes, there is a problem with being too wrapped up in your kids. Everyone should have time for themselves and their own interests or life. If you have a co-parent, then your co-parent should have times with the kids when you aren't around. What do you do during those times? If you use your "me time" for doing errands or chores, like grocery shopping, then it really isn't taking time for yourself. Even if you are a single parent, you should still find a way to take some time for yourself. If you can't afford extra childcare, then take an afternoon off when the kids are with whatever childcare that you currently have and do something for yourself. But find a way to take time for yourself and do something that you want to do.

My spouse and I both take time to do things without the kids. I have an activity that I used to do before kids. I do a lot less of it now, but I still participate every now and then. My spouse has a group of long-time friends and periodically I will take care of the kids and my spouse will go and spend time with this group of friends. They don't get together as often as they used to (most have families and some aren't always available when the rest of the group is), but they get together periodically and someone will pick an activity that the group will do together.

You need time to maintain your own identity and to have some time away from the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your co-worker sounds like a bitch.

I agree with this actually. I have hobbies, but the question of what’s new is more likely to lead to a kid answer. I like to garden, cook, read, interested in politics, I work —- but that’s not new. They are the ones changing and doing more things. It’s no biggie. OP, are you happy? Feel fulfilled? If not, make a change. If so, carry on. Don’t let others bring you down with criticism.

Sigh. This is why nobody helps each other. Coworker gave OP constructive feedback and now she’s a bitch. No good deed goes unpunished.

Exactly. I have a child and if every time I talk to a co-worker all she does is talk about her kids, then I likely won’t talk as much to them.

I have a co-worker who we sometimes talk about our kids and how we can relate what each is going thru. But no means is that all we talk about or the kids are the topic of the majority of our conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

I could not disagree more. You need to be a full person (with outside interests and relationships) to be a good parent. All you are doing is modeling obsession.

OP, you must regain a sense of self or your children will turn into narcissists. They need to see you as a full person with many sides and many interests - and friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

I could not disagree more. You need to be a full person (with outside interests and relationships) to be a good parent. All you are doing is modeling obsession.

OP, you must regain a sense of self or your children will turn into narcissists. They need to see you as a full person with many sides and many interests - and friends.

That’s not how you make a child a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

There are some weird ass trolls on this thread.

OP, I think your coworker was trying to do you a favor. My kids are so special and wonderful and interesting. To me. And my husband. Maybe the grandparents, but really no one else.

Recognizing this doesn't make me a bad parent. It makes me socially aware.

Mostly when coworkers ask how you're doing, they're being polite and just want to hear "Fine".

Actually many people would rather just talk about themselves, so if you really don't have any topics beyond your kids just say something like: "I'm doing great. What have you been up to lately?" or whatever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I see people and they ask what’s new, I tend to talk about my children. Oh “Larlo’s still in travel ball so busy with that” or “Larlie’s a college freshman” etc. One of my coworkers told me today that I never talk about myself when people ask me this, only my kids. I do it because I work full time and my kids pretty much are my life outside of that. Sad? So is that not an acceptable response and I need to focus more on myself?

Its fine to include these facts, but you also need to say something about yourself. I'm reading this book, I tried this restaurant, we're planning this trip, etc. You are not answering coworker's question by immediately talking about what your kids are doing. I don't think talking about your kids is off limits, but put yourself in the conversation. What's new? We dropped off Larlie at college last week, this past weekend I went to xx for a soccer game. While we were there I tried this restaurant, etc.

[Anonymous]

I give different responses based on who is acting. A colleague or old college buddy - yes, I'd start with myself before moving on to the kids. Another mom? I'd probably respond the way you did.

[Anonymous]

^ asking

[Anonymous]

People ask how you are and your answer is tat your son is in a travel sport? Geez.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:People ask how you are and your answer is tat your son is in a travel sport? Geez.

More likely the question was "what have you been up to" and she honestly answered "I've been busy getting Jimmy to travel soccer practices and tournaments." It's a time suck for parents not just the athletes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are some weird ass trolls on this thread.

OP, I think your coworker was trying to do you a favor. My kids are so special and wonderful and interesting. To me. And my husband. Maybe the grandparents, but really no one else.

Recognizing this doesn't make me a bad parent. It makes me socially aware.

Mostly when coworkers ask how you're doing, they're being polite and just want to hear "Fine".

Actually many people would rather just talk about themselves, so if you really don't have any topics beyond your kids just say something like: "I'm doing great. What have you been up to lately?" or whatever.

This. OP, no one cares or wants to hear about your kids when they ask how you are. Make something up. Something short. "I'm fine! Just came back from a beach trip with the family. Work's been busy, I'm still digging out! And how are you, what's new with you?" etc.

I can relate in that I have no life outside of kids right now. But my kids are 2.5 and 10 months. I try not to talk about them constantly because I recognize how boring I am.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, no polite small talk at work is interesting.

You think me giving an update on Johnny starting basketball is boring and I think your update on your trip to OBX is boring. We're just trying to get through the day.

If this was a comment from an actual friend, that would be different.

[Anonymous]

There is a difference between your identity being wrapped up with your kids and your TIME being consumed with kid and family related tasks. My time is pretty well packed with kids and family, and if asked what I've been doing recently, I don't have a lot to say that's not kid related. But I still have interests outside my family and my identity is separate from them. Now that my first is off to college and my second is driving, I only need to chauffeur the third and I'm starting to see some daylight in the craziness, I need to plan more specific things for just myself. There were a couple of days/evenings last spring that I was "untasked" and I was so surprised by the free time I wasn't sure what to do with myself.

[Anonymous]

Not a big deal. We talk about what is on our minds. I might talk about kids too, as opposed to, just diagnosed with major food allergies, can't eat this and that, have gastritis, waiting for a biopsy, brand new dishwasher broke, in grad school and my load with kids and all is nuts, or about my academic studies(boring to others...) or my eczema is gone now that I don't drink milk. Nobody really cares, not about me or the kids, so I choose less depressing conversations.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.

+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.

I do not talk about my kids at work or pregnancies. And then I was told by my male manager at my performance evaluation that other coworkers thought that was cold. You can't win! I work in a 100% female environment. My pregnancies were IVF and I had lots of health issues, so I wasn't comfortable talking about them at all (I lost a 20+ week pregnancy). During my pregnancy, one of my meaner coworkers told me she knew I wasn't happy to be pregnant, but they liked being included in my pregnancies. Another coworker thought I didn't like children because I didn't want to discuss mine. None of which could be further from the truth. I love them to pieces, but I really want to keep things professional. Plus it's weird being the only 30 year old when everyone else is 55-65 years old. They don't understand and are judgy. "I don't know why young moms still rear face their poor toddlers." Or snide comments about pumping breastmilk. If I say anything about my kids, they'll just say they had it harder and how easy it is for moms now. I've encountered this dynamic before too at a previous job. FWIW I'm a lawyer and all my coworkers are paralegals or admins.