My identity is too wrapped up in my kids?

[Anonymous]

Your co-worker sounds like a bitch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

I suspect you think you are one of them?

I know I am. I suspect you think that having your entire identity wrapped up in your kids makes you a good mom? I guess I just don't understand this. Don't you have any hobbies or interests outside of your kids? Don't you do anything without your kids in tow?

There is a healthy balance between "my identity isn't my kids" and "my identity is my kids". Obviously you don't neglect your kids for the sake of your own hobbies. But you also have to be someone other than mom.

Maybe you should check on your kids rather than wasting time here. You know, little ones?

DH is with DS at an activity. Something they do every Wednesday together. What a strange person to be attempting to attack me...

[Anonymous]

I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That just means you are a good parent.

No, it doesn't. I know plenty of good parents whose entire identity isn't wrapped around their kids. I know suffocating moms who do damage to their kids because their entire identity is their children.

I suspect you think you are one of them?

I know I am. I suspect you think that having your entire identity wrapped up in your kids makes you a good mom? I guess I just don't understand this. Don't you have any hobbies or interests outside of your kids? Don't you do anything without your kids in tow?

There is a healthy balance between "my identity isn't my kids" and "my identity is my kids". Obviously you don't neglect your kids for the sake of your own hobbies. But you also have to be someone other than mom.

Maybe you should check on your kids rather than wasting time here. You know, little ones?

DH is with DS at an activity. Something they do every Wednesday together. What a strange person to be attempting to attack me...

Try to spend more time with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You may be like my sister. Wonderful person but since her kids were born her entire life was about them. That's all she talked about and any interests always tied back to something to do with the kids. Her husband was similar when they were little, but as they got older he realized the importance of having his own life. So he got his own interests and became a much more fun person. My sister kind of double downed when her oldest went to college. Her poor husband thought it meant they could do more things has a couple, but she just overly invested in the younger child. Well, 3 years later that kid got his license and wasn't as interested in mom. Husband thought...oh good. We can go back to having couple time, etc. Nope, sister just got involved in her son's activities in other ways. He went to college across.the country to get away from her. Her daughter had moved closer but very much had her own life and was pretty private about involving her mom in it.

She fell into a depression. Her husband had given up trying to make them work as a couple. She finally got therapy but it was too late. The marriage was over and she had to learn to be her own person when she was 55. They are still married. Seem a tiny bit happier.

Obviously this is a worst case scenario. But it's dangerous to have no identity outside of your kids. They eventually grow up and don't need you as much. And then who are you?

Oh please you’re a bit of a jerk to act like that’s the next step for OP

[Anonymous]

I get it OP. I’m like you in spirit but I know it never sounds great — you need to have some other random thing to bring up when people ask you how you are or what’s going on. It doesn’t matter what it is —just answer briefly and turn the question back on them.

[Anonymous]

Hi OP,

I am very much like you - my main hobby is my one and only kid in elementary school. And I love it. I love planning weekends with kid activities.
As a full time mom with a long commute, only dinner time is left to spend time together. Some days are with extracurricular, which DH takes care of, then not even dinner together. I did not yet find a way to make more time for other own hobbies, except occasional cooking, gardening, organizing things around the house, and visiting friends alone.

I have an acute sense of time going too fast so enjoying today every day before college times begin.

If I had energy, I would re-start running. Working towards this little goal these days but it’s difficult even as I could not agree more it would be healthier.

My colleagues are nice, and weekend kids activities I tell them about normally brings out smiles.

[Anonymous]

It is really annoying to ask someone how they’re doing and they immediately start talking about someone else. There’s definitely a type. This is the girl who would have responded to the same question gushing about her boyfriend. Then fiancé/husband. As she gets older her focus becomes the kids. My eyes glaze over and I immediately regret asking.

If it happens consistently, I will avoid talking to you. (And FYI, so does everyone else. If you wonder why your career is stagnating, this is definitely a factor.)

[Anonymous]

Your coworker was looking out for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is really annoying to ask someone how they’re doing and they immediately start talking about someone else. There’s definitely a type. This is the girl who would have responded to the same question gushing about her boyfriend. Then fiancé/husband. As she gets older her focus becomes the kids. My eyes glaze over and I immediately regret asking.

If it happens consistently, I will avoid talking to you. (And FYI, so does everyone else. If you wonder why your career is stagnating, this is definitely a factor.)

You sound overly dramatic and sour at the same time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I either talk about my kids or pop culture because I’m not interested in sharing anything of myself with coworkers I’m not close to.

+1 But apparently we need to cross the kids off the list.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really annoying to ask someone how they’re doing and they immediately start talking about someone else. There’s definitely a type. This is the girl who would have responded to the same question gushing about her boyfriend. Then fiancé/husband. As she gets older her focus becomes the kids. My eyes glaze over and I immediately regret asking.

If it happens consistently, I will avoid talking to you. (And FYI, so does everyone else. If you wonder why your career is stagnating, this is definitely a factor.)

You sound overly dramatic and sour at the same time.

Nobody wants to hear you gush about your closest relation. Think of it as the Bechdel test 2.0. If you can’t have a conversation without mentioning your children, you fail. If you’re engaged and every single conversation is about your fiancé, you fail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your co-worker sounds like a bitch.

I agree with this actually. I have hobbies, but the question of what’s new is more likely to lead to a kid answer. I like to garden, cook, read, interested in politics, I work —- but that’s not new. They are the ones changing and doing more things. It’s no biggie. OP, are you happy? Feel fulfilled? If not, make a change. If so, carry on. Don’t let others bring you down with criticism.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is really annoying to ask someone how they’re doing and they immediately start talking about someone else. There’s definitely a type. This is the girl who would have responded to the same question gushing about her boyfriend. Then fiancé/husband. As she gets older her focus becomes the kids. My eyes glaze over and I immediately regret asking.

If it happens consistently, I will avoid talking to you. (And FYI, so does everyone else. If you wonder why your career is stagnating, this is definitely a factor.)

You sound overly dramatic and sour at the same time.

I’m dramatic because I said it’s boring? I think you need to look up the definition of dramatic, it doesn’t mean what you think it means..,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your co-worker sounds like a bitch.

I agree with this actually. I have hobbies, but the question of what’s new is more likely to lead to a kid answer. I like to garden, cook, read, interested in politics, I work —- but that’s not new. They are the ones changing and doing more things. It’s no biggie. OP, are you happy? Feel fulfilled? If not, make a change. If so, carry on. Don’t let others bring you down with criticism.

Sigh. This is why nobody helps each other. Coworker gave OP constructive feedback and now she’s a bitch. No good deed goes unpunished.