How to offer wife help with kids

[Anonymous]

Another thing: there are extended school year services for children with autism. It may not be too late to get your kid into this program for the summer. I’m in FCPS and I believe our ESY started after July 4th and goes through most of August. Is this something that you could push for with your middle child?

[Anonymous]

OP here. I used the word therapy (and his therapist does go to his school) but the 4 times a week commitment is ESY. So during those 3.5 hours wife tries to get baby down for "good nap" but between pick ups and drop offs and especially if oldest has something in the middle of that time frame its really not much time. The 10 hour a week job correlated to her career before kids. She was (and is) a BSN and she is the "nurses line" answering service for a local practice 6 hours a week twice a week. She really likes it and less work is not the answer. She is very scared of getting even further away from her own career. Not sure what MLM is? Even if this is MLM she likes it and I don't want to suggest cutting it.

[Anonymous]

We have 3 too, without any special needs, and it is hard when they are little. OUrs are little too. We both work full-time, so it is a different dynamic for us, but I recently had some conversaations with my husband saying that I can't do all that I am doing. We are even in couples therapy just for maintainence (no big issue) where we talk about division of labor and the mental load I carry that he doens't. I suffer, like your wife does, of figureing out what to let go and how. From your list of tasks, the soccer coordination has to go from your wife's plate. Has to. Then you all need to sit down together and list out every single thing that is on the list to see what she can let go. For me, it is truly hard to let things go bc often, in order to give it to my DH, I will have to explicitely explain what needs to be done and when. It is easier to just do it myself. But, when we sat down to list all the stuff that is on our list, there were things I could let go: all meal prep - lunches/breakfasts included. He gets up in the morning, gets breakfast ready and all children ready, and then I come out. He does all insurance wrangling, all car care stuff, all dog care stuff, all retirement account stuff, and he makes all doctor's appointments. He handles everything when his family visits. He handles baths. The biggest help for me - and likely your wife - is to take it off the mental list. It is not helpful if I have to remind you, coach you, remind you to do the task. That is more work for me and easier just to do it myself. You must own it, and it must be so automatic that I don't even think about it every bc it is just done. You are doing great, OP. This is a hard stage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you guys are struggling. I would look into a “mother’s helper”/a younger baby sitter for the house, to help take care of either the baby or to play with the older kids under somewhat supervision from your wife. There are also “parents night out” programs at some of the indoor play areas around here - I get emails for them all the time. Maybe you could drop the oldest at one of those places for an evening.

As for other stuff: are you already ordering groceries for delivery or store pickup? If not, start doing that so you don’t have to spend time at the grocery store. Most of the grocery stores around here offer it as do walmart and Target. Stick to easy meals like sandwiches, vegetables and dip, pasta, tacos, etc. Also, does your wife need to be working right now? Can she take the rest of the summer off and pick it back up in the fall after school starts?

OP here. This is how I am and would totally agree but its her THING. She has a class she goes to twice a week where she sees her friends and it's also a social thing. I honestly wish she had more classes to go to because she really likes it.

You're right OP - she probably really needs that time. it's her time just for HER. I definitely wouldn't push on that time, that's the last thing she needs. Your other ideas will be much more palatable for her I think

Also, my husband and I sometimes have what we call a "state of the union" where we really sit down, go through who is taking on what, what has been getting lost in the mix, where we want things to be etc., just a check-in but we make it more formal, like hey let's plan a state of the union this week and then we get out a bottle of wine, have some dessert and go through our budget all sorts of things. Wondering if there is any chance of a night you all could do this and truly write out all the different things your wife is doing, and find ones you can take on. if you have it all listed out you might be able to say - hey, I can handle x. also x. and also could we get a mothers helper for x time. Your wife might be more amenable too if it's a joint discussion like that. If she's particularly overwhelmed she may feel sensitive if she thinks you're coming to her with this stuff and perceive she 'can't handle it.' When that isn't at all what you are trying to do/imply.

[Anonymous]

MLM is multi-level marketing, aka pyramid schemes. Amway, Mary Kay, Rodan+Fields, Herbalife, doTerra. Your wife isn't in a MLM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a third kid when you are barely surviving?

Ugh. OP please ignore these trolls or they will take over the thread.

No, it's a fair question.

Why is it a fair question? Do you need the answer to formulate a helpful response to his question of what more he can do to help his wife? Of course you don't. What's the point of the question? The point is that you are superior, and to make the poster feel worse than he currently does. Is that your job? You sound like a self righteous ass. I cannot stand people like you. Get off your high horse. I guarantee you if we examined your life we could find TONS of decisions and actions that could be called questionable.

I get that it makes people uncomfortable, but it IS a fair question, and I say that as a parent. Too many people don't ask themselves this question and just assume that it will all work out somehow. Others consider the risks of having another child when one of theirs is already showing signs of needing extra help (autism diagnosis wasn't known till well into pregnancy but ASD diagnosis of middle child seems to have been known). I've had many friends in this type of situation ask themselves whether it is fair to their existing kid(s) to have another (and some decide it is). Regardless, OP is clearly a thoughtful person and gave a reasoned answer, so we can now move on.

[Anonymous]

MLM is multi level marketing, like Mary Kay. But it is clear your wife has a real job.

Ask your wife! What is the one thing she does know that feels the least rewarding or time consuming? Then take it over, hire it out, or find other strategies.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I used the word therapy (and his therapist does go to his school) but the 4 times a week commitment is ESY. So during those 3.5 hours wife tries to get baby down for "good nap" but between pick ups and drop offs and especially if oldest has something in the middle of that time frame its really not much time. The 10 hour a week job correlated to her career before kids. She was (and is) a BSN and she is the "nurses line" answering service for a local practice 6 hours a week twice a week. She really likes it and less work is not the answer. She is very scared of getting even further away from her own career. Not sure what MLM is? Even if this is MLM she likes it and I don't want to suggest cutting it.

I agree she should keep the ten hours a week for the reasons you cited. Don’t suggest she drop that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here is our situation: 5 month old, almost 4 year old with ASD 1, and 8 year old with mild ADHD. Wife stays at home mostly but works 10 hours a week from home. This summer we seem to really be struggling. She takes kids to pool twice a week, middle son has therapy 4 times a week, older son has playdates and soccer and I can see how worn wife is. She isn't interested in child care help because our middle son really can't handle sitters. It would be more work than it's worth. She isn't interested in cleaning people as our house is fairly clean and she doesn't really mind the busy work plus she feels like leaving the house so ppl can clean is harder than cleaning. We do source out all yard work so I can be completely "on" on weekends. Wife goes to our JCC 3-4 times a week for working out and massages but that isn't enough anymore. She really isn't eating meals and she has constant paper work...middle sons IEP and therapy stuff, she's our older sons soccer team "coordinator" so she's always emailing and figuring out the field times and dates etc, our 5 month old is still at a stage where she has a million appointments and all that. It just seems like "too much" yet she isn't allowing anyone to take it off her plate. More like she can't think of ways to lessen the load. She's no martyr and accepts help but its just too many of the jobs seem to only be able to be done by her. We both agreed next year my oldest will go to more camps. He did a few this year but not many and none whole day. Next year we will change that. What else can we do here? I know a lot of this will lessen when school returns but I am afraid what another 5 weeks of this will do to her. I would normally take PTO here and there and work 1 or 2 half days a week but I blew all my time off with the baby. Our parents are both flights away. What am I not thinking of here???

I couldn't read what you wrote because you need to break up your paragraphs or write less.

I got the basic gist but, it wasn't easy.

I would ask your wife whst you could do. What strangers suggest might not what she wants.

Good luck

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the grandparents would be actually helpful, fly them out.

Get a mother’s helper for the baby who at this age won’t care who is caring for it.

Get meals delivered or you cook.

Wake up with the baby at night so she can get a full night of sleep - if she’s not already getting a full night of sleep, that alone could make all the difference.

Dp you just called as baby. It.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to take on a set of responsibilities such that you own them and she doesn’t have to think about them.
Eg: soccer coordination job. Do all meal prep so all she has to do is do the actual cooking. Make all kids’ lunches. Do all grocery shopping. Take oldest kid to do X activity 2 days a week.

This is big. The mental takes more effort and is stressful than executing the plan.

Why can't you take over the IEP paperwork or be the soccer coordinator? My DH is a co-coach, and he works FT, as do many other dads. Have her give up the soccer stuff.

Cut back on the playdates. Something's gotta give, and that's one that can. Or say that you can do playdates at other people's homes but not your's.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a third kid when you are barely surviving?

Ugh. OP please ignore these trolls or they will take over the thread.

No, it's a fair question.

It isn't a fair question, because it has nothing to do with solving the problem. It's not like OP is going to give the third child back.

[Anonymous]

Take a look at the paperwork and coordination. Consider hiring a personal assistant/house manager to take some of the weight off. Older kid should have an assigned caregiver to shuttle him around. I also think that although right now she is the primary caregiver, there is no reason it has to stay that way forever. There are people with experience with SN kids on care.com who, even if they can’t take a full day, could drive him to appointments and do a few hours at home here and there. The key is integrating them slowly. Basically they would spend a lot of time with your wife and him, after 2 weeks or so phase your wife out for short periods so he begins to trust them. If you get the right person it will be a huge help for your wife (mentally) to know it doesn’t all ride on her.


Burnout is real. It’s good you are taking steps to prevent it.

[Anonymous]

I would have someone come to clean the house once a week, maybe schedule it when she is out at an appt or class.

Hire a sitter once or twice a week either for the baby while she is out with the other 2 or for the 8yo an baby while she is doing something with the 4yo.

You can always tell her to try it for a month and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have someone come to clean the house once a week, maybe schedule it when she is out at an appt or class.

Hire a sitter once or twice a week either for the baby while she is out with the other 2 or for the 8yo an baby while she is doing something with the 4yo.

You can always tell her to try it for a month and see how it goes.

To be clear, I dont mean not tell her, I mean tell her but have them come when she knows she will already be out.