How to offer wife help with kids

[Anonymous]

Op you sound like a caring husband. Here are some thoughts of things you could do:

-paperwork related to IEP, insurance submissions
-take over her “soccer coordinator” role
-making doctor appointments
-taking time off to take children to doctor or therapy appts sometimes
-make sure she can sleep in on weekends
-if you think she needs therapy or to talk to her doctor about anxiety or depression (the “she’s not eating meals” seems like a red flag), offer to make appt for her and take time off to watch kids while she goes to appt
-cook, cleanup after dinner
-order groceries delivered (you order them, for delivery on weekend if you can)
-second suggestions re getting babysitter for at least some kids, or paying more for one w experience w ASD, and also researching camps

Good luck to you and your family.

[Anonymous]

If the grandparents would be actually helpful, fly them out.

Get a mother’s helper for the baby who at this age won’t care who is caring for it.

Get meals delivered or you cook.

Wake up with the baby at night so she can get a full night of sleep - if she’s not already getting a full night of sleep, that alone could make all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who's cooking and cleaning up from dinner?

Take out food/eating out and grocery delivery services. More ready made meals/food so she can eat whenever.

Find more camps or classes. It's not too late.

Some childcare help is better than none. Hire a mother's helper to play with the oldest.

You don't need to leave the house for cleaning. "Fairly" clean is different than having someone else spend an hour scrubbing toliets for you.

Ask your parents anyway and fly them out for a few weeks if they're willing (and actually helpful). If they become a burden as a "guest" don't bother.

Dump the soccer coordinator role. Someone else can pick it up and it IS being a martyr if she won't let it go.

Now that I'm thinking about it, your wife is being a bit of a martyr. Cleaning and getting a sitter would be helpful. It's not black and white where they have to do 100% or 0%. Having SOME help is better than NONE and it sounds like your wife prefers the none.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a third kid when you are barely surviving?

Ugh. OP please ignore these trolls or they will take over the thread.

No, it's a fair question.

[Anonymous]

OP again. Dinner is pretty well taken care of. I grill a protein and we make easy sides (like microwave green beans and rice). Groceries are delivered as mentioned above. That does help. My work has a daycare drop in rate that you don't have to be on the main waiting list for. The daily rate is HIGH but I am thinking of asking wife if she would be interested in baby going twice a week till school starts. Even once a week. I just learned about this so I am excited about this possibility.

[Anonymous]

How about a mother's helper? It seems like your wife wants to be around but if she had someone in the house with her (maybe a 13- 15 yr old neighbor) who can play with the 8 year old and help with add hoc things like grabbing wipes while she is changing the baby b/c she forgot to stock the changing table (it happens to all of us). Just an extra set of hands for whatever she needs at the time and in the moment. Sometimes it is hard to envision what you need in advance and that can feel overwhelming instead of helpful.

Or someone who can come from 5-8 and help with dinner and bathing the kids before bed. Those can be the witching hours for many families with young kids.

[Anonymous]

OP here. When we got pregnant with out 5 month old we just assumed (and were told by many doctors) our son had a speech delay. We didn't know we were dealing with autism till about 6 months ago and got a formal diagnosis 3 months ago. Regardless the size of our family fits what we can financially afford and what we desire. We are just going through a busy time currently. We are both committed to figuring out how to work more efficiently. We aren't drowning and we don't regret baby number 3. I just don't want to wait on the sidelines till we are drowning.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry you guys are struggling. I would look into a “mother’s helper”/a younger baby sitter for the house, to help take care of either the baby or to play with the older kids under somewhat supervision from your wife. There are also “parents night out” programs at some of the indoor play areas around here - I get emails for them all the time. Maybe you could drop the oldest at one of those places for an evening.

As for other stuff: are you already ordering groceries for delivery or store pickup? If not, start doing that so you don’t have to spend time at the grocery store. Most of the grocery stores around here offer it as do walmart and Target. Stick to easy meals like sandwiches, vegetables and dip, pasta, tacos, etc. Also, does your wife need to be working right now? Can she take the rest of the summer off and pick it back up in the fall after school starts?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. When we got pregnant with out 5 month old we just assumed (and were told by many doctors) our son had a speech delay. We didn't know we were dealing with autism till about 6 months ago and got a formal diagnosis 3 months ago. Regardless the size of our family fits what we can financially afford and what we desire. We are just going through a busy time currently. We are both committed to figuring out how to work more efficiently. We aren't drowning and we don't regret baby number 3. I just don't want to wait on the sidelines till we are drowning.

you sound like a really good Dad OP.

[Anonymous]

Even if you don’t want a regular cleaning service, maybe you can hire a company to do a one time deep cleaning, and then you have a good baseline clean while only having to be “all out of the house” the one time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you take on some of the paperwork or takeover the soccer coordination job? The idea that something can only be done by one person seems like anxiety or perfectionism or something.

Or she should quit the soccer coordinator job if she doesn’t enjoy it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry you guys are struggling. I would look into a “mother’s helper”/a younger baby sitter for the house, to help take care of either the baby or to play with the older kids under somewhat supervision from your wife. There are also “parents night out” programs at some of the indoor play areas around here - I get emails for them all the time. Maybe you could drop the oldest at one of those places for an evening.

As for other stuff: are you already ordering groceries for delivery or store pickup? If not, start doing that so you don’t have to spend time at the grocery store. Most of the grocery stores around here offer it as do walmart and Target. Stick to easy meals like sandwiches, vegetables and dip, pasta, tacos, etc. Also, does your wife need to be working right now? Can she take the rest of the summer off and pick it back up in the fall after school starts?

OP here. This is how I am and would totally agree but its her THING. She has a class she goes to twice a week where she sees her friends and it's also a social thing. I honestly wish she had more classes to go to because she really likes it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have a third kid when you are barely surviving?

Ugh. OP please ignore these trolls or they will take over the thread.

No, it's a fair question.

Why is it a fair question? Do you need the answer to formulate a helpful response to his question of what more he can do to help his wife? Of course you don't. What's the point of the question? The point is that you are superior, and to make the poster feel worse than he currently does. Is that your job? You sound like a self righteous ass. I cannot stand people like you. Get off your high horse. I guarantee you if we examined your life we could find TONS of decisions and actions that could be called questionable.

[Anonymous]

What about babysitter during the times middle son has therapy? The stress of getting three kids in the car, the back and forth etc must be really taxing and then if some of the therapies require parent involvement it frees her up to be more focused. I know that's a bit difficult with a 5 month old if breastfeeding, but even if she just took the baby but older kid was able to stay home. It's hard to find that type of part time care during the school year consistently, but if you post on nextdoor for your neighborhood you might find a high schooler or someone home from college that could be a mothers helper+ basically on the days that your middle son has therapy. When not in therapy on those days they are there to help with things, then stay with older son during therapies. The daycare 2 days a week you mentioned is a great idea, but I will warn you that as a mom to a 5 month old days in daycare also caused me my own type of stress so just wanted to prepare you that that kind of separation if she's not really comfortable with the care she may not go for. But you should 100% offer it!

[Anonymous]

Email the soccer coach/team and ask someone else to take over, or take on part of the duties—money/fields/etc.

I would find a part time nanny or babysitter who has experience with ASD

Is your wife working in her field 10 hours a week or is it a keep busy/MLM job? If it’s the former, maybe she should look into working out of the house those hours just for a change of scenery/mental break. It will be a tough transition but worth it in the end.