Donor egg-telling the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:For those that are asking "why tell them?" and questioning the risk of commercial dna testing espcially as the children reach adulthood -

there's more to dna testing than just the silly estimated "ethnicity" results. Join any genetic genealogy group and you will see daily comments from stunned adults who discovered one or both of their parents are NOT their biological parent. A big part of dna testing is "matching": sharing results with the rest of the participants and finding familial matches. Some of the folks making these discoveries are old enough to have had their parent(s) pass away so there is no one to turn to to get "their story".

It's heartbreaking to witness.

If that was OP who posted earlier that they did dna testing and it "didn't reveal a thing" did you opt into matching/sharing and check your child's matches?

I am that PP. I should say didn’t reveal anything we didn’t already know. We both come from famous old families with records dating back a ridiculous long time. Lots and lots of genetic matches. If we followed every one down it would be a big long hobby. What does it even mean? I did get a match from my cousin so it’s accurate. Ancestry.com is social.

OK that response does not make sense in the context of this thread.

If you tested the child, who is a product of donor eggs and father's sperm, the known or recognizable matches will only be to the father's side. All the child's dna matches at a site like ancestry.com will be to the father and the donor and not the mother who carried the pregnancy (unless she's related to the donor) .

The point isn't about the parents doing dna testing but about the child who was conceived using donor eggs.

[Anonymous]

^^replying to above: Yes we did DNA testing on DE children. Because they are of the same ethnicity the results from ancestry.com didn’t tell us much.
We did find out a lot of social links to fathers family. The “links” we found were not from DNA but social. Our records matched which is how ancestry.com works. It doesn’t really link you up DNA wise. It didn’t appear to be that precise. It’s not medical DNA testing for diseases etc. just not that site. Also even on sites that purport to say they do that I’m not so sure. Lots of dead ends.

[Anonymous]

Duh. Really the DNA test would not reflect the mom if it was DE? You felt you needed to get the news out?

[Anonymous]

I think most of those stories about DNA results being so unexpected is hype. “I found out I was related to Obama!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. The DE origin is not a secret and never has been. We have talked about it off and on over the years. But it isn't something that has come up a lot and not something they ask about so we haven't covered it in detail. It hasn't come up in a while and I forget to mention it, which I guess is my bad... I don' t know. I will find a way to work it into conversation and give them the opportunity to ask questions and know the door is open if they ever do want to talk about it. I will not sit them down and have some big heart to heart like it's a deep dark secret that has to be unloaded. My oldest is going through a health issue right now and I am not going to add something else to his plate unnecessarily.

OP, I don’t think there is a right answer. I am in the same boat and my DD is 4. We are not keeping it a secret, but truly how often does the issue of a person’s conception come up naturally in a conversation. My concern is that even though we are not keeping it a secret, will she be paying enough attention so that it will not come as a surprise to her she is a teenager. We considered raising it every year at Thanksgiving (saying one of the things we are thankful for is the egg donor who was willing to help us start our family) but worry that our DD might eventually view that negatively somehow if it is brought up every year. You just don’t know how kids will interpret something. Sorry I don’t have an answer. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. The DE origin is not a secret and never has been. We have talked about it off and on over the years. But it isn't something that has come up a lot and not something they ask about so we haven't covered it in detail. It hasn't come up in a while and I forget to mention it, which I guess is my bad... I don' t know. I will find a way to work it into conversation and give them the opportunity to ask questions and know the door is open if they ever do want to talk about it. I will not sit them down and have some big heart to heart like it's a deep dark secret that has to be unloaded. My oldest is going through a health issue right now and I am not going to add something else to his plate unnecessarily.

OP, I don’t think there is a right answer. I am in the same boat and my DD is 4. We are not keeping it a secret, but truly how often does the issue of a person’s conception come up naturally in a conversation. My concern is that even though we are not keeping it a secret, will she be paying enough attention so that it will not come as a surprise to her she is a teenager. We considered raising it every year at Thanksgiving (saying one of the things we are thankful for is the egg donor who was willing to help us start our family) but worry that our DD might eventually view that negatively somehow if it is brought up every year. You just don’t know how kids will interpret something. Sorry I don’t have an answer. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

There are counselors who can help you with how to address it at various stages of your kids' lives and books about how to talk to them about it. For as much effort as DE took, it's worth the effort to get comfortable talking about it and keep the relationship healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^replying to above: Yes we did DNA testing on DE children. Because they are of the same ethnicity the results from ancestry.com didn’t tell us much.
We did find out a lot of social links to fathers family. The “links” we found were not from DNA but social. Our records matched which is how ancestry.com works. It doesn’t really link you up DNA wise. It didn’t appear to be that precise. It’s not medical DNA testing for diseases etc. just not that site. Also even on sites that purport to say they do that I’m not so sure. Lots of dead ends.

Ancestry DNA does link up people by DNA. If there are known family tree matches, they tell you that as well. However, it might tell you someone is a likely 3rd cousin (or whatever) even if they have not put in any family tree info.

[Anonymous]

My DE twins are in middle school now. We read “Mommy, Was Your Tummy Big?” when they were little. Then we talked about the donor when the school curriculum touched on DNA or the little that they get on sex and reproduction. One kid has always been more interested than the other but both seem to take it in stride. I have offered them the donor profile and neither took me up on it. It’s scarily amazing how much they are like me in terms of personality, temperament, etc., and my husband likes to joke that the clinic somehow did use my eggs. We try to joke about it, too, as in, “Not my genes” when they eat something that adults consider gross like ice cream with weird/excessive mix-ins.

I think that it truly is like adoption in the sense of just being open, available, and relaxed about it with them. Nothing scary here, folks, keep walking and don’t freak out.

[Anonymous]

The evidence-based best practice is to start talking about it in age-appropriate ways starting at around age 2, so the kid simply incorporates it into their identity from the start. That way, it doesn't feel like a big deal. They'll naturally ask more and deeper questions over time. OP, as long as you feel that your kids really know and understand that they are donor-conceived, and that the previous discussions didn't go over their head (i.e. if you told them bluntly now that you aren't their biological parent, it wouldn't feel like new information), you should be just fine. Make sure you keep an open door for questions.