Donor egg-telling the kids
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
| I have two kids by DE. They are 10 and 13 now and, when they were small, I occasionally brought up using donor eggs in simplistic, age-appropriate ways. They never seemed interested in hearing more and basically acted pretty uninterested in talking about it. It's also not something I think a lot about and I admit that I have been kind of lazy about discussing it. It is not a secret and I want them to know as much as they are interested in knowing, but now it seems like maybe I have screwed up by not bringing it up more often and pushing the information on them. At these ages, I wonder if it is too disconcerting to tell them "hey, you're a donor egg kid" and it might create some sort of weird teenagery angst. I really don't want it to come as some big surprise when they are older and really understand how these things work but I also don't want to create a problem where none exists. How have others handled this with their DE kids? |
Anonymous
| As long as they know, and you are sure they haven't forgotten, I think you wait for them to ask you. If they seem to have forgotten, you might mention it again if they remember you telling them when they were small. |
Anonymous
| If they've forgotten, and it sounds like they have, you should bring it up again. But this time, it's likely a bigger deal. Good luck. |
Anonymous
| Why do they need to know? |
Anonymous
Would you ask that about adopted kids? Kids should know their origin stories - for health history reasons if nothing else. It doesn't change anything about who their parents are. It's OP and OP's partner. |
Anonymous
Because they have a right to know and secrets are toxic. They always come out and can be very painful when they do. The last thing I want is to cause them pain. |
Anonymous
|
So I have younger kids, but on their birthdays we rehash their "birth stories" in a fun way. Every year I go into more depth about what that means. Starting with a 2 year old I talked about how much dad and I wanted her and how the doctor helped us. Then went into more depth yearly. I used the book "Tell me again about the night I was born" by Jamie lee curtis as an inspiration.
At 10 and 13 I would talk about how you tried having kids/had genetic issues and so you used another woman's eggs and DH's sperm (or however it went down). You then carried the babies to term and delivered them. I agree that secrets can be painful. |
Anonymous
| Tell them before they submit their DNA to ancestry.com. |
Anonymous
| I think that there are some resources on this. I think at their ages, I'd be looking for some professional opinions on how to bring it up. I'd expect that the bigger issue will be the questions they might ask now - i.e., how much info do you have on the donor, potential siblings, etc. You'll need to be prepared for a more comprehensive discussion and you may want to look into what those discussions usually look like. Definitely don't wait too long to bring it up again, but taking some time to prepare is a good idea, too. |
Anonymous
And they will find out when they do a 23 and me dna test to research their family tree, and find a half sibling but have no idea who that person is. |
Anonymous
We did that already and didn’t reveal a thing. |
Anonymous
| OP donor egg mom here. 13 is an angst time of life. Wait a bit before revisiting this. |
Anonymous
| I actually think as a teen I would have been a lot more angry to find out that I’m not related to my mom and this had been kept a secret from me. |
Anonymous
+100 OP you really dropped the ball on this. I agree, this is a bad age to find out, but if you wait longer they will probably be angrier. |
Anonymous
Is this OP responding? How could a DNA test not reveal a thing? |