For those with grown kids, what advice would you give?

[Anonymous]

Don't give them too much. Working in the summer at a menial job teaches them how to work hard and the value of a dollar. When I was in college and moaning to my dad about my donut store job, he said that job will teach you that you don't want to be there for the rest of your life.

Tell your kids (especially the college aged ones) that no one has their best interest at heart more than you and your spouse. If you get into trouble, don't think you can handle it alone. Call us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take advice from parents with kids who are happy & successful. They did something right.

I chuckle every time the parents of kids who have dropped out of college, live at home at 30 and have zero ambition/ self worth are quick to give advice.

You can chuckle all you want but those are the people I’d want to hear from—what they would do differently in hindsight.

Except most of the time, those parents don’t think they did anything wrong. It’s just the way their kid is. Or, it’s mom/dads fault with NO explanation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Take advice from parents with kids who are happy & successful. They did something right.

I chuckle every time the parents of kids who have dropped out of college, live at home at 30 and have zero ambition/ self worth are quick to give advice.

I wonder how many of those kids have disabilites that you don't know about or understand but go ahead, pass judgement on the parents.

That is a totally different thing. Stop projecting. I’m talking about the kids who have no ambition and are lazy.

[Anonymous]

Have high expectations. Understand they won't often reach them. Love them fiercely anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m interested to know if in hindsight parents think that intensive sports were worth it. Especially if the kid stopped playing after HS.

My advice: If your kid plays a sport keep a sharp eye out for injuries, situations that will obviously lead to injuries (such as getting up at 3AM to get to practice by 4AM), coaches that are pushing too hard, concussions and so on. Sports starts out as a nice social and exercise thing that turns into a problem in HS. As one PP said very few will play pro or even college and most DCUM readers would go farther with academics than sports.
Teach them to cook and do their own laundry also. That has given us so much more free time together.

[Anonymous]

Give them your unconditional love and tell them you love them as they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My five are grown. No one living in my basement - at least not right now. My only advice is to love and accept the child you have. Not the child you thought you would have. Provide unconditional love and acceptance. Support and encourage their passions. The time goes by faster than you can possibly imagine.

This is my favorite piece of advice and agree with all of it. I have a grown child but I tell people her success isn't really on account of me; she was pretty much born that way and my influence was minimal. However if you want to maintain a good relationship, my additional advice:
* be particularly patient and forgiving in the teen years (I was bad at this)
* walk away when they are mad because they are incapable of hearing you
* as hard as it is to stand back, don't fight their battles for them, let them fail and fix themselves
* in general do more listening and less talking or yelling

[Anonymous]

It is okay to push them academically. We live in a society that is so against parents involvement. They are your kids. Get involved no matter what DCUM says.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not quite there yet, kids 20 and 17, in college. Good students though. I would have thought them to clean the house better. Other than that, I would have hugged them more when young and played with them more and while I think I was always there for them, I wish I did more hugs, love and just overlooked some bad behaviors.

I needed to hear this today. Thank you.

[Anonymous]

4 of my 6 are adults-normal successful people. One teen and one little also.

The adult kids mention that they appreciated the fact that we ate dinner as a family most nights-whenever possible.

They also were glad that we taught them basic household management-things like laundry, basic kitchen function and cleanup, basic car maintenance...you'd be suprised how many kids, even college students, don't know this. My ds had a job at college one year cleaning the common areas of the dorms, including the laundry areas-and he was constantly having to explaing to engineering students, how to use a washing machine!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My five are grown. No one living in my basement - at least not right now. My only advice is to love and accept the child you have. Not the child you thought you would have. Provide unconditional love and acceptance. Support and encourage their passions. The time goes by faster than you can possibly imagine.

I’m going to second this.

Also, listen to your kids....let them express themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It is your kid. All those people who say my kid won't or doesn't does.

They are smoking, they are drinking, they are vaping, they are having sex.

Remember what you were doing at their age and realize things are happening a lot faster these days. Meet the other kids and meet their parents and be friends with them even if you don't like them.

Don't stock the beach house during beach week with bases and cases of beer.

I was NEVER that kid. I never drank, smoked, did drugs, and was barely kissing boys senior year. I still have never done a drug or smoked a cigarette a day in my life. This is something people tell themselves to make them feel better about their kid who IS doing these things.

Do you think you were NEVER that kid due to great parenting? I've also never done drugs or smoked, and I didn't drink until I was 21. But that was just my personality, and had nothing to do with my parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My five are grown. No one living in my basement - at least not right now. My only advice is to love and accept the child you have. Not the child you thought you would have. Provide unconditional love and acceptance. Support and encourage their passions. The time goes by faster than you can possibly imagine.

This is my favorite piece of advice and agree with all of it. I have a grown child but I tell people her success isn't really on account of me; she was pretty much born that way and my influence was minimal. However if you want to maintain a good relationship, my additional advice:
* be particularly patient and forgiving in the teen years (I was bad at this)
* walk away when they are mad because they are incapable of hearing you
* as hard as it is to stand back, don't fight their battles for them, let them fail and fix themselves
* in general do more listening and less talking or yelling

Agree with all of this as a mom of 3 (youngest graduates from HS on Friday!). I would just add that prayer, practicing gratitude, listening to music, and maintaining a good sense of humor have been very helpful to me.

[Anonymous]

^^^ -- and hang with the parents who are real and not into child-rearing as a competitive sport