Parents with teens that have BPD how do you cope ?

[Anonymous]

My relationship with my Parents has always been very strong. My Mother sat me down and talked to me growing up about how my sister needed more attention. This kind of thing wasn’t recognized then, of course. As we got older, my Mom ensured I didn’t lend my sister money or let her take advantage of me. My Mom chose her a lot, thinking she just needed more love and assurance, but when it came down to important things she would see the irrational behavior or flattery directed to manipulate me, and she would make sure to get herself in the middle and stop it. Even when she hadn’t accepted this, part of her knew because she protected me even when she didn’t protect herself.

For a long time I thought my sister was favored. Maybe she was, because she was so clever and charming, but I have always known that my family was doing their best. She used my Mother’s love as a tool to get what she wanted. I do think I’m damaged by my sister in a profound way, but no more so than anyone else is damaged. I don’t feel abused.

My best advice: Don’t make excuses to your other child for the behavior. Listen and reassure them. Make sure they don’t let themselves get sucked in. Ensure they don’t lend their sibling any money. That’s important. Also, don’t lean too much on the other child for support. Don’t make them feel that it’s their job to care for the one with BPD. Allow them to go their own path without guilt.

I know that you love both of your children. It’s a nightmare to be unable to trust one of them.

[Anonymous]

23:45

As the sister of someone who very much fits the behavior of your daughter, I feel that being the Mother is the most difficult....maybe we all see it from the outside and just feel sad for others who deal also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My relationship with my Parents has always been very strong. My Mother sat me down and talked to me growing up about how my sister needed more attention. This kind of thing wasn’t recognized then, of course. As we got older, my Mom ensured I didn’t lend my sister money or let her take advantage of me. My Mom chose her a lot, thinking she just needed more love and assurance, but when it came down to important things she would see the irrational behavior or flattery directed to manipulate me, and she would make sure to get herself in the middle and stop it. Even when she hadn’t accepted this, part of her knew because she protected me even when she didn’t protect herself.

For a long time I thought my sister was favored. Maybe she was, because she was so clever and charming, but I have always known that my family was doing their best. She used my Mother’s love as a tool to get what she wanted. I do think I’m damaged by my sister in a profound way, but no more so than anyone else is damaged. I don’t feel abused.

My best advice: Don’t make excuses to your other child for the behavior. Listen and reassure them. Make sure they don’t let themselves get sucked in. Ensure they don’t lend their sibling any money. That’s important. Also, don’t lean too much on the other child for support. Don’t make them feel that it’s their job to care for the one with BPD. Allow them to go their own path without guilt.

I know that you love both of your children. It’s a nightmare to be unable to trust one of them.

Thank you. This is helpful. I am newly aware not to lean on her or discuss these issues too much. She knows the basics and sees a therapist here or there. I use the mantra “we are not responsible for x’s feelings” all the time. At least recently. For years, I would respond to him very emotionally. Didn’t help anyone.

[Anonymous]

Discussing them is okay.....it’s important to share your own feelings with the people you love and the whole family is affected. Making excuses or using the other child as a crutch is where there can be a problem.

The worst is to dismiss their feelings. Or to ignore them being so wrapped up in the sibling. I think treating children as individuals is good for all people, regardless of anything of this nature. They may not be close as adults, but they don’t really need to be close. It’s better that they’re independent and content. Having a sibling like this doesn’t need to be any more damaging than having any other type of sibling.

[Anonymous]

When did he first show signs of BPD? Was it difficult even when he was a young child?

I’m so sorry, OP. Please keep taking good care of yourself and seek all of the support you can get. Hugs to you.

[Anonymous]

Dialectical behavioral therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When did he first show signs of BPD? Was it difficult even when he was a young child?

I’m so sorry, OP. Please keep taking good care of yourself and seek all of the support you can get. Hugs to you.

Very young. When BPD came into the mix as a possibility it was hard but also a relief to better understand what we’d been dealing with for years and could explain well.

[Anonymous]

Could not explain well

[Anonymous]

My daughter had a friend that I think has this, and I couldn’t bear to tell her Mom that she should be evaluated. She was age 7 at the time and she would say kids were bullying her and say she would have nightmares about it. She would call kisses and basically threaten them and then say they were mean to her. She lied all the time. We had her over and she would just lie about stupid things or try to manipulate my daughters into arguing so she would get all the attention. I did tell her Mother that I did not believe she was being bullied. She’s basically caused bullying by being so mean....she forced it to happen by continually accusing other kids and making them go through that suspicion with the teachers. We were happy when she moved to another state.

[Anonymous]

*call kids