Parents with teens that have BPD how do you cope ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That has been a diagnosis that was considered for my son. I agree that no one understands. It is isolating. I’m sorry. No advice. Right now I seem to be drowning my feelings in chocolate.

Can you tell me about him? Age and symptoms?

Now 17 but this has been going on for awhile. Symptoms. Suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, violence, deep depression, difficulty with concentration, severe anxiety at times to the point of being unable to leave the house. Even on a good day, he’s so hot and cold in terms of interacting with the rest of us, up and down in terms of mood and energy.

It’s better now after intense treatment. But it’s not easy. I spend a lot of time working on controlling my reactions to the things I can’t control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who diagnosed an adolescent with bpd? My understanding is it is only applicable to adults — That is people with mature brains.

Very concerning diagnosis. I’d get a second opinion.

Considering the fact that Borderline DX almost always come from environmental factors (ie bad home life, neglect abuuse, ect), hopefully the whole family is involved and getting help.

BPD can happen in people who do not have a bad home life, neglect or abuse. Please update your research. "Almost always" is a horrible generalization and just not true.

Ok. More often than not.

Your problem is that you’re blaming the family. Yes, BPD can be the result of trauma but not all trauma is caused by the family. That’s what makes your statement so offensive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who diagnosed an adolescent with bpd? My understanding is it is only applicable to adults — That is people with mature brains.

No that was an old approach. Now they do dx younger as treatment the earlier the better. When you have a kid with BPD it’s pretty clear what is relatively normal teenage “ stuff” and what’s been an issue for a long time, and is much more extreme than peers.

If diagnosed as a teen, do they offer any hope that in adulthood the diagnosis could change?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That has been a diagnosis that was considered for my son. I agree that no one understands. It is isolating. I’m sorry. No advice. Right now I seem to be drowning my feelings in chocolate.

Can you tell me about him? Age and symptoms?

Now 17 but this has been going on for awhile. Symptoms. Suicide attempts, suicidal ideation, violence, deep depression, difficulty with concentration, severe anxiety at times to the point of being unable to leave the house. Even on a good day, he’s so hot and cold in terms of interacting with the rest of us, up and down in terms of mood and energy.

It’s better now after intense treatment. But it’s not easy. I spend a lot of time working on controlling my reactions to the things I can’t control.

I understand and I’m sorry you’re going through this. What treatment did you do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a mid-twenties adult daughter with this as a “probable” diagnosis that was given at age 18 after extensive evaluation. We were told that she was a bit young for a “final” diagnosis, but the diagnosis fits. My daughter experienced a traumatic childhood for many years. She was adopted by us at age 8. She had many years of therapy until she was 18 and then chose to stop therapy. I have come to a place in the past 5-6 years of using the SET approach with her in our conversations. Support-Empathy-Truth. This has helped me to maintain the emotional connection which she needs for attachment and stability while also providing the truth that is also needed. She comes up with some internal narratives that do not match reality and these narratives cause her stress. She also burns bridges everywhere she goes due to these narratives she tells herself which are not based on reality. They come from a place of trauma, fear, and then disassociation. So the SET approach works really well for me (you can google that). I also have a specific day of the week that we talk on the phone. This gives her structure and a sense of consistency. We talk and text on other days, but I always reach out on our day. There is an underlying deep fear of abandonment and so I am to be calm, loving, and consistent. I practice mindfulness and I meditate. I also have learned a bit about Mindful self-compassion as a healing modality for the shame that can be part of BPD. So I use many of the phrases in my texts to her. She is very responsive to that language as it is familiar to her from her DBT therapy. I just aim to remind her gently now and again of what she already has learned and what skills she already has.

This is NOT an easy parenting path. Read everything you can. Regular parenting techniques don’t work. Do NOT get on the rollercoaster of reactivity with someone with BPD. I have found I have to be super consistent and reliable and use my SET technique. I also have learned to let go of what I can’t control.... like the number of jobs she has quit or been fired from, the number of friends she has lost etc. I am not going to replace those jobs or those friendships; I am just going to be her MOM and that’s a big enough task most days!

On Mother’s Day, she sent me a text saying “I am glad you became my mom because I became loving because of you.” That has helped me to see that this is worth it.

Also: I am not on social media because it helps me to keep my sanity by not seeing the stuff she posts, much of which is attention-seeking, deliberately vague, and often misleading or untrue. So I keep my peace of mind and serenity by not reading that.

Also: my experience is as the mother of someone with BPD. My strategy works for me because I am NOT the partner, spouse, daughter or sibling of someone with BPD, all of which would be very much harder or impossible. I would never date or marry someone with BPD. Ever. This condition means that there is minimal reciprocity a lot of the time and that would be unacceptable in a marriage or committed partnership or even a close friendship. This only works in my circumstance because I am the mother in this situation, which is what OP asked about, and I have intentionally committed myself to being this child’s mother from the day I adopted her and I am needing to learn how to do that as I go. This is a special needs situation and I am learning how to work with it. It’s not perfect for sure.

Thank you. You’re amazing. She’s very lucky to have you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Who diagnosed an adolescent with bpd? My understanding is it is only applicable to adults — That is people with mature brains.

Very concerning diagnosis. I’d get a second opinion.

Considering the fact that Borderline DX almost always come from environmental factors (ie bad home life, neglect abuuse, ect), hopefully the whole family is involved and getting help.

BPD can happen in people who do not have a bad home life, neglect or abuse. Please update your research. "Almost always" is a horrible generalization and just not true.

Ok. More often than not.

Your problem is that you’re blaming the family. Yes, BPD can be the result of trauma but not all trauma is caused by the family. That’s what makes your statement so offensive.

I completely agree. Not all trauma is caused by the family. To say "almost all' or "more often than not" people with BPD have a bad home life, abuse and neglect really serves as a statement to insulate yourself. Because if YOUR children don't have a bad home life, aren't abused or neglected, they COULDN'T possibly develop something like this.

Even if they don't develop BPD, there are all sorts of psychiatric disorders out them and it is possible that one day you could be the mother of a child with mental illness.

Instead of blaming the family and home life, why don't you offer support to people with BPD and with parents who have kids with BPD? They need the support. What they do need is understanding and a person with up-to-date knowledge of the disorder.

[Anonymous]

PP at 23:45, thank you so much for your thoughtful and compassionate response. I'm not the OP, but I want to let you know that you made a difference in my day, by letting me know that there are others out there who understand the difficulties of this particular parenting path. You rock!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Boundaries are paramount. You need to stay as calm as you can while being very firm. If you haven't done so, take a parenting class that will educate you on DBT (dialectical behavioral therapy). Read everything you can about it.

My adult sister is not diagnosed, but I’m sure she has this and I consider it the medical diagnosis for “total asshole”. It has been a lifelong journey to deal with her and my Parents have paid a very dear emotional price. Since you are not in denial, I agree totally with this quoted post. Read “Walking on Eggshells” and learn how to protect your emotional well-being while continuing to live your child.

I am so sorry that you are going through this with your son.

[Anonymous]

I’d like to add that I don’t believe my Parents did anything to cause her behavior. We were raised in a loving and supportive home.

[Anonymous]

I’m OP and while not perfect, it’s a loving and very supportive home. I was the kind of parent that read may be too many parenting books etc. This is, by far , the hardest and most confusing thing I’ve been through and I’ve been through a lot. I had an alcoholic (likely BPD) father and I’ve been through a terrible rape, and done other awful things. I’m strong though and this had brought me to my knees. It’s eapecially hard as I wanted so badly to have a “normal” family- with its issues, of course, but nothing not like this.

[Anonymous]

Not “done” meant “ gone through”

[Anonymous]

I’m the one with a jerk sister.

I fully believe this just “is” and you need to accept that as something that isn’t on you. You can love someone very deeply and understand that this is what they are without being a bad Parent. You can’t help who is born from you any more than to whom you are born. No family is perfect. Accept your children for what they are, and let go of thinking you can change it. If they want to change, they will need to do that on their own.

[Anonymous]

23:45 - how does your daughter live independently? Have a family member who is most likely Borderline and can’t hold a job, can’t get them to move out. Mother won’t kick her out, afraid they’ll be homeless.

[Anonymous]

I think it takes a lot of work to help them get to the point they can be independent. The mom referenced clearly has invested a ton

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m the one with a jerk sister.

I fully believe this just “is” and you need to accept that as something that isn’t on you. You can love someone very deeply and understand that this is what they are without being a bad Parent. You can’t help who is born from you any more than to whom you are born. No family is perfect. Accept your children for what they are, and let go of thinking you can change it. If they want to change, they will need to do that on their own.

Op here. Thank you. Appreciated. How is your relationship with your parents btw? I have another child and I’m aiming really hard to not make everything about her brother. I take time with her alone even weekends awayeven though I know the s:;t will hit the fan when I’m gone. It hits the fan, anyway, right?!