Ex's gf took my daughter shopping...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like the daughter wasn’t honest with the girlfriend about what she is/isn’t allowed to wear (assuming you’ve had this discussion before). I’d have a stern talk with your daughter about being dishonest about the rules with the girlfriend, and then talk to the girlfriend and express your appreciation for the nice thing she did but that your daughter didn’t tell her the rules. And see if she will take her again for something they like but conforms with the family rules about clothes.

Maybe the rules are different in the father's house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tough age and gets worse around 13 with boobs. It’s ok to just text DH that she’s not allowed to wear clothes like this. DD is telling each adult that the other adult said OK to this. It’s really OK to say no to clothes that you think are too revealing for an 11 year old. My DDs are adults now and look back on that period of time with embarrassment (showing too much).

Oh, FFS. No, it isn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a childless aunt who sometimes dates divorced dads....we are not as good at saying "no" to kids as moms are! Don't have the practice plus we feel awkward about it and think maybe it is not our role. I doubt the gf deliberately went out and bought your daughter inappropriate clothes.

Same poster here. Also - most teen girls today and most of the clothes in stores have me shaking my head. I don't know what is considered appropriate these days so in the gf's shows is probably just let the teen lead the way and decide.

[Anonymous]

*poster above

I meant to say most of the clothes teen girls wear today -
Not teen girls generally

[Anonymous]

Taking my daughter clothes shopping would be akin to slapping my face with a glove. I would challenge her to a duel!

Seriously, no other woman outside of maybe an aunt or grandmother, is taking my twee/teen daughter shopping. How dare she! You are being very nice, OP, but those clothes would need to live at dad’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's lovely that she took her shopping. i would acknowledge that and then say you just wanted to share the family guidelines about clothes. Tell her the guidelines.

Wait - the mother gets to decide the guidelines, and the father has to just go along? That's not how this works.

Many dads would let the mom decide the girl clothing guidelines. He doesn't "have" to go along, but he'd be unlikely to resist her on this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's lovely that she took her shopping. i would acknowledge that and then say you just wanted to share the family guidelines about clothes. Tell her the guidelines.

Wait - the mother gets to decide the guidelines, and the father has to just go along? That's not how this works.

Many dads would let the mom decide the girl clothing guidelines. He doesn't "have" to go along, but he'd be unlikely to resist her on this issue.

Men go along while married. Part of divorce is giving up control. Your kid has 2 houses & 2 parents.

[Anonymous]

When I was a kid my dad was the stricter one and my mom didn’t maintain his rules. Then my dad would get mad at me for e.g. piercing my ears when he had already said no.

It’s a kind thing to your kids to collaborate on rules then show a united front.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's lovely that she took her shopping. i would acknowledge that and then say you just wanted to share the family guidelines about clothes. Tell her the guidelines.

Wait - the mother gets to decide the guidelines, and the father has to just go along? That's not how this works.

Many dads would let the mom decide the girl clothing guidelines. He doesn't "have" to go along, but he'd be unlikely to resist her on this issue.

So your answer to the question is, "No, she doesn't get to decide and dictate her position to him."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my dad was the stricter one and my mom didn’t maintain his rules. Then my dad would get mad at me for e.g. piercing my ears when he had already said no.

It’s a kind thing to your kids to collaborate on rules then show a united front.

Collaborate is different that Mom deciding and Dad being informed what the decision is.

[Anonymous]

I don’t think I’d say anything to the GF. I’d have a long talk with your daughter. Afterward, she can wear those clothes around the house but not in public. Let her know your expectations for how she will dress, but also talk to her to let her know you empathize that it’s hard to split her time between two households with different rules. Lay out your rules for your house and just hope she follows them at her dad’s after you’ve explained the reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my dad was the stricter one and my mom didn’t maintain his rules. Then my dad would get mad at me for e.g. piercing my ears when he had already said no.

It’s a kind thing to your kids to collaborate on rules then show a united front.

Collaborate is different that Mom deciding and Dad being informed what the decision is.

Get your head out of your rear end and read my post again. Then evaluate whether your “retort” added anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why not just explain to your daughter that she needs to be mindful of what she picks out so she can wear it and it’s appropriate? Your daughter knew you wouldn’t approve so this is on her, not the girlfriend. Tell your daughter she can’t wear those things out of the house but don’t make the GF feel bad for buying them.

This. And go over with their DD what clothes guidelines are and if she comes home with stuff you don't approve of they become "home" clothes too.

And good for you for being accepting and allowing her to have a good relationship with the GF. My step mom took me shopping once at that age and my mother flipped out, screamed at me "how dare I" and threw everything in the garbage. And not because anything was inappropriate, just out of sprite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When I was a kid my dad was the stricter one and my mom didn’t maintain his rules. Then my dad would get mad at me for e.g. piercing my ears when he had already said no.

It’s a kind thing to your kids to collaborate on rules then show a united front.

Collaborate is different that Mom deciding and Dad being informed what the decision is.

Get your head out of your rear end and read my post again. Then evaluate whether your “retort” added anything.

It did. More than your post, in fact, given the other "advice" OP has been given.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was that girl once. I felt very happy that she took me out and showed me what looked good on me. Mom wouldn't have approved but that was part of the appeal. Watch out that you don't come down too hard on DD or you'll alienate her. You already broke up her home, so you need to take extra steps to keep her from exiting for good.

DP Why are you blaming the mother? For all you know the dad could have broken up the family OR they both decided. Either way she needs to be the parent. She is not the friend which sounds like the girlfriend wants to be.