Ex's gf took my daughter shopping...

[Anonymous]

You can certainly in still values in your daughters about what you consider appropriate for home, beach, social time, school etc and you can enforce that in your own home but you are getting into dicey territory in trying to enforce that in your ex's home or confiscating items your ex bought.

You could check with your ex to be sure he knows and approves of the items as he might not be aware but if he is and he is fine with them then she keeps them at his house.

It also depends on how much of this is a personal preference for style vs obviously immodest and inappropriate for age. If you only want shirts with 8 inch inseams am he is fine with 4 inch inseams - that is different from shorts where her butt cheeks hang out. Same with a crop top that touches the top of the high waisted shorts (and doesn't show any stomach) vs one that cuts off just under her bra.

[Anonymous]

Why not just explain to your daughter that she needs to be mindful of what she picks out so she can wear it and it’s appropriate? Your daughter knew you wouldn’t approve so this is on her, not the girlfriend. Tell your daughter she can’t wear those things out of the house but don’t make the GF feel bad for buying them.

[Anonymous]

I was that girl once. I felt very happy that she took me out and showed me what looked good on me. Mom wouldn't have approved but that was part of the appeal. Watch out that you don't come down too hard on DD or you'll alienate her. You already broke up her home, so you need to take extra steps to keep her from exiting for good.

[Anonymous]

DD knows the clothes are too revealing.

Does her dad agree?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP good for you for rolling with things. This is one of those things you don't overthink. I assume you have her number? Sent a brief text:

"Hi Deb, it's Kim. Thanks so much for taking Larla shopping; it was generous of you and she really enjoyed it! A few of the items are on the small side or maybe show a bit of skin. OK with you if she exchanges those things? I know she'll want to get lots of wear out of them. FYI, if you're ever unsure if something works for her if if you need to check with me, please reach out anytime. Thanks again." Best, - Kim

No, this is too judgmental and condescending. The gf obviously thought they fit and saw how much skin they showed. If you say anything I would be direct that the daughter failed to share the rules. Acknowledge that the daughter was probably just excited to go shopping, and that you appreciate it, but she is not allowed to wear crop tops or short shorts until she is 15 (or whatever).

You could say nothing,but if you are really not going to allow your daughter to wear it Ithink it’s better for that to come from you than for your daughter to have to tell the gf.

[Anonymous]

You need to talk to your Ex and where he is on dress code rules. If he is not on the same page, your just going to need to tell DD that those clothes won’t be worn when she is with you. If he is, then he needs to tell DD that she did not tell GF the rules and those clothes are going back. Your divorced, it’s Ex’s rules in his house for DD.

[Anonymous]

I would talk to ex. It's not the girlfriends fault. PS your daughter is going to wear those clothes behind your back eventually anyway.

[Anonymous]

Let this go. It’s so not worth it. The person at fault is actually your kid. She knows the rules and took advantage of the girlfriend. Explain to your daughter that the rules applies at both houses

[Anonymous]

OP here. I thank ex husband so much (gf wasnt present) at drop off and mentioned we might want to work on some rules of what is appropriate and what we may wait for till say 16. He is more protective in this arena and we all went through the clothes and he wanted 7 items banned (a few more than I) so that was nice to have his backing. He was very casual about it and said they could return it this weekend and get new stuff. Dd was happy about that bc then option before was just not wear it so getting new stuff was a plus. It was one of those conversations and situations that was way easier than I thought. I just kept a neutral tone and was up best about it. We dont do "dads house" "moms house" rules so every so often we need to have a breakdown like this so everyone can hear the rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thank ex husband so much (gf wasnt present) at drop off and mentioned we might want to work on some rules of what is appropriate and what we may wait for till say 16. He is more protective in this arena and we all went through the clothes and he wanted 7 items banned (a few more than I) so that was nice to have his backing. He was very casual about it and said they could return it this weekend and get new stuff. Dd was happy about that bc then option before was just not wear it so getting new stuff was a plus. It was one of those conversations and situations that was way easier than I thought. I just kept a neutral tone and was up best about it. We dont do "dads house" "moms house" rules so every so often we need to have a breakdown like this so everyone can hear the rules.

Good for you and your ex, OP! And thanks for updating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thank ex husband so much (gf wasnt present) at drop off and mentioned we might want to work on some rules of what is appropriate and what we may wait for till say 16. He is more protective in this arena and we all went through the clothes and he wanted 7 items banned (a few more than I) so that was nice to have his backing. He was very casual about it and said they could return it this weekend and get new stuff. Dd was happy about that bc then option before was just not wear it so getting new stuff was a plus. It was one of those conversations and situations that was way easier than I thought. I just kept a neutral tone and was up best about it. We dont do "dads house" "moms house" rules so every so often we need to have a breakdown like this so everyone can hear the rules.

Good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I thank ex husband so much (gf wasnt present) at drop off and mentioned we might want to work on some rules of what is appropriate and what we may wait for till say 16. He is more protective in this arena and we all went through the clothes and he wanted 7 items banned (a few more than I) so that was nice to have his backing. He was very casual about it and said they could return it this weekend and get new stuff. Dd was happy about that bc then option before was just not wear it so getting new stuff was a plus. It was one of those conversations and situations that was way easier than I thought. I just kept a neutral tone and was up best about it. We dont do "dads house" "moms house" rules so every so often we need to have a breakdown like this so everyone can hear the rules.

You handled this maturely. Good for you.

[Anonymous]

As a childless aunt who sometimes dates divorced dads....we are not as good at saying "no" to kids as moms are! Don't have the practice plus we feel awkward about it and think maybe it is not our role. I doubt the gf deliberately went out and bought your daughter inappropriate clothes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d show my daughter the items she won’t be allowed to wear and tell the 11 yo if she comes home with items similar you are just taking the back so it’s up to her to communicate with the GF what is ok and what is not.

But you seem like a great mom and the choices out there are insane.

It’s hard to find shirts that are not too short and shirts that are not cropped.

What? That's absurd. One parent doesn't get to dictate things for kids where there (I assume) is shared custody. You can tell your daughter she can;t wear those clothes while at your house, I suppose (though that opens up its own can of worms), but if the Ex (you know, the girl's father, a parent with an equal right to set boundaries regarding this type of thing) thinks the clothes are OK, then you have zero control over that.

Stay in your lane, lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's lovely that she took her shopping. i would acknowledge that and then say you just wanted to share the family guidelines about clothes. Tell her the guidelines.

Wait - the mother gets to decide the guidelines, and the father has to just go along? That's not how this works.