Interested in learning about your experience wrt open marriage/relationship

[Anonymous]

I have been in an open relationship and have known quite a few other couples in open relationships. I agree that this is not the place to get information. Most people have a reflexive negative reaction to the idea, as you've seen here, and cannot understand that there are people who can have healthy, secure, open relationships. I second the recommendation for the book More Than Two. There are also websites by and about open relationships, do some googling.

In a nutshell, I will say that you need: (1) very open communication and frequent checking in and (2) regular discussions of rules and boundaries, which will probably be revised as you go along. Everybody does it differently. Some people want to know all about it, meet their spouse's date, whereas others are more comfortable with "don't ask, don't tell." For me, transparency, knowledge, and openness work better There are open couples on Tinder, OkCupid, and apps/websites that are targeted specifically for open people. I used to be on Feeld and SLS. Other apps may be better or more popular now. I actually preferred meeting with other couples, rather than date separately. It depends what you're looking for. I had great sexual and emotional connection with my boyfriend, better than with other men I dated, and including him in my other sexual relationships was more exciting and fulfilling for me than seeing other guys separately.

[Anonymous]

The only couples that I know who have done this successfully don't have children. One couple is still (seemingly) happily together. The other couple split up after the wife became emotionally involved with another woman that she was sleeping with, and decided she would prefer to be in an exclusive relationship with that woman. Her ex-husband was fairly accepting of the situation, and they are still casually friendly.

I'm not sure how it would work with kids and having other partners over to the house. That sounds complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Polyamory is the millennial trial separation. Just a stop on the road to splitting up. I’ve had several (7 or 8) friends try it and none have made it to 5 more years together.

+1 to this. Perhaps this isn’t the place for this question b/c there are too many pearl-clutches on here, but I don’t get it. Especially with kids. I can’t imagine them finding out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:We wanted to push beyond the traditional and decided to not go “open” but instead moved to being with other like minded couples. It took a long time to find a couple we were both interested in but once we did it was a very good experience. Over a ten year period we were with four other couples but then we sort of aged out for a variety of reasons. It was a great experience for us but I know it’s not for everyone. Neither of us wanted an open marriage for a long list of reasons nor did we want to join any groups.

So did you guys 'play' as a couple with other couples or one on one with the couple in separate rooms etc. Very curious about this set up.

Initially it was in separate rooms but we both wondered what was going on in the other room. Eventually we’d be in the same room and sometimes all together but just M/F so I might be with my husband and the other man on the same night. One couple only wanted separate rooms which was fine with us because they were both very good. We stopped about eight years ago and our married sex life continues to be very good. I’m glad we did it but I’m also glad it’s in our past given the risk we were taking with our relationship.

Did you or your husband ever start to get emotionally attached to the other people? If so, how did you deal with it? We’ve been married 17 years and our sex life, while frequent, has become predictable and I do wonder after all of these what it would be like to be with someone new but I have no desire for either an affair or an open marriage. I can’t even imagine starting the conversation with my husband about being with another couple.

I’d like to say no but there were times when both of us had concerns and that is what led to us breaking it off with a couple. I think the concerns were more sexual than emotional.

Was that because the sex was better than with your spouse?

Easy answer is yes as it happened for both of us. But we actually got better ourselves based on the experience but it was one of the reasons we stopped.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Open marriage" means your partner interviews your replacement right in front of you.

Usually this is a better deal for the woman, because all she has to do to get sex is post a profile on Tinder.

Any DH who agrees to open marriage is an idiot.

Totally different strategies though. True, any (non obese) DW can get 100 sex dates per day if she wants. Typical DH can't go for numbers but must instead focus on 1 or 2 steady partners. For most men, this is actually quite easy to arrange. Because most married women are totally bored with her DH and (without even realizing it) quite receptive to the new exciting guy showing overt interest in her. A week or 2 of flirting, talk about her day, progress to arm touches, invite her for coffee, falls right into bed.

Stunningly cynical but accurate.

[Anonymous]

About ten years ago we went on a brief vacation with another couple who we met soon after moving to a new city. We rented a two bedroom condo on the beach and on about the second day my DH and I began to both get an uneasy feeling about the other couple. They were very touchy you might say invading one’s space. On the third day they made it very clear what they were hoping for when the wife, who had had a bit too much to drink basically straddled my husband and started grinding away. They were shocked when we said WTF is going on. We left the next day and we’d see them once in awhile at social events and always wondered who they might have succeeded with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About ten years ago we went on a brief vacation with another couple who we met soon after moving to a new city. We rented a two bedroom condo on the beach and on about the second day my DH and I began to both get an uneasy feeling about the other couple. They were very touchy you might say invading one’s space. On the third day they made it very clear what they were hoping for when the wife, who had had a bit too much to drink basically straddled my husband and started grinding away. They were shocked when we said WTF is going on. We left the next day and we’d see them once in awhile at social events and always wondered who they might have succeeded with.

I’d both hate and love something like this to happen to us. We’d have so much to laugh and talk about.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:About ten years ago we went on a brief vacation with another couple who we met soon after moving to a new city. We rented a two bedroom condo on the beach and on about the second day my DH and I began to both get an uneasy feeling about the other couple. They were very touchy you might say invading one’s space. On the third day they made it very clear what they were hoping for when the wife, who had had a bit too much to drink basically straddled my husband and started grinding away. They were shocked when we said WTF is going on. We left the next day and we’d see them once in awhile at social events and always wondered who they might have succeeded with.

I’d both hate and love something like this to happen to us. We’d have so much to laugh and talk about.

Sounds hot but once you do something like this, you can't take it back and it becomes a slippery path to other things happening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:About ten years ago we went on a brief vacation with another couple who we met soon after moving to a new city. We rented a two bedroom condo on the beach and on about the second day my DH and I began to both get an uneasy feeling about the other couple. They were very touchy you might say invading one’s space. On the third day they made it very clear what they were hoping for when the wife, who had had a bit too much to drink basically straddled my husband and started grinding away. They were shocked when we said WTF is going on. We left the next day and we’d see them once in awhile at social events and always wondered who they might have succeeded with.

We are members of a pretty conservative and traditional country club and about two years ago a wave of divorces took place among the 40 something set. It turned out that swapping was one of the reasons for the break-ups. I guess you never can really know what goes on behind closed doors. Naturally my husband said he couldn’t understand it because none of the women were attractive enough to make swapping worth it.