At what age did you stop reading DS texts, etc?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

Of course you should be having conversations about all those things, all the time. But you don't need the evidence from reading your kid's phone to tell you that. They drink, they try drugs, they go where they shouldn't go, they overstep lines sexually. And it seems like these texts are not ones that your kid specifically wrote, but that you've seen in group chats? I wrestle with this stuff, too, but I keep coming back to wanting to allow my teen privacy, as I had privacy, because privacy and autonomy is critical to a sense of self, and is developing it is part of the work of being a teenager. So I have uncomfortable conversations with my son about porn, consent, drugs, etc. all the time - I find some excuse like an article or a piece on NPR or a book I'm reading, and I'll start a conversation. We are all different, but that seems more palatable to me than reading his texts. He has an expectation of privacy. He also has an expectation that his mom is going to make him talk about girls and sex and drugs, and that I know what kids are doing in general, and that I assume this is the world he lives in.

As an aside, I saw a review of the animated show Big Mouth, which is about puberty. I saw on Common Cause Media that is is RAUNCHY, but also very educational. So we watched some together, and my son loves it and watches it by himself, too. It is indeed super raunchy, and I found it kind of shocking. I assumed that some of the content (sex dolls, circle jerks, every bad word you have ever imagined) was new to my young teen. I told him I was uncomfortable with some of it, and he looked at me pityingly and patted my arm and said "Oh, Mom. There was nothing in that show I hadn't heard before." Private school, straight A, clean cut boy from a well-educated family. If you have a 13-15 year old, I would (hesitatingly) recommend the show - the messaging is great, even if the story lines and their language is, well, super raunchy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

Of course you should be having conversations about all those things, all the time. But you don't need the evidence from reading your kid's phone to tell you that. They drink, they try drugs, they go where they shouldn't go, they overstep lines sexually. And it seems like these texts are not ones that your kid specifically wrote, but that you've seen in group chats? I wrestle with this stuff, too, but I keep coming back to wanting to allow my teen privacy, as I had privacy, because privacy and autonomy is critical to a sense of self, and is developing it is part of the work of being a teenager. So I have uncomfortable conversations with my son about porn, consent, drugs, etc. all the time - I find some excuse like an article or a piece on NPR or a book I'm reading, and I'll start a conversation. We are all different, but that seems more palatable to me than reading his texts. He has an expectation of privacy. He also has an expectation that his mom is going to make him talk about girls and sex and drugs, and that I know what kids are doing in general, and that I assume this is the world he lives in.

As an aside, I saw a review of the animated show Big Mouth, which is about puberty. I saw on Common Cause Media that is is RAUNCHY, but also very educational. So we watched some together, and my son loves it and watches it by himself, too. It is indeed super raunchy, and I found it kind of shocking. I assumed that some of the content (sex dolls, circle jerks, every bad word you have ever imagined) was new to my young teen. I told him I was uncomfortable with some of it, and he looked at me pityingly and patted my arm and said "Oh, Mom. There was nothing in that show I hadn't heard before." Private school, straight A, clean cut boy from a well-educated family. If you have a 13-15 year old, I would (hesitatingly) recommend the show - the messaging is great, even if the story lines and their language is, well, super raunchy.

I agree with you PP, 100%

My mom wasn’t eavesdropping on my conversations or reading all my handwritten notes when I was a kid. I was probably saying the same stuff these kids are saying over text today. Give these poor kids some privacy.

-Mom of a 12 year old who knows I can check her phone at any time but never have.

[Anonymous]

Agree too with previous poster and this exactly how we handle things. This whole try to control everything and prevent them from making mistakes way of parenting drives me crazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree too with previous poster and this exactly how we handle things. This whole try to control everything and prevent them from making mistakes way of parenting drives me crazy.

Yes! My kids can and will make mistakes. I will help them (with love and heavy discipline) through it. I don’t need to see every text, nor am I willing to put my mental health at stake for stupid teenage drama.

[Anonymous]

I teach middle school and my opinion is that you need to check their phones. We have to waste so much time in school dealing with phone issues. I have had female students make pornos of themselves and send it to boys. Then we have to get the police involved. It is out of control. I always tell parents during conferences to check their child's phone. I don't think most of you have any clue what is really going on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was monitoring (very occasionally) till about 15 when I realized she had a whole other system that she was texting/group chatting on. Something I had never heard of. I now think many kids do that. We think we are checking but we are not in the right place.

My kids is only 10, but this is my thought/question too. Sure, the kids give you their login information. But how in the world do you know that it's their only account?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I teach middle school and my opinion is that you need to check their phones. We have to waste so much time in school dealing with phone issues. I have had female students make pornos of themselves and send it to boys. Then we have to get the police involved. It is out of control. I always tell parents during conferences to check their child's phone. I don't think most of you have any clue what is really going on.

So if you check your kid's phone and there are no DIY porn videos on it, do you not talk about how dangerous it is to make and share sexual content? Of course not - you talk about it regardless, in lots of different ways. My teen and I had a discussion the other day about how kids sharing a sext of a classmate can be charged with child porn distribution, which can be a life altering crime. It was pretty eye opening for him. I have no reason to believe he every will share a sext, but we have those conversations. We do the same for drugs, alcohol, suicide, sex in general. I think checking the phone can give you a false sense of security (well, MY kid isn't into that bad stuff) and it also gives you an uneasy window into their social and internal lives that no parent really should have, in order to build healthy autonomy and boundaries. I hear you, teacher, and thank you for what you do - I wish phones could go into lockers and stay there all day long, for your sake and our kids'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

Totally agree with you PP.

I have a 14 YO DS and one of the things that I'm seeing is unbelievably filthy language being used by "nice kid" friends in their texts. When my DS slides into that, he has his phone taken away for 24 hours.

I agree with the poster who said that DS's phone is the equivalent of my work phone. My employer would not approve of me using language like that in person or in texts and I don't approve of DS doing it either.