At what age did you stop reading DS texts, etc?

[Anonymous]

I think these responses are so interesting. My DD is on the younger side, 13, and got a phone this year. Yes, I look through all of it a few times a week and she knows this. I ask her for her phone and she hands it over. I also recognize that things that happen on the internet have a special and new kind of risk, and as parents we have to be careful.

However, I am only looking to monitor the appropriateness of her posts, texts until whenever it is that I am certain that she has the right habits. I am not looking to gain information on her life, as it appears that many people are. That seems like a bridge too far to me, especially for an older teen. The PP who mentioned no expectation of privacy on a work phone got me thinking about it. Would you as a parent ever assert he right to listen in on all phone conversations because you own the phone and the phone line? Would you read a diary? Would you lurk around in person conversations she/he was having? How is reviewing texts different from that? Maybe some of you would. I just think that motivation is not tied to the dangers of the internet, it is just an easy way to "snoop" that parents in previous generations couldn't do, or wouldn't do..

[Anonymous]

We only did for a short time before it became too creepy. We read things we did NOT want to know about his friends. He knew we monitored but said he mostly forgot because he doesn’t do anything illegal on his phone, according to him. And indeed, he was a good user from what we saw. This was when he was 12 almost 13 and just after turning 13. Maybe 6 months tops.

We didn’t do it at all with his younger siblings. We just had safety talks and talks about consequences.

It helps that I’m in cyber forensics and they have an understanding of just what I can find with a simple examination with my software.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Basically never started. He got the talk about how to avoid being arrested and that's it. He's finished med school and never had any problems so it worked out just fine.

So basically he was a teen when the iPhone just came out, probably in college before FB was even an app?

Very helpful.

Okay Grandma - FB is not an app that anyone 25 or younger is using.

[Anonymous]

I was monitoring (very occasionally) till about 15 when I realized she had a whole other system that she was texting/group chatting on. Something I had never heard of. I now think many kids do that. We think we are checking but we are not in the right place.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DS son is 14 and has had a phone for several years (no internet access). I have his password and he knows I check his phone. I also ask him occasionally to open snaps in front of me.

His starting to bristle and now is interested in a girl that he snaps with. I intend to continue for now, but at what age did you stop? I know kids can get into all sorts of trouble for many more years, but I want to respect him privacy, especially with girlfriends. I will continue to be looking over his shoulder in other ways.

Thanks

There is no internet access, yet he is using snapchat? You are either. Poor communicator or are technologically ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, that is what I thought, and what I have told my DS. But it does seem wrong.

Does your DS/DD have a boy/girl friend? How do you handle that?

You tell them to NEVER write anything you wouldn't want the whole world to see. Your parents seeing it is far from the worst thing, and if they can't handle that, they need to be schooled.

+1

I tell my kids that they have the same amount of privacy on their phone as I have on my work phone. That is, none. There is no reasonable expectation of privacy. I own the device, not them. And nothing you post or text or email is really private. So I don't read everything, but I do reserve the right to check at any time.

Right, but it is so different. As a manager I have the right and ability to see EXACTLY down to the number of minuets spent on what website. I can see how many clicks and for how long. I can tell if you've spent your day on Amazon, DCUM, Facebook, or your news sites and where and when you navigated within the site. However I never exercise that right unless someone gives me a very compelling reason to do so. Nor do I threaten my employees with it. Completely different analogy.

I know managers who snoop around and guess what? Their teams are miserable, unproductive and hate their jobs. Huge turn over rates under those conditions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ha, that is what I thought, and what I have told my DS. But it does seem wrong.

Does your DS/DD have a boy/girl friend? How do you handle that?

You tell them to NEVER write anything you wouldn't want the whole world to see. Your parents seeing it is far from the worst thing, and if they can't handle that, they need to be schooled.

+1

I tell my kids that they have the same amount of privacy on their phone as I have on my work phone. That is, none. There is no reasonable expectation of privacy. I own the device, not them. And nothing you post or text or email is really private. So I don't read everything, but I do reserve the right to check at any time.

Right, but it is so different. As a manager I have the right and ability to see EXACTLY down to the number of minuets spent on what website. I can see how many clicks and for how long. I can tell if you've spent your day on Amazon, DCUM, Facebook, or your news sites and where and when you navigated within the site. However I never exercise that right unless someone gives me a very compelling reason to do so. Nor do I threaten my employees with it. Completely different analogy.

I know managers who snoop around and guess what? Their teams are miserable, unproductive and hate their jobs. Huge turn over rates under those conditions.

I’m not trying to turn the post into the appropriateness or inappropriateness of workplace surveillance. But to the extent that you are taking issue with the analogy of parent/child to employer/employee, I agree. An employer gets to know everything happening in a workplace, on work time, or using work equipment because there is a pseudo-contractual and mutually consensual agreement. The parent/child relationship is different, and I don’t think that the right to privacy and autonomy miraculously kicks in at 18, or when someone gets on their own cell plan. Or maybe, “right” is not the best word. Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood.

[Anonymous]

In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

[Anonymous]

It's not the kids phone, it's mine if I sm paying for it. I can look at it and anything on it until they are 18 and I gift it to them. Oh, and no snapchat

[Anonymous]

I think it’s creepy for an older teen and frankly I don’t want to know everything that goes on or is said. I’m a big learn by consequences person not try to control them and know their every action. It’s the correct time for them to differentiate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.



Am I seriously the only one?

For 16 and older feels wrong and you should let them and their friends have some privacy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP. Sounds like me.

But how do you monitor when almost EVERYTHING is done by Snap these days?

I also know my DS tells little lies here and there. Makes me sad, but then I realized I didn't always tell truth either.

But at what point do you dish out some serious discipline for lies? (I am not talking lies that could harm them, such as saying they don't do drugs when they do).

I open snaps esp from friends that I think are a problem

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In reply to "Maybe, a parent is not enabling a person to be a successful adult if that person does not experience privacy until legal adulthood."


I used to think that way. My son is almost 14. He started texting at 12. Here are some of the delights I've seen (not all from him):

"The vape shop near the school will sell to us"
"Can I touch your boobs?" (The girl that received this gave hell back - good for her!)
"Wat up, [n-word]?"
"She's a slut"
"I hope [Kid Y]'s neighbor doesn't tell his mom we were out on the fire escape"

Plus rampant homework sharing that is straight up cheating not collaboration. And curiosity about drugs.

One kid now understands to take it all to Snap.

Almost all of these kids are in fact nice, have involved parents, and are going to do fine in life, but I thank the gods every day that I have a way to know this is going on. Each thing has sparked a conversation. So why should I stop? I tell myself that once we go 6 months of consistent good judgment, I can stop, but we most certainly aren't there yet! Here's hoping that high school brings sense, but that is utterly counterintuitive.

Am I seriously the only one?

The thing is, they could say every single one of these things in person or over the phone. Would you listen at your kid's door or eavesdrop on their phone conversations?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP. Sounds like me.

But how do you monitor when almost EVERYTHING is done by Snap these days?

I also know my DS tells little lies here and there. Makes me sad, but then I realized I didn't always tell truth either.

But at what point do you dish out some serious discipline for lies? (I am not talking lies that could harm them, such as saying they don't do drugs when they do).

Are you people kidding me? Get your kid a flip phone. Snapchat is full of predators and the quickest way to get your kids registered as a sex offender. Be the parent, fools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thanks, PP. Sounds like me.

But how do you monitor when almost EVERYTHING is done by Snap these days?

I also know my DS tells little lies here and there. Makes me sad, but then I realized I didn't always tell truth either.

But at what point do you dish out some serious discipline for lies? (I am not talking lies that could harm them, such as saying they don't do drugs when they do).

I open snaps esp from friends that I think are a problem

Oh PP, you don't really think that you see half the things on there, do you?