Latest on the 13 year old dating scene?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

Tough shit. Those conversations need to happen early and often. And if he can't hear them or talk about them, he shouldn't be doing them.
This is for his own safety as much as for that of his date. And the conversations on the girl side need to happen also (lest I be accused of accusing only the precious boys in this matter).

Sure, go ahead, give your son a preachy lecture about "sexual ethics" that he will tune out. You will feel smug and virtuous, and you can tell all your girlfriends that you are not raising a rapist, and that's really the important thing here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

Tough shit. Those conversations need to happen early and often. And if he can't hear them or talk about them, he shouldn't be doing them.
This is for his own safety as much as for that of his date. And the conversations on the girl side need to happen also (lest I be accused of accusing only the precious boys in this matter).

Sure, go ahead, give your son a preachy lecture about "sexual ethics" that he will tune out. You will feel smug and virtuous, and you can tell all your girlfriends that you are not raising a rapist, and that's really the important thing here.

Seriously, who says this? What possible reason do you have for attacking PP? Let's assume that you are right and that the son or daughter won't hear this. What do you suggest? I can't help but notice that you are willing to cast judgements and aspersions in the comfort of an anonymous forum, yet have the gall to call PP smug. You can't always make a kid learn the lesson they need, but it's an impressive feat of stupidity to say that you shouldn't even try to address a critical point, because they might not listen.

[Anonymous]

Wait, there's a 13 year old dating scene?? Feeling pretty old, and just a little freaked out hearing this. My only comfort is that it seems pretty clear my 6th grader, who hasn't started puberty yet, will be a late bloomer!

But I do already have small "talks" with him about respect, consent etc. Opportunities easily present themselves in response to news, watching tv and movies together etc. We just talked about the BCC incident, for instance. My job as his parent is to guide him, and DH feels strongly about that too. I always tell him it's important to learn the girl's perspective (from me as best I can), and he gets that.

[Anonymous]

Don't just assume that going out alone with an opposite friend means more than friendship. Also don't assume that hanging out with someone of same sex is just a friend. Conversations about relationships and sex need early, and evolve as a kid matures (e.g. many little kids start to learn about appropriate / inappropriate touch). This is for their own protection as well as others'.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

My 13 year old hears that from his mom. Last night we were throwing a ball around and we talked about sexting. I told brought up news stories where boys had been charged with child porn and other offenses for sharing photos girls sent them. We talk about consent, and mutuality. I try to limit it to a couple of minutes of heavy-stuff talk, and I always do it when it naturally comes up (news story, etc) and I try to always have those conversations while we are doing something active or driving. Somehow that helps.

+1 This is an ongoing conversation in our house! Was watching X-Men with my youngest (10) a few weeks ago and stopped the movie to point out how wrong it was for Wolverine to kiss Jean Grey when she explicitly said, "No." My older one has heard it so many times. We are competing with media and porn and a whole host of damaging messages about how boys behave in sexual situations. It is our job as parents to counteract that any way we can, even if it is embarrassing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait, there's a 13 year old dating scene?? Feeling pretty old, and just a little freaked out hearing this. My only comfort is that it seems pretty clear my 6th grader, who hasn't started puberty yet, will be a late bloomer!

But I do already have small "talks" with him about respect, consent etc. Opportunities easily present themselves in response to news, watching tv and movies together etc. We just talked about the BCC incident, for instance. My job as his parent is to guide him, and DH feels strongly about that too. I always tell him it's important to learn the girl's perspective (from me as best I can), and he gets that.

I think your 6th grader must be friends with my 6th grader. lol! They know other kids are up to no good in the stairwell at school, and I overheard them telling each other which places in the building are to be avoided at all costs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, there's a 13 year old dating scene?? Feeling pretty old, and just a little freaked out hearing this. My only comfort is that it seems pretty clear my 6th grader, who hasn't started puberty yet, will be a late bloomer!

I think your 6th grader must be friends with my 6th grader. lol! They know other kids are up to no good in the stairwell at school, and I overheard them telling each other which places in the building are to be avoided at all costs.

Kids move at thier own pace. Plenty of those kids engaging that activity aren't "dating/seeing/with/going steady/whatever word indicates a defined relationship now" with anyone. And conversely, not every kid involved in some form of defined relationship is engaging in behavior that would qualify for public indecency charges. Best you can do is arm your kid with knowledge and consideration to help them make good decisions during a time when they are being pulled in so many directions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wait, there's a 13 year old dating scene?? Feeling pretty old, and just a little freaked out hearing this. My only comfort is that it seems pretty clear my 6th grader, who hasn't started puberty yet, will be a late bloomer!

But I do already have small "talks" with him about respect, consent etc. Opportunities easily present themselves in response to news, watching tv and movies together etc. We just talked about the BCC incident, for instance. My job as his parent is to guide him, and DH feels strongly about that too. I always tell him it's important to learn the girl's perspective (from me as best I can), and he gets that.

I think your 6th grader must be friends with my 6th grader. lol! They know other kids are up to no good in the stairwell at school, and I overheard them telling each other which places in the building are to be avoided at all costs.

This is one of the reasons I hate putting 6th graders in middle school. There’s a huge difference between 6th graders and 8th graders—those are dog years. And I feel like it probably accelerates stuff for the 7th graders to have a year of watching the 8th graders before they hit 7th grade.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mostly they hang out in groups, but occasionally ds13 has gone to movies alone with a girl. They are dropped off and picked up by parents. Mostly they talk a lot on the phone, but occasionally his friend will come to our house to visit.

We just play it by ear. Seeing a movie with a girl is pretty innocuous, so we’re ok with it.

I had my first French kiss at the movies at age 12.

And? Is that something to be afraid of?

DP I thought they sounded like humble bragging.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

Uh.... I have 15 and 16 year olds.... I can assure you that it doesn't take a "one-on-one" date for there to be a make-out session. Teens (even young teens) are perfectly fine with making out when they are in groups. My high school age, they are perfectly fine doing a lot more than making out -- even in a group setting. The key for our family has been keeping the lines of communication open, self-respect, dating "good" kids etc. Even if you think your kids are NOT dating (and btw, a lot are "involved" with members of the opposite sex but NOT dating), you need to have those talks. In fact, better to have them BEFORE they are involved so it doesn't look like you are calling out their "special friend"- but rather giving general parental guidelines.

Well said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Mostly they hang out in groups, but occasionally ds13 has gone to movies alone with a girl. They are dropped off and picked up by parents. Mostly they talk a lot on the phone, but occasionally his friend will come to our house to visit.

We just play it by ear. Seeing a movie with a girl is pretty innocuous, so we’re ok with it.

I had my first French kiss at the movies at age 12.

And? Is that something to be afraid of?

DP I thought they sounded like humble bragging.

I guess it just goes to show that you really can't read tone on the internet. I took it as just a matter of fact statement. PP had a kiss at the movies at 12. I don't feel need to buy some pearls to clutch because of that, nor do I think anyone would really brag about their dating exploits as a 12 year old (who is impressed by that?). I do think it is a helpful anecdote about what might be happening on a 13 year olds date.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

Tough shit. Those conversations need to happen early and often. And if he can't hear them or talk about them, he shouldn't be doing them.
This is for his own safety as much as for that of his date. And the conversations on the girl side need to happen also (lest I be accused of accusing only the precious boys in this matter).

Sure, go ahead, give your son a preachy lecture about "sexual ethics" that he will tune out. You will feel smug and virtuous, and you can tell all your girlfriends that you are not raising a rapist, and that's really the important thing here.

Smug and virtuous? No. Carrying out my responsibilities to teach safe behavior and being responsible when it comes to sex and relationships? Yes. It's not "sexual ethics" because most kids will have sex. And I'd rather they do so safely. That's not "preaching" it's having discussions. But, you do you and see how that works out for you.

And, hey asshole (the only asshole here is you), I don't have a boy. So, wrong assumption.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

My 13 year old hears that from his mom. Last night we were throwing a ball around and we talked about sexting. I told brought up news stories where boys had been charged with child porn and other offenses for sharing photos girls sent them. We talk about consent, and mutuality. I try to limit it to a couple of minutes of heavy-stuff talk, and I always do it when it naturally comes up (news story, etc) and I try to always have those conversations while we are doing something active or driving. Somehow that helps.

See, this is a good parent right there.
I'm a little more direct and make my DS squirm a little, but I'll try to follow your example, OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is a range of answers to this question. My 15 year old didn't go a "real date" until summer after 9th grade. But, I would have permitted it summer leading up to 9th grade for sure. Movie dates may well be for making out. So be sure you have some key conversations before you OK the one-on-one movie date. I also have a 13 y/old 7th grader in a co-ed private school. One "couple" in the grade is vacationing together this Spring Break and is regularly tickling each other at school. So, there is no one answer. My advice, is to slow it down as much as possible and encourage group activities without causing a huge conflict.

Simultaneously, you need to have serious talks about making out, not pushing girls past their comfort zones, kissing and telling, sexting. Cover a range of topics related to sexual ethics. You want to start these conversations early and have them often.

The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

Not to mention, parents you need to have the same talk with your daughters who are in this day and age as or more aggressive than boys sexually. Know you don't want to believe it but you're kidding yourself if you don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The average 13yo boy would rather be set on fire than hear any of that shit from his mom.

My 13 year old hears that from his mom. Last night we were throwing a ball around and we talked about sexting. I told brought up news stories where boys had been charged with child porn and other offenses for sharing photos girls sent them. We talk about consent, and mutuality. I try to limit it to a couple of minutes of heavy-stuff talk, and I always do it when it naturally comes up (news story, etc) and I try to always have those conversations while we are doing something active or driving. Somehow that helps.

Then Mom did something wrong for the first 13 years!! I talk to my kids and even nieces/nephews about "uncomfortable" topics-- I think most of the time, I am the most uncomfortable one because I was not raised like that but I always kept the lines of communication open with my kids/nieces/nephews (yes- their parents know). But -yes, better to have the convos happen naturally and preferably if they bring something up.....

Yes, yes, I knew we'd get a lot of bullshit stories from moms who claim they have Frank and Open Discussions About Sexuality With Their Teenage Sons. Gimme a break.

Pro-tip: if you want your story to be remotely credible, stop pretending that subjects like child porn "naturally" come up in conversation. Sheesh.

PP said that she raised it after news stories or that type of thing. So, not really "naturally" in conversation, but not that difficult for PP to steer the conversation there either.

It came up recently when a bunch of teens in this area were charged and it was in the news a lot, for example. So you haven’t told your kids they could be charged if they share photos? Pro-tip:other people are discussing this with their teens and you should too.

+1 I brought that exact story up to my DS. I also explained the impact of having to register as a sex offender for the rest of your life. I'm not sure why people think it's unnatural for moms and boys to have discussions on these topics.