How normal is abusive behavior

[Anonymous]

My boyfriend in college spot in my face when I broke up with him after 3 years. He also would lock the doors of his car when we were arguing in the car. I wouldn’t surprised if he would have escalated. I’ve been with DH for 15 years no signs of aggression at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. Literally never.

Sorry, I was in a rush before. DH and I agreed early on that we'd never call each other names or curse words. Once, he yelled "are you f-ing kidding me?!" at me. He never did anything that made me scared of him. He's never done anything that has made me wonder "Is this abuse?"

When he's angry he goes quiet. When I'm angry, I want to yell, so I go for a walk to avoid yelling.

This is a little .... repressed. Going ‘quiet’ when you are angry doesn’t seem like a healthy response, nor does going for a walk to not express yourself.
This post is about abuse, not about a fear of expressing your feelings in a reasonable manner. Abuse is unacceptable. Anger is a legitimate emotion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was married 25 years and then got divorced. Never once did either of us speak abusively to each other or lose our temper in anger. He did act stupid once when he was drunk and raised his voice, but even then he didn't say anything abusive to me, and it only happened once in 25 years.

And then you parted ways ... why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I was married 25 years and then got divorced. Never once did either of us speak abusively to each other or lose our temper in anger. He did act stupid once when he was drunk and raised his voice, but even then he didn't say anything abusive to me, and it only happened once in 25 years.

And then you parted ways ... why?

Kids were grown, grew in different directions, sex life disappeared, wanted different things out of life.

[Anonymous]

I remember seeing a survey where about 30% of men and 30% of women said they had acted abusively in a relationship - ranging from emotionally abusive / controlling to physically abusive. It was pretty even between men and women although the type of abuse perpetrated was different. It was also similar numbers of men and women who said they had been victims of abuse in a relationship.

With those numbers, I would say it is more common than people admit to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I remember seeing a survey where about 30% of men and 30% of women said they had acted abusively in a relationship - ranging from emotionally abusive / controlling to physically abusive. It was pretty even between men and women although the type of abuse perpetrated was different. It was also similar numbers of men and women who said they had been victims of abuse in a relationship.

With those numbers, I would say it is more common than people admit to.

I was at my local gym and was exercising when this man also wanted exercise in the same area. I apparently didn’t get out of his way soon enough ( ) and so he jabbed his fingers into my back. In two seconds time. Can you imagine how this man behaves behind closed doors if this is how he acts towards strangers in public? His wife must be horribly horribly abused.

I called the cops on him. The gym escorted them right over to him.

Disgusting man.

[Anonymous]

Not in a normal relationship for me. But they happen far more than you think and far more than anyone wants to acknowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember seeing a survey where about 30% of men and 30% of women said they had acted abusively in a relationship - ranging from emotionally abusive / controlling to physically abusive. It was pretty even between men and women although the type of abuse perpetrated was different. It was also similar numbers of men and women who said they had been victims of abuse in a relationship.

With those numbers, I would say it is more common than people admit to.

I was at my local gym and was exercising when this man also wanted exercise in the same area. I apparently didn’t get out of his way soon enough ( ) and so he jabbed his fingers into my back. In two seconds time. Can you imagine how this man behaves behind closed doors if this is how he acts towards strangers in public? His wife must be horribly horribly abused.

I called the cops on him. The gym escorted them right over to him.

Disgusting man.

I think you overreacted by calling the police on this.

[Anonymous]

Common does not mean it’s normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I remember seeing a survey where about 30% of men and 30% of women said they had acted abusively in a relationship - ranging from emotionally abusive / controlling to physically abusive. It was pretty even between men and women although the type of abuse perpetrated was different. It was also similar numbers of men and women who said they had been victims of abuse in a relationship.

With those numbers, I would say it is more common than people admit to.

I was at my local gym and was exercising when this man also wanted exercise in the same area. I apparently didn’t get out of his way soon enough ( ) and so he jabbed his fingers into my back. In two seconds time. Can you imagine how this man behaves behind closed doors if this is how he acts towards strangers in public? His wife must be horribly horribly abused.

I called the cops on him. The gym escorted them right over to him.

Disgusting man.

I think you overreacted by calling the police on this.

Technically putting your hands on someone is battery, and she may have done this guy a favor. If someone doesn't call out this stuff, these folks get worse and worse and can end up in serious trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

It was still verbally abusive. Why call it something else?

Because it was a bad moment. It wasn't a pattern. It wasn't habitual. What it was was an inappropriately strong reaction.

It was a word. Not a pattern, not a slap, not months of gaslighting; it was a WORD.

It was abusive behavior. It's not that complicated. Are you in an abusive relationship, no. But his behavior was abusive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between “abuse” and “being cruel/crude/whatever.” Abuse indicates a pattern of controlling behavior. People can say mean things without rising to the level of “being abusive.”

Unless we are classifying every time one partner loses their temper, raises their voice or uses profanity as being abusers which I think minimizes more egregious behavior.

+1. My husband called me a "bitch" once in nearly 8 years of marriage. He is usually very kind, calm, considerate, patient and measured. I'm not going to look at that one moment in 10+ years of being together as "abusive." He was in a sleep-deprived, baby-and-a-toddler state, and I'm not going to pretend like he's was "abusive" in that moment.

Was that OK? No. Were there extenuating circumstances? Yes.

It was still verbally abusive. Why call it something else?

OK, so if your usually-good-as-gold 18-year-old high school senior called someone a "bitch" at school during a verbal argument, he should be expelled? After all, abusive people shouldn't be allowed in a school environment.

No they should cut out his tongue. WTF do you have to go to the extreme to try to prove a point it just makes you sound ignorant.

Yes, it is abusive and it should be corrected in some way with some sort of punishment. Maybe an apology and some anger management discussion with the teacher.

We should not just say... hey that is not abusive because we don't want to expel him. It was abusive and let's correct it.

BTW, at my kids school there would be punishment for calling somebody a "bitch" also 1 love foundation talks to kids every year to discuss abusive relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Common and normal do not mean the same thing. Abuse is common but it is not normal.

This. One in three women in the country have suffered some sort of physical domestic violence.

[Anonymous]

Common but not normal. I've never experienced any kind of abuse in my past or current relationships.

[Anonymous]

I definitely think it’s common and I don’t think people realize it’s abuse.

I think, they think it’s anger problems. Anger problems that can be managed and changed. And in some cases they can be, but for most people, they need to be in treatment they don’t just grow up and grow out of it.

Smacking your kid with a spoon didn’t used to be considered child abuse. I’m happy to see the progression but I think people hid how often “milder” abuse happens bc they didn’t realize it was abuse until now. If that makes sense.