Frugal hoarder relatives constantly pushing used items

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

the downside to just taking it and dumping it.

you will continue to be given more and more stuff. which in an of its self is draining. which means it will only reinforce your aunts behavior. which means you'll continue to be given more and more stuff. you won't be stopping the circle of hell, only increasing the size of the circle.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

the downside to just taking it and dumping it.

you will continue to be given more and more stuff. which in an of its self is draining. which means it will only reinforce your aunts behavior. which means you'll continue to be given more and more stuff. you won't be stopping the circle of hell, only increasing the size of the circle.

Nope. These hoarder people don't change whether or not you trash their stuff. Just be kind and let it go.

[Anonymous]

There's nothing you can do to help her overcome hoarding. She needs professional help. So the question is, "What approach works best for you as far as dealing with her stuff?"

If she offers you stuff, tell her you don't have room and will throw out anything she gives your family. "Goodwill won't accept it. If you sneak it into the car somehow, I will throw it out when we get home."

She sneaks, then asks, "How did you like it?"

You, "I threw it out, just as I said I would."

Her: Wailing and keening.

You: "I told you that's what I'd do. I did it. Would you like to talk about something else, or should I hang up/go for a walk? I'm done talking about this."

[Anonymous]

Yeah this is hard OP. I think I'd be vague about where it is. "Hmm I don't know where X item is" since really THAT'S TRUE! You threw it out and who knows where in the world that garbage dump is.

But I think the only way to really limit the impact on you is to limit contact. So either you accept that having a relationship with her comes hand in hand with having a relationship with her junk OVER AND OVER AGAIN. Or you take big steps back. The relationship may be worth the very real down sides of dealing with this stuff. Or it may not be. But only you can really decide.

What does your parent who is related to her think or say about all this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing you can do to help her overcome hoarding. She needs professional help. So the question is, "What approach works best for you as far as dealing with her stuff?"

If she offers you stuff, tell her you don't have room and will throw out anything she gives your family. "Goodwill won't accept it. If you sneak it into the car somehow, I will throw it out when we get home."

She sneaks, then asks, "How did you like it?"

You, "I threw it out, just as I said I would."

Her: Wailing and keening.

You: "I told you that's what I'd do. I did it. Would you like to talk about something else, or should I hang up/go for a walk? I'm done talking about this."

I agree with all of this.

I think that since you sound like a nice person who loves her, you have one more very explicit conversation about this with her.

1) You will accept 1 birthday gift and 1 holiday gift per child per year. Anything beyond that is either getting dumped or donated, immediately.
2) If she sneaks items into your children's backpacks and tells them not to tell you, she no longer has access to your children, period. Anyone who encourages a child to lie to their parents is untrustworthy.
3) You will not store things for her or help her to donate things. You need to remove yourself from this situation entirely.

She will be upset about this, but that doesn't change the reality that the above is the right approach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So my aunt is crazy frugal yet not a minimalist. She hoards and is constantly acquiring stuff at garage sales or when someone posts something free on next door. She is being forced to downsize because she basically built her storage on someone else's property. We have been clear that we are happy to help her take things to goodwill or dispose of items to another charity. I have told her multiple times that we do not want any of these things, I have said that we do not need anything. I have said that we are reducing our own clutter. I have told her that our kids are picky about their things and neither need or want anything. Many. Many. Times.

Last trip home from a family gathering, kids come home with broken appliances and box of broken electronics. Previously she had snuck old stuffed animals into their bags and told them not to tell their parents about them. The kids don't want these so once we are in the car they tell us. I have told her to stop doing this and basically I will need to start searching the car before we leave anywhere she is attending.

The latest is quite funny. She sends a text that she is still working on getting rid of things and found a bunch of bras and lounge wear outfits that are in great shape that she wants to give my daughter. It clearly occurs to her at some point while writing this that my DD is too skinny and would have no interest in these things so she adds that DD could bring them all to school and hand them out to her friends. Suffice to say that my teenage daughter was not interested in doing this.

This is followed in quick succession by more texts with pictures of ugly shoes that goes on and on about being so adorable and super expensive when she bought them. One pair has a price tag sticker in view for $17.99. I respond no thank you politely but I know that this will not be the end of this.

So my question is whether anyone had a good polite response to turning down junk. I'd like to have several canned responses ready for the next 10 times. Or better if you have a relative like this did you ever get them to stop trying to send junk to your house?

Research Hoarding and OCD. It's an OCD like mental illness. Same way people have to count things, do rituals. Hoarders have to collect things and can't part with them. You wouldn't tell an OCD to stop their rituals cause they're not capable without treatment so don't expect her to change just because you have great intentions. Coming from a daughter of a hoarder

[Anonymous]

I would tell her that it's going in the garbage. Then do it.

[Anonymous]

I would say "I don't have room for that, but I can take it to Goodwill for you."

If you find anything in your kids stuff, throw it in a dumpster on the way home. Anytime she asks about things she snuck into your car or kid's things, just say: "We took it to Goodwill, I'm sure someone is getting a lot of use out of it." Then you let any whining roll of your back. Change the subject. Once this happens enough times she'll stop giving you stuff. She will continue to hoard useless crap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - here. I think I'll take the advice to just keep saying no thank you or to add that we will take it to Goodwill.

I can't take it and then send it to Goodwill without lots of drama following.

She has a big aversion to throwing anything out or giving it to Goodwill. She doesn't want anyone that she doesn't know to "score a deal" off her. She is difficult about giving to charity because she always to over value things significantly to feel that she isn't a taking a complete loss.

If I accept something , she will ask about where it is often and view it as a big favor so basically any crazy thing that she wants gets embedded with and I gave XYZ that was so lovely. If I slip and say that we donated it she will get upset and go on and on how other relatives would have wanted it (completely untrue of course). She's in her late 50s not elderly so this isn't about needing to help an elderly relative who will be passing soon.

She's just really, really strange. Its almost like obsessive opportunism. She doesn't hoard animals or trash and she seems to want to give things to relatives so its not as if she can't part with the junk. I think she is fueled more by getting a great deal and attaching strings to her junk give away gifts.

Then tell her no. Just no. If she pushes, be direct and say that you will either throw the object away or donate. Be clear and direct. If she pushed further, tell her that while she may think she is being generous, her constant offers are a burden to you. Do not back away from this. If she sneaks something home with the kids, tell her that you threw it out.

[Anonymous]

OP has stated that her relative can't handle it if she gets rid of or donates the stuff, so the only option OP has is to keep on refusing the stuff.

You could even create a "standard text" and send her the exact same wording each time she asks if you want something. And everything she "sneaks" in with the kids, let her know you will donate immediately. Keep a box or.bag in the car and have everything loaded into that bag on the way out the car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There's nothing you can do to help her overcome hoarding. She needs professional help. So the question is, "What approach works best for you as far as dealing with her stuff?"

If she offers you stuff, tell her you don't have room and will throw out anything she gives your family. "Goodwill won't accept it. If you sneak it into the car somehow, I will throw it out when we get home."

She sneaks, then asks, "How did you like it?"

You, "I threw it out, just as I said I would."

Her: Wailing and keening.

You: "I told you that's what I'd do. I did it. Would you like to talk about something else, or should I hang up/go for a walk? I'm done talking about this."

I agree with all of this.

I think that since you sound like a nice person who loves her, you have one more very explicit conversation about this with her.

1) You will accept 1 birthday gift and 1 holiday gift per child per year. Anything beyond that is either getting dumped or donated, immediately.
2) If she sneaks items into your children's backpacks and tells them not to tell you, she no longer has access to your children, period. Anyone who encourages a child to lie to their parents is untrustworthy.
3) You will not help her to donate things. You need to remove yourself from this situation entirely.

She will be upset about this, but that doesn't change the reality that the above is the right approach.

What's wrong with helping her donate things?

It doesn't seem like she wants to donate her stuff, but why would it be bad if OP were to make a couple trips to Goodwill to help her out?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP has stated that her relative can't handle it if she gets rid of or donates the stuff, so the only option OP has is to keep on refusing the stuff.

But the relative can't handle that, either. Hence the sneaking things into the kids' bags.

[Anonymous]

Say “No”
Then
“I’m going to throw this in the trash”
Repeat.

It’s ridiculous to enable this out of control behavior. Tell her you’ll toss anything she gives/sneaks

[Anonymous]

"If it comes to my house it's garbage."

[Anonymous]

I would say that receiving these items is stressful and that giving them to my children, who don't dare refuse them, is abusive. I would tell her that she should NEVER give anything to my children again, or to my husband or myself. And that she should really seek therapy for her hoarding behavior.

I have a borderline hoarding husband, so I've been through a little of that...