Frugal hoarder relatives constantly pushing used items

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy whose mom was like this. One day she showed up to visit us with the following items in her trunk: Two parts of a mixer, an autumnal themed table runner (we were broke med students with no dining room) and a spice rack circa 1979. My boyfriend and I had a "come to Jesus" convo that day.

[Anonymous]

I have a relative like this and personally, I’ve just decided it’s not worth a rift. I thank profusely and add it to the Goodwill box I keep in the basement. Not worth any more emotional energy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

X1000

Glad I am not alone in this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

+1,000!!!

[Anonymous]

Saying no politely doesn't work so I would just say : I'm sorry if I'm hurting your feelings but we do NOT want any of this stuff so please stop giving us things we won't use.

Be clear once and for all or it'll go on for years ...

[Anonymous]

My mom was a little like this and it was rooted in wanting to help other people, but she wanted to know the end person she was helping. It was the same mentality of no one else scoring on her deal. She donated a lot, but things of certain value, she wanted to know the end user to make sure it was properly appreciated. My aunts are like this too and have actually taken back things they'd given away to give to a more appreciative donor.

From my experience, it's best to just say you don't have room or don't want it. If you take it and donate it you're setting yourself up for issues later (like if she decides to regift it). I'd say no and if you want to help her unload it, find specific charities that would really appreciate whatever she has. For example some kids' camps might like broken electronics for kids to take apart and learn about how things are put together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

This is most likely the easiest thing, even though you will feel like you are contributing by giving her "positive feedback". Keep a bin in your car for each visit. Bring it inside and tell auntie to put anything inside that she wants to give away. Then put it all in a trash bag when you get home and be gone with it. If you have more energy, sort through what could be donated (shoes with tags on) but if you don't have the energy, then just toss it all.

Tell your kids to put anything auntie gives them in the bin too.

[Anonymous]

Isn't it just easier to take it and trash it yourself? She can't trash it because she has a mental issue.

[Anonymous]

It’s so beautiful but I really don’t have room for it. Someone else will appreciate it more. If she insists just donate. You can’t get into someone else’s mental illness!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP - here. I think I'll take the advice to just keep saying no thank you or to add that we will take it to Goodwill.

I can't take it and then send it to Goodwill without lots of drama following.

She has a big aversion to throwing anything out or giving it to Goodwill. She doesn't want anyone that she doesn't know to "score a deal" off her. She is difficult about giving to charity because she always to over value things significantly to feel that she isn't a taking a complete loss.

If I accept something , she will ask about where it is often and view it as a big favor so basically any crazy thing that she wants gets embedded with and I gave XYZ that was so lovely. If I slip and say that we donated it she will get upset and go on and on how other relatives would have wanted it (completely untrue of course). She's in her late 50s not elderly so this isn't about needing to help an elderly relative who will be passing soon.

She's just really, really strange. Its almost like obsessive opportunism. She doesn't hoard animals or trash and she seems to want to give things to relatives so its not as if she can't part with the junk. I think she is fueled more by getting a great deal and attaching strings to her junk give away gifts.

Read up on hoarding--this is pretty classic behavior, including the asking about items she gave others, because of the severe attachment to things. I recommend, "Stuff: Compulsive Hoarding and the Meaning of Things."

If you are ever going to convince her to give things to charity or anything else, you'll need to do it through the lens of her own distorted thinking, not logic as it seems to you. And that's very, very hard. You might find that it's not worth the personal emotional cost to dive that deep into her way of thinking--it may be better to simply say no and even to limit visits to her house with the kids rather than be involved in the situation.

What's the long term outcome here? You say she has storage on someone else's property...is there a deadline? Is there anything of actual financial or emotional value to salvage? Because it seems unlikely she will complete the task on her own--and there are companies that specialize in hoarding clean-ups. Realistically, if she's legally required to get her stuff out of a place she doesn't own, that's where this is headed--and she may face paying thousands for it (or else the property owner will).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

X1000

Glad I am not alone in this.

Absolutely. Take everything she offers you. Donate it if it's usable, toss it if it's not. It's not worth arguing over, and she's not going to change. You are helping her get rid of stuff that she cannot bring herself to throw away.

[Anonymous]

I would tell her once that you are choosing minimalism and will donate whatever she gives you. If she asks about something she gave you you can say you donated it. If she gets upset, point out that is what you told her you would do and it is what you will continue to do with whatever she gives you or your children. Say it is not personal to her, you just do not want more stuff of any kind. If she tries to argue, you can say it is absolutely her choice not to give you any more stuff. Do not engage beyond this.

[Anonymous]

Next Christmas, get her a session with a personal organizer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would tell her once that you are choosing minimalism and will donate whatever she gives you. If she asks about something she gave you you can say you donated it. If she gets upset, point out that is what you told her you would do and it is what you will continue to do with whatever she gives you or your children. Say it is not personal to her, you just do not want more stuff of any kind. If she tries to argue, you can say it is absolutely her choice not to give you any more stuff. Do not engage beyond this.

I'd do this. And I would also be inclined to stop responding to her texts with pictures of her junk. I just wouldn't have time for that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My MIL is like this. Take it and dump it. She will not listen to reason and she cannot make herself throw it away.

X1000

Glad I am not alone in this.

Absolutely. Take everything she offers you. Donate it if it's usable, toss it if it's not. It's not worth arguing over, and she's not going to change. You are helping her get rid of stuff that she cannot bring herself to throw away.

+1

PP here. It is an illness of some sort, not sure what, OP. But it certainly is annoying and time consuming, I am with you! In my MIL's case, she is just not that bright or resourceful, so she doesn't know what to do with all her old extra battered stuff that no one wants. That, compounded with control issues, narcissism and petulance. Good times! I told DH to donate it on the way home, because I can't have the dust and mites in my house due to severe allergies (not just me, the kids, in case MIL cares, which she doesn't - only herself matters). Would your DH be on board with that? You can't spend your time trying to change a person like this, they are proud to be clueless.