How did having a second child change your marriage?

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 20 months apart and the first year was very, very difficult for me. We have a strong marriage (I never thought about divorce) and DH is a rock star dad, and it was still very difficult. It didn’t help that my sex drive is basically non-existent while breastfeeding, so we rarely had sex during that time. I was just exhausted all the time, DC2 didn’t STTN until 11 months, and I always felt like I was failing in all the pieces of my life- at work, as a wife, as a mother.

DH and I fought more that year than we ever did before, and over petty things like emptying the dishwasher, etc. we also don’t have family help or disposable income to spend on cleaners, which I think would have helped.

Once the youngest was STTN and my sex drive came back, things began to get better, and they keep getting better. But that first year was tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We’re just a few months into having two, kids are 21 months apart, and we’re like passing ships in the night. Both kids are awful sleepers, toddler is very high energy, I just went back to work and we are miserable and exhausted. I cry almost daily.

This was me. I’ll be honest, at 1,5 and 3 they’re still not great sleepers. And the constant grind of parenting and work is really draining. BUT, I’d still say it’s better than it was at first, and DH and I are in a better, if still not perfect, place. Partly I think it’s just that we’ve gotten used to it. This is our life for now. It won’t be forever.

Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

DS is 4 and has just started commenting that his friends at school have siblings. I feel complete
as a family and enjoy the fact that my spouse and I can take turns/give each other breaks with just one,
but recently I’ve been having second thoughts (in part due to my son’s comments). I do worry about how a second child would affect our marriage.
We share the lod pretty well but I do sometimes feel like we’re almost dropping the ball — would a second child be too much?

[Anonymous]

I am jealous (ok, kind of hate) people who say it hasn't affected their marriage at all and everything is just peaches.

That is not the case for us. We were in a pretty good place after 1 kid, but 2 kids has really strained us and there are days I find myself wondering if we are going to make it.

Our experience with our first was so wonderful I was a little blindsided by how hard this would be - and my youngest is a great baby! Not a good sleeper though, so maybe that has to do with it.

I also work full-time out of the home, as does DH. I think the dynamics are different if one person can stay home and enjoys it.

[Anonymous]

Our second baby was seriously beautiful and so, so easy. His beauty and charm brought us together. We were, and still are, completely smitten with him. He was just perfect and easy and gave us a reason to be happy every day.

Our first son was difficult. We love him of course. Baby number two was just… Easy and wonderful. Our boys are 18 months apart also.

So there ya go.

[Anonymous]

I have two kids, one 3 and one still a baby (30 month gap). My baby is a breeze, but the older one is a challenging kid. With our first, who took longer to sleep through the night, the main challenge was dealing with crankiness in the middle of the night. With the second, I am not sure if there is one single factor, but it is much harder. Maybe pelvic floor pain has made sex less fun, so we are both just less connected with each other. Maybe I got a bit more of the baby blues after I went back to work? And the 3 year old is just. so. much. So it's hard to get a break from the kids, because it's hard to have both kids with one parent for too much time. And then it's hard to take care of each other, after spending the day taking care of the kids. We still love each other, so I think we'll get through this, but it is very hard for me.

[Anonymous]

Our marriage almost didn’t make it and DH is a hands on dad. Sleep deprivation and no sex drive and total exhaustion. My kids were exactly 2 years apart. Things got better when they were 2 and 4. We eventually had a third. We have a big gap between older kids and baby and I now stay home.

DH has a demanding job and those early years when I was also working were tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DS is 4 and has just started commenting that his friends at school have siblings. I feel complete
as a family and enjoy the fact that my spouse and I can take turns/give each other breaks with just one,
but recently I’ve been having second thoughts (in part due to my son’s comments). I do worry about how a second child would affect our marriage.
We share the lod pretty well but I do sometimes feel like we’re almost dropping the ball — would a second child be too much?

Just realize that by the time you get pregnant and have a baby, your child will be in kindergarten--two very different phases at once. If you're happy with one, stick with one.

[Anonymous]

It began to feel more like a life sentence. So much that we added a #3 later. Since we're staying together no matter what now, why not.

[Anonymous]

Baby 2 had colic, so the first couple months were pretty terrible. We did have family stay with us for a while, which was a life-saver. But after the colic resolved everything improved markedly. Much less stress then when all the eggs were in one basket, and hyper-social Child 1 had someone to play with besides us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two kids, one 3 and one still a baby (30 month gap). My baby is a breeze, but the older one is a challenging kid. With our first, who took longer to sleep through the night, the main challenge was dealing with crankiness in the middle of the night. With the second, I am not sure if there is one single factor, but it is much harder. Maybe pelvic floor pain has made sex less fun, so we are both just less connected with each other. Maybe I got a bit more of the baby blues after I went back to work? And the 3 year old is just. so. much. So it's hard to get a break from the kids, because it's hard to have both kids with one parent for too much time. And then it's hard to take care of each other, after spending the day taking care of the kids. We still love each other, so I think we'll get through this, but it is very hard for me.

Post-partum depression can happen any time in the first year--mine kicked in after I returned to work.

[Anonymous]

Yes. I had double - maybe triple - the work and worry and DH lived as if we were just married. I resented the crap out of himsnd still do.

[Anonymous]

Good question. Anytime you add something and/or someone to the family dynamics it is going to change, even if it is a parrot. This is simply a matter of reality. I have five (5) children and our family changed as they arrived, grew and left. Some of it was delightful, some of it was challenging but in the end run all of it was what made our family what we are today. All of it presented us with the opportunity to seek wise counsel, to pray, to ask for help and to be there for one another. All of this stretched our capabilities and the strength of our relationship at times. All of this was a blessing in the long run. I had some with 4 years between them and 2 with 13 months between them. We met the challenge and it became a part of our lives, no matter. I am praying for you that no matter how your family configures you will be able to enjoy the blessings.

[Anonymous]

My DH might say we no longer have time for ourselves, that date night four times a year is not so easy, that he feels that he always comes last or second over the kids’ needs and wants (they are ages 3 and 6).

[Anonymous]

Similar to a lot of people here, it gets a lot easier when the youngest turns 2. Everything gets easier. Like we took an outing the other day and the youngest walked all the way from the car park to the place we were going by herself. So I think it’s really not just about having X number...but having a really young, completely dependent child. It wasn’t until my oldest was 2.5 that we even could think about adding another one. We are more tired now and it’s also been a stressful career stage so that adds to it. There are many more days when you feel overwhelmed and exhausted. But I think it also allows you to see and appreciate new strengths in each other. Overall we are in a stronger place than ever, but it has involved a lot of digging deep and talking.