How did having a second child change your marriage?

[Anonymous]

It didn’t, really. We have three and none of them changed things much in our marriage, which is strong. It helped that I chose not to breastfeed and we split the nights. We had all of them STTN at around 4 months. DH is just as good with the kids as I am, and often better. We definitely go out and sleep in a lot less these days, but someday we’ll start adding that back in.

[Anonymous]

I think the first baby changed our marriage way more than the second.

With the first we lost our DINK lifestyle and had to adjust to a new way of life. We were in our early 30s so we were pretty settled into a comfy lifestyle.

Had our second 28 months later and while the newborn stage is tough, it wasn’t as big of an adjustment lifestyle-wise. I mean, it now requires more organization and coordinating with two kids (plus double the sick days). But it was more of a logistical change than overhaul of how we lived.

And I will echo others that it was a bigger change for DH. He could no longer rely on me to always repack the diaper bag, fold kid laundry, meal plan, etc. It was all hands on deck once number two came, especially when I was breastfeeding (meaning he did A LOT with our oldest for a while).

Now we are even considering #3!

[Anonymous]

We had kids just under 2 years apart. At 3 our older child was diagnosed with some minor special needs. The stress almost drove us to divorce. We did 6 months of marriage counseling. Now they are 2.5 and 4.5 and life is so much smoother. We don't have a lot of time to just focus on us as a couple but we are working well as a team.

[Anonymous]

Our marriage was pretty rocky when 2nd was born. It’s gotten better now with a 2 and 6 year old (3.5 years difference). There’s more joy now in our time together as a family and also more time for individual pursuits (exercise, hobbies). Kids interact well together and can be entertained by same activities so we can divide and conquer again. I would have given us a 50 percent chance of making it as a couple the first 6 months or so of having two, but am glad we emerged intact.

[Anonymous]

Our kids are 5 years apart, so there’s a lot of divide and conquer. And that results in neither of us getting much free time because the older one typically had an activity that competed with nap time for the younger, so one person stayed home with the younger and the other ran the older one. So that’s been an adjustment. And even now that the younger one is 4 and can come more places, it’s not fun or really fair for him to watch a full soccer game twice a weekend, so what used to be a little downtime for the parent who stayed home while he napped is now gone too. I think it makes us shorter with each other and the kids and we’ve recognized it and are trying to correct, but there are only so many hours in the day, so only so much we can do at this point.

[Anonymous]

3.5 years apart and very, very hard for us. My oldest is extremely attached to me and me dealing with the baby made her attachment worse. DH tried to help but he couldn’t nurse the baby and my oldest wanted nothing to do with him. Plus we lost our nanny a few months before the baby was born and my oldest was very bonded to her.

DH and I are still on very rocky ground partially because of that time.

[Anonymous]

I think it can really vary based on the kids and the adults in the situation. My kids are almost 2.5 years apart. Both easy, happy kids and both parents divide duties well. We both work full time outside the home.
Still, the first year was hard for me because I (mom) was always stuck at home with the baby on weekends, and I was also on the hook for night feeds as I was breastfeeding. It was hard on my husband because he was dealing with a 2.5 year old all the time - even the easy ones act up! The first winter as a family of four was hard too because everyone kept getting sick all the time and the adults were basically running on empty.
That said, we always tried to keep lines of communication open and things got easier when the baby stopped napping in the morning, so we could do things as a family once again. They’re now 5 & 2.5 and we are still exhausted a lot, but we give each other a break often where one person takes both kids so the other can sleep in, work out, whatever. Kids are devoted to each other and play well together.
If you can, outsource some of the stuff like cleaning, laundry etc. Chores have a way of taking your life over otherwise.

[Anonymous]

We’re just a few months into having two, kids are 21 months apart, and we’re like passing ships in the night. Both kids are awful sleepers, toddler is very high energy, I just went back to work and we are miserable and exhausted. I cry almost daily.

[Anonymous]

Non existing sex lives for us. Two kids, age 3 and 9 months. Both of us work full time, and I commute to DC from the suburb. Baby is a terrible sleeper as well. We are like roommates / workers constantly busy rushing to do this that. We are both exhausted and have been impatient with each other. No families nearby to help either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it can really vary based on the kids and the adults in the situation. My kids are almost 2.5 years apart. Both easy, happy kids and both parents divide duties well. We both work full time outside the home.
Still, the first year was hard for me because I (mom) was always stuck at home with the baby on weekends, and I was also on the hook for night feeds as I was breastfeeding. It was hard on my husband because he was dealing with a 2.5 year old all the time - even the easy ones act up! The first winter as a family of four was hard too because everyone kept getting sick all the time and the adults were basically running on empty.
That said, we always tried to keep lines of communication open and things got easier when the baby stopped napping in the morning, so we could do things as a family once again. They’re now 5 & 2.5 and we are still exhausted a lot, but we give each other a break often where one person takes both kids so the other can sleep in, work out, whatever. Kids are devoted to each other and play well together.
If you can, outsource some of the stuff like cleaning, laundry etc. Chores have a way of taking your life over otherwise.

This is similar to us. DC #1 is a pretty good kid but just has times where he acts out and only wants ME and then DH gets frustrated. Plus this winter has just been tough. It’s gotten a bit easier now that #2 goes to bed a bit earlier, I can nurse her and then DH will take over putting her down so I can read to #1. But I go back to work soon and feel like it’s going to be rough for a while trying to get everything done.

[Anonymous]

Mine are three years apart. I left my job after the second had a lot of medical issues. Staying home has been hard but I'm lucky I don't need to worry about money.

[Anonymous]

I’ve seen the 2nd kid blow up some marriages. Like other PP, it hit the DH really hard and they just couldn’t cope. So the overworked DW becomes even more overworked and resentment happens.

If you are already at Maximum, do you think DH will be able to step up?

[Anonymous]

2 didn't change anything for us.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:2 didn't change anything for us.

PS they're 18 months apart. It's been great. Wish we could afford another.

[Anonymous]

We’re in a better place now, but our marriage was definitely smoother when we only had 1 child. Our 2nd (who is almost 4) wasn’t a tough baby, it’s just that we had less time to focus on our relationship as our family grew. At one time I really wanted 3 kids, but I don’t believe our marriage would survive another child.