What if your marriage is great but is becoming increasingly platonic

[Anonymous]

My best friend swears by a sex therapist. It helped them connect again beyond just in a sexual way.

[Anonymous]

I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

[Anonymous]

Guy : To me the red flag here is that you don’t like kissing.
You’ll probably end up cheating so why not just skip all that and leave.
That will save you and him a lot of grief. As an anonymous poster I’d say based on the evidence your relationship is dead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Then what? Keep cheating and divorcing if the next one is lacking in some marital area. My stupid friend did that. The next one liked to have sex more often but sucked in other areas. As in really important areas. Too many people need to grow up here. They keep a balance sheet then wonder why they are always disappointed. It's not the other persons job to keep you constantly entertained. Look in the mirror, your tally sheet would be tiring. Maybe your spouse isn't thrilled with your job requirements.

There is no "then what" since ideally I can remain married and sane. And my kids grow up in an intact house. But sure if I get caught she could leave but how am I worse off than if we just divorce now. Plus I cant imagine any spouse is surprised their spouse is cheating if they aren't having somewhat regular sex and turn them down.

I have asked my wife to explore fantasies she won't. Sometimes cheating is the least worst option unless you think being sexually miserable is just how life goes.

Exactly. A dead bedroom is de facto DADT open marriage. There’s no downside because what’s the risk, divorce? Well divorce is unavoidable if the bedroom is dead so at least the open marriage provides some chance of saving the marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

“Weeks” is not a long time without sex. Many months or years is bad. “Weeks” is still really good!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

“Weeks” is not a long time without sex. Many months or years is bad. “Weeks” is still really good!

You can't reason with the cheaters or open marriage people. There are reasons they are unhappy and it's looking at them in the mirror, lol.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Kissing doesn’t feel right anymore, you can live without frequent sex, you are not eager for date nights...but you are good friends and parent well. And you know it’s not that your sex drive is waning- in fact, you know there are other men out there who would be the perfect match in terms of sex and attraction? I don’t blame the kids. Neither of us gained weight. We hardly fight. Anyone been down this road? Did you divorce amicably or come to an agreement, I.e. open marriage? We are both in our late 30s and I can’t imagine another 20+ years of this, let alone 40 years.

This is us too, but we are in our mid 40s with 3 kids still under 15. Can’t imagine the rest of my life like this, yet I feel it’s too late to start over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

“Weeks” is not a long time without sex. Many months or years is bad. “Weeks” is still really good!

You can't reason with the cheaters or open marriage people. There are reasons they are unhappy and it's looking at them in the mirror, lol.

14 days and you can’t find 30 minutes to share an O with your spouse? WTF how can you call that “really good”? And during that time how many hours do you waste on DCUM and FB and YouTube? Given your phone is more important than your spouse, why wouldn’t you expect him to find normal satisfaction elsewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Women have to drive the train on this one. It doesn't work the other way around. It sucks, but that's the way it goes. All these women afraid to tell their husbands they want to spice things up are worried for no reason. Husbands will almost always be up for it, even if the fantasy is something that doesn't do much for them. Just the idea that their wives have unexplored sexuality is a turn on. If a husband suggests spicing things up, the wife just gets upset thinking "why aren't I enough for him???"

This just isn't true in my case.

Or mine. He has Asperger's and is very, very sexually repressed, to the point of being basically asexual.

My AP, OTOH, would try anything I wanted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

+100

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Women have to drive the train on this one. It doesn't work the other way around. It sucks, but that's the way it goes. All these women afraid to tell their husbands they want to spice things up are worried for no reason. Husbands will almost always be up for it, even if the fantasy is something that doesn't do much for them. Just the idea that their wives have unexplored sexuality is a turn on. If a husband suggests spicing things up, the wife just gets upset thinking "why aren't I enough for him???"

This just isn't true in my case.

That's why I said "almost always." There are limits to everything, of course.

Except it’s not almost always. There are many men with low drive, it’s just not discussed as openly. And often not believed as it not the popular cultural viewpoint of male libido. I’m a different poster and my husband can go several months without sex, I’d strongly prefer a few times a week. It’s not something that was as apparent early on. He was never a super horn dog. He’s a truly incredible person, but our sex life is a barren wasteland no matter my efforts.

[Anonymous]

I did end up getting divorced. I love sex and need affection. So happy and I'm still great friends with my ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to seriously spice up your sex life. If you went to the same restaurant and ordered the same meal week after week, year after year you would get bored and want to try something new. You need to change the menu! Change the location where you have sex, get on the internet and find new positions to try! Use your imagination!

This, right here. Go have sex in the back seat of a car, give him oral while driving the next time you show up on a road trip. You must have fantasies. Now is the time to pick one and try it out.

+1 on bringing your fantasies to life. It may initially surprise and even shock your husband but he will get over it. If he doesn't respond to helping you live out a fantasy then you have a problem. In one of my crazier moments I came into bed with two scarves and asked my husband to tie me to the headboard. He was happy to.

Yes because he is not really that important! He is just there to perform for your pleasure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I highly doubt a marriage can be "great" but "increasingly platonic." For example, my marriage works on a lot of levels but my DW's sex drive is non-existent and we go weeks without sex. During these droughts, there is absolutely nothing about our marriage I would describe as either great or even functional. In fact, it becomes cold and awkward with this weird interaction where we just act distant. I truly don't know how others cope with this but I can't imagine the marriage without sex resembles anything other than awkward (unless neither party wants sex).

There are basically three options for these so-called platonic marriages: 1) find a way to get in the mood, 2) turn a blind eye or have an agreement on an open marriage, or 3) be miserable. There is no fourth option on "great" and you are delusional if you think your partner thinks he is in a great marriage.

OP, use your big girl words, advocate for what you need.

“Weeks” is not a long time without sex. Many months or years is bad. “Weeks” is still really good!

You can't reason with the cheaters or open marriage people. There are reasons they are unhappy and it's looking at them in the mirror, lol.

14 days and you can’t find 30 minutes to share an O with your spouse? WTF how can you call that “really good”? And during that time how many hours do you waste on DCUM and FB and YouTube? Given your phone is more important than your spouse, why wouldn’t you expect him to find normal satisfaction elsewhere?

NP. This is my DH. Always on his phone and completely ignores me until he wants sex. Sits on the phone all night, wants to pump away for 5 minutes, then rolls over and gets back on his phone. And he wonders why I'm not interested in sex with him.

[Anonymous]

DADT saves precisely these kinds of marriages.