What if your marriage is great but is becoming increasingly platonic

[Anonymous]

Tell DH to PIIYB

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell DH to PIIYB

Took me a few seconds...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Women have to drive the train on this one. It doesn't work the other way around. It sucks, but that's the way it goes. All these women afraid to tell their husbands they want to spice things up are worried for no reason. Husbands will almost always be up for it, even if the fantasy is something that doesn't do much for them. Just the idea that their wives have unexplored sexuality is a turn on. If a husband suggests spicing things up, the wife just gets upset thinking "why aren't I enough for him???"

This just isn't true in my case.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Then what? Keep cheating and divorcing if the next one is lacking in some marital area. My stupid friend did that. The next one liked to have sex more often but sucked in other areas. As in really important areas. Too many people need to grow up here. They keep a balance sheet then wonder why they are always disappointed. It's not the other persons job to keep you constantly entertained. Look in the mirror, your tally sheet would be tiring. Maybe your spouse isn't thrilled with your job requirements.

There is no "then what" since ideally I can remain married and sane. And my kids grow up in an intact house. But sure if I get caught she could leave but how am I worse off than if we just divorce now. Plus I cant imagine any spouse is surprised their spouse is cheating if they aren't having somewhat regular sex and turn them down.

I have asked my wife to explore fantasies she won't. Sometimes cheating is the least worst option unless you think being sexually miserable is just how life goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Women have to drive the train on this one. It doesn't work the other way around. It sucks, but that's the way it goes. All these women afraid to tell their husbands they want to spice things up are worried for no reason. Husbands will almost always be up for it, even if the fantasy is something that doesn't do much for them. Just the idea that their wives have unexplored sexuality is a turn on. If a husband suggests spicing things up, the wife just gets upset thinking "why aren't I enough for him???"

This just isn't true in my case.

That's why I said "almost always." There are limits to everything, of course.

[Anonymous]

Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

Totally. DH and I spent a whole day putting up Christmas lights, way more lights than usual, we were up on the roof together, being kind of dangerous, enjoying the view. It was great. Yesterday we had to demo a wall together because we found some mold but it ended up being fun and hot because we both just dug in ripping up wall. Mundane stuff, kind of stressful stuff, but you make it fun by embracing it together.

Definitely do something physical and out of the norm. I always think that makes DH and I see each other in a more animalistic way.

[Anonymous]

These were my thoughts exactly. We divorced. I am so much happier and fulfilled in life and found someone who is the total package. (We’ve now been together longer than my ex and I were and the feelings have never died.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

That sounds kinda platonic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

That sounds kinda platonic.

OP here. We’ve done a few outdoors activities over the years but such things did often feel platonic. He works out but prefers to do it alone on his own time in his own way.

I’ve tried suggesting new activities but heajust not interested.

If we were both in our say, late 50s or 60s I could see working with the situation better but not at our current ages. I often wonder if he’s afraid to say something himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

That sounds kinda platonic.

OP here. We’ve done a few outdoors activities over the years but such things did often feel platonic. He works out but prefers to do it alone on his own time in his own way.

I’ve tried suggesting new activities but heajust not interested.

If we were both in our say, late 50s or 60s I could see working with the situation better but not at our current ages. I often wonder if he’s afraid to say something himself.

I'm in my 60's and I would not be happy with your situation! As others have mentioned spice up your love life and you need to be the one to initiate it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Then what? Keep cheating and divorcing if the next one is lacking in some marital area. My stupid friend did that. The next one liked to have sex more often but sucked in other areas. As in really important areas. Too many people need to grow up here. They keep a balance sheet then wonder why they are always disappointed. It's not the other persons job to keep you constantly entertained. Look in the mirror, your tally sheet would be tiring. Maybe your spouse isn't thrilled with your job requirements.

There is no "then what" since ideally I can remain married and sane. And my kids grow up in an intact house. But sure if I get caught she could leave but how am I worse off than if we just divorce now. Plus I cant imagine any spouse is surprised their spouse is cheating if they aren't having somewhat regular sex and turn them down.

I have asked my wife to explore fantasies she won't. Sometimes cheating is the least worst option unless you think being sexually miserable is just how life goes.

All excuses. Tell HER all this, don't cheat. Yes if you get caught and re-married at some point it's likely the sex will stagger. At least some point in your relationship. Plus if you get caught your kids will find out at some point, then it's game over. They will never view you the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even good marriages ebb and flow, both sexually and emotionally. Are you committed to the relationship? If so, think creatively about how you can refresh the places that feel neglected.

Or get some marital counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Man here in exact same situation as OP. All the suggestions about spicing things up are great but won't work if your partner just isn't interested in spicing with you. I won't divorce over it but will chest at some point and then she can decide if she wants to divorce over it if I get caught.

It's sucks OP, I get it.

Then what? Keep cheating and divorcing if the next one is lacking in some marital area. My stupid friend did that. The next one liked to have sex more often but sucked in other areas. As in really important areas. Too many people need to grow up here. They keep a balance sheet then wonder why they are always disappointed. It's not the other persons job to keep you constantly entertained. Look in the mirror, your tally sheet would be tiring. Maybe your spouse isn't thrilled with your job requirements.

There is no "then what" since ideally I can remain married and sane. And my kids grow up in an intact house. But sure if I get caught she could leave but how am I worse off than if we just divorce now. Plus I cant imagine any spouse is surprised their spouse is cheating if they aren't having somewhat regular sex and turn them down.

I have asked my wife to explore fantasies she won't. Sometimes cheating is the least worst option unless you think being sexually miserable is just how life goes.

You want to cheat because she doesn't want to role play? I don't blame her. You're not always going to have regular sex. You're spouse isn't always going to have time or be in the mood, so yes you will be turned down at times. That's life and part of the relationship. I'm pretty sure you don't meet all her needs which wouldn't be a reason to cheat either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Instead of directly trying to spice up your sex life, try to spice up your regular life. There are studies about finding people more attractive when you do something exciting together that gets your heart rate up, etc. Go hiking, take a trapeze class, do a ropes course or a zip line, do something physical and exciting together. Try to get out of your daily routine rut and spend time together in a different context.

+1