Answer for “why does it matter?” (Drinking)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't ever compare junk food addiction to alcohol addiction.

Why not? A diabetic not avoiding junk food seems similar to an alcoholic not avoiding alcohol.

[Anonymous]

My dad is a functioning alcoholic. Things I remember from my childhood are not great, but I didn't think much of it at the time. He would leave me in the car while he went into the bar to grab a beer. Whenever he drove me anywhere there was a beer in the cup holder - two actually - one was open and one was not. I'd still say he was a good dad though because he took me fishing and supported my decisions as I got older.

The primary thing I learned from watching him is that he has absolutely no coping mechanisms at all. He never actually dealt with anything, he just drank away whatever he was dealing with until it came back as he made his way out of a drunken stupor. Then he did it all over again. It's like he has no idea what to do with his emotions so he constantly tries to suppress them. Never acknowledging that emotions are healthy, normal, real and necessary.

It matters because you don't want your kids to think this is normal behavior. None of the things I mention above that I dealt with as a kid of an alcoholic are normal. Normal is 2 cups of coffee by 10 AM, not beer.

[Anonymous]

I'm not one to cry alcoholic at all but two beers by 10am is serious intervention time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH drinks daily. His doctor has been telling him to reduce the intake (he monitors labs), after 10 years of me kind of disapproving passively, it's escalated. He mostly drinks when he's stressed, but that ends up being 6 times a week!!! He drinks 3 glasses of wine on a weekday. He goes out and drinks 6 beers and justifies it saying he drank it over a 5 hour period. I once did an online test of "see if your loved one is an alcoholic" - i told him the results of that test and he denied it, saying it doesn't affect his work. True, he won't miss work due to drinking the night before, he won't drink on the job. But its' still a lot.

He recently has come to a realization that he is indeed an alcoholic, but he tells me to let him continue as it's his only vice. This is true, but our kids are under 6. We are already 41 and starting to have some health issues. He's a rational guy in a professional field, but when it comes to this, he's utterly irrational.

Frankly, I don't know whether to push this with him or not. Drinking does relax him and he will say things like, how come I don't decrease carb intake (especially ice cream) when I have diabetes and my doctor has been telling me my a1c numbers are getting worse.

At the moment, we each get a "vice" but Idk how long this will be sustainable without us suffering some big health consequence.

My DH is like this too - he drinks a lot of beer daily after work. We fight about it regularly. The only saving grace is he knows he drinks too much and tries to work with me. What we are doing now is for him to start drinking as late as possible (after dinner, after kids have gone to bed). Then I hang out with him for a bit before he gets tipsy, then I go to bed. I think half the time he falls asleep watching TV anyway...

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your children are still young if they wake up during the night.

And if that is the case - then no way should your husband be drinking at all while supervising them.

Two beers before ten ‘o clock AM??!
That does not bode well.

I think you have every right to be upset.
I would be too.....

[Anonymous]

It sounds like your children are still young if they wake up during the night.

And if that is the case - then no way should your husband be drinking at all while supervising them.

Two beers before ten ‘o clock AM??!
That does not bode well.

I think you have every right to be upset.
I would be too.....

[Anonymous]

How does your dh get up and go to work and be productive every day?!?

My dh drinks more than I like but very rarely during the week since he has to wake up early and do a very mentally and intellectually difficult job every day. No way could he kick back multiple drinks on a week day and be productive the next day.

Also 2 beers by 10am is a major red flag. Does he continue all day after he starts in the mornings?

I hope he gets the help he needs. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

It matters because he’s not a loving father when he drinks. He’s not able to handle bedtimes when he’s drunk, he can’t help with middle of the night wake-ups, his drinking makes him an absentee parent in his own home. And if he’s drinking at 10 am on a Saturday while you’re asleep upstairs, then you do need to worry about the kids’ safety because he’s not present enough to notice if something happens or to fit to drive if, for instance, a kid got hurt badly enough to need to be driven to the ER. The kids might as well be hanging out down there alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH drinks daily. His doctor has been telling him to reduce the intake (he monitors labs), after 10 years of me kind of disapproving passively, it's escalated. He mostly drinks when he's stressed, but that ends up being 6 times a week!!! He drinks 3 glasses of wine on a weekday. He goes out and drinks 6 beers and justifies it saying he drank it over a 5 hour period. I once did an online test of "see if your loved one is an alcoholic" - i told him the results of that test and he denied it, saying it doesn't affect his work. True, he won't miss work due to drinking the night before, he won't drink on the job. But its' still a lot.

He recently has come to a realization that he is indeed an alcoholic, but he tells me to let him continue as it's his only vice. This is true, but our kids are under 6. We are already 41 and starting to have some health issues. He's a rational guy in a professional field, but when it comes to this, he's utterly irrational.

Frankly, I don't know whether to push this with him or not. Drinking does relax him and he will say things like, how come I don't decrease carb intake (especially ice cream) when I have diabetes and my doctor has been telling me my a1c numbers are getting worse.

At the moment, we each get a "vice" but Idk how long this will be sustainable without us suffering some big health consequence.

Your poor kids. You both need to get healthy for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was Prosecco at brunch, would you feel any different?

Alone, yes.

[Anonymous]

The behavior you describe is textbook alcoholic behavior, including the deflection and trying to make it seem like you are the unreasonable one. I have been through this and it does not end well. We are now divorcing with a toddler because I do not want my son to grow up in an alcoholic home. I would recommend going to Al Anon, reading about addiction, and getting into individual therapy for yourself. Babette Wise at Georgetown deals with families of alcoholics and runs a support group for spouses. Start building your own support system so you can do what's right for you and your kids.

[Anonymous]

He is numbing himself to you, the kids and his life in her real. It’s not a loving father that needs two beers on Saturday morning to face the stress and boredom of parenting. He needs to figure out why he needs to do that.

[Anonymous]

"suns over the yardarm somewhere!"

[Anonymous]

Babette Wise at Georgetown deals with families of alcoholics

How do you find her? Google just gives phone numbers that don't work. Thanks.

[Anonymous]

The reality is you both have problems. He's in denial about his alcoholism and you're in denial about your health. Every day at work I see people who are suffering the damage of long term alcohol abuse and poorly controlled diabetes. People really don't think it will happen to them until it does.

Your kids deserve to have TWO healthy parents. Right now they have zero. So yes, get involved in AlAnon or a therapist or whatever to help you deal with DH. But also get yourself healthy so that you're providing a good example for everyone else.