Answer for “why does it matter?” (Drinking)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was Prosecco at brunch, would you feel any different?

Yes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If it was Prosecco at brunch, would you feel any different?

It’s all about context. OP’s DH is drinking alone while supposedly watching the kids before 10 on a Saturday. He also gets drunk every night. I don’t care if it’s beer or Prosecco...

He had some Prosecco while out with friends or family at brunch once in a while....yeah, it’s different

[Anonymous]

This would be a problem for me and I’m usually one of the more laid back people around here when it comes to judging spouse behavior. This is not OK especially with kids. He’s an alcoholic.

I don’t have a problem with day drinking, with context, like someone else said. The guys/girls getting together for brunch? 1PM game for your favorite football team? Totally fine by me. Hanging around the house with the kids? Uh, NOPE.

[Anonymous]

Agree with others that he sounds like an alcoholic. He is not going to stop drinking without a really good reason and a lot of help. But it also sounds like he hasn’t destroyed his life yet so he can turn it around if he wants to.

If you think the kids could be his reason, talk to him about the consequences of growing up with a drunk for a dad (there are millions of stories about this, unfortunately). If you think it’s your marriage, talk to him about how it affects you. You say you’re not really scared for the kids’ safety but if he’s drinking like this now, it’s only a matter of time before he thinks it’s ok to drive the kids around after a few drinks.

He sounds really depressed too but if you think he still has a sense of self preservation, you can even show him the thread on DCUM on what it’s like to die from alcoholism-related conditions. It’s truly a horrible way to go.

Since he’s so defensive, make sure he knows you love him and have steps he can take to get help. And you should absolutely attend Alanon.

If he’s not receptive at all I think you need a backup plan for you and the kids. His drinking will not get better on its own. Good luck. This is a really hard road.

[Anonymous]

Don't embarrass him, She and Him, Etc. Until he'd mixer problem none of that will help, and when he does admit it, none of that will help. Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting, lunchbox, learn what others have done, you're not alone. Al-Anon will also give you some resources and the confidence to leave, if things get so bad that you have to.

[Anonymous]

My dad was a functioning alcoholic. And while we did not see the darkest side of alcoholism it took a social, emotional, financial toll on our family. I was determined to never marry a man who abuses alcohol, drugs or cigarettes. My DH came from a similar background with an abusive alcoholic father and felt the same. He has a brother who is an alcoholic who remains in a drunken stupor all the time and is practically useless. It is so easy to go from two drinks a day to full fledged binge.

[Anonymous]

"Why does it matter?" is not a question asked in good faith. Your husband drinks so much every evening that he is grumpy and irritable with his family, and he needs alcohol so much that he drinks two beers before 10 am when he's supposed to be watching his kids. You don't need to explain to him why it matters.

And the crack about the loving father is also a defensive deflection. He might be a loving father, but he's also an alcoholic. You might not fear for their safety now, but given that his drinking is escalating, how long do you think that will last? What happens when there's an emergency? Can he drive them?

[Anonymous]

Holy crap. I'm another "live and let live" type and think people are way too hung up "relationships with alcohol" on this board but this is way over the top. How old are your children? They are, at the very least, going to grow up thinking it's 100% normal to drink at 9 am on a Saturday.

I would ask him - would you be OK if the teachers at school were drinking a beer at 9 am while teaching? Then it's not OK for you to do it either. Do you drink at 9 am at work? Then it's not OK here. Being in the privacy of your own home does not make that messed up behavior OK.

[Anonymous]

My DH drinks daily. His doctor has been telling him to reduce the intake (he monitors labs), after 10 years of me kind of disapproving passively, it's escalated. He mostly drinks when he's stressed, but that ends up being 6 times a week!!! He drinks 3 glasses of wine on a weekday. He goes out and drinks 6 beers and justifies it saying he drank it over a 5 hour period. I once did an online test of "see if your loved one is an alcoholic" - i told him the results of that test and he denied it, saying it doesn't affect his work. True, he won't miss work due to drinking the night before, he won't drink on the job. But its' still a lot.

He recently has come to a realization that he is indeed an alcoholic, but he tells me to let him continue as it's his only vice. This is true, but our kids are under 6. We are already 41 and starting to have some health issues. He's a rational guy in a professional field, but when it comes to this, he's utterly irrational.

Frankly, I don't know whether to push this with him or not. Drinking does relax him and he will say things like, how come I don't decrease carb intake (especially ice cream) when I have diabetes and my doctor has been telling me my a1c numbers are getting worse.

At the moment, we each get a "vice" but Idk how long this will be sustainable without us suffering some big health consequence.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Holy crap. I'm another "live and let live" type and think people are way too hung up "relationships with alcohol" on this board but this is way over the top. How old are your children? They are, at the very least, going to grow up thinking it's 100% normal to drink at 9 am on a Saturday.

I would ask him - would you be OK if the teachers at school were drinking a beer at 9 am while teaching? Then it's not OK for you to do it either. Do you drink at 9 am at work? Then it's not OK here. Being in the privacy of your own home does not make that messed up behavior OK.

Ditto. I think people get worked up too quickly about alcohol, but the behavior described crosses even my line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Frankly, I don't know whether to push this with him or not. Drinking does relax him and he will say things like, how come I don't decrease carb intake (especially ice cream) when I have diabetes and my doctor has been telling me my a1c numbers are getting worse.

Seem like fairly equivalent concerns. You should both probably address them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH drinks daily. His doctor has been telling him to reduce the intake (he monitors labs), after 10 years of me kind of disapproving passively, it's escalated. He mostly drinks when he's stressed, but that ends up being 6 times a week!!! He drinks 3 glasses of wine on a weekday. He goes out and drinks 6 beers and justifies it saying he drank it over a 5 hour period. I once did an online test of "see if your loved one is an alcoholic" - i told him the results of that test and he denied it, saying it doesn't affect his work. True, he won't miss work due to drinking the night before, he won't drink on the job. But its' still a lot.

He recently has come to a realization that he is indeed an alcoholic, but he tells me to let him continue as it's his only vice. This is true, but our kids are under 6. We are already 41 and starting to have some health issues. He's a rational guy in a professional field, but when it comes to this, he's utterly irrational.

Frankly, I don't know whether to push this with him or not. Drinking does relax him and he will say things like, how come I don't decrease carb intake (especially ice cream) when I have diabetes and my doctor has been telling me my a1c numbers are getting worse.

At the moment, we each get a "vice" but Idk how long this will be sustainable without us suffering some big health consequence.

PP, I’m right there with you. I’ve posted before about my fiancé being on the cusp of alcoholism, and it’s definitely hard when it’s “not that bad” or when you, too, have your own vices - for me it’s junkfood/ sweets when I’m alrwady 15 lbs overweight. It’s tricky.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP. You have an alcoholic and it never goes well

[Anonymous]

Don't ever compare junk food addiction to alcohol addiction. Is your boyfriend feeding you that line of crap?

OP, while I haven't dealt with this, Alanon will help you to broach this subject with your DH. You know his drinking at 10 AM is not normal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If it was Prosecco at brunch, would you feel any different?

Yes

okay, good. I'm safe then.