Anyone ever join PACE?

[Anonymous]

If you enjoy group therapy, you might enjoy PACE. I discovered I wasn’t into group therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was ok but financially I felt out of place. A lot of the women were quite wealthy and could afford things like housekeepers, night nannies, etc. At times I felt judged for not being from a wealthy family and having modest roots. I think I was one of the only women without an Uppababy or Bugaboo stroller and it bothered me to see the other women examining my baby gear/stroller/car seat/jewelry and trying to size me up when I obviously didn’t fit the mold.

I also struggled with some postpartum challenges and I felt it isolated me from the group. Many women there seemed more interested in staying busy during their maternity leave and building their DC network, in what is essentially new mom version of a cocktail/networking party. That was not how the group advertised itself and not what I had gone in expecting. It sounds like others made lifelong friends but that was not my experience. Maybe it will be better for you.

+1. The ladies in my group all had designer strollers and most seemed at a higher income bracket than myself....My cheap Chicco stroller probably designated me as an outcast from the beginning. I remember crying after the 3rd meeting when no one invited me to lunch after the meeting and the rest of the ladies paired off...it was miserable for me and I quit going but most on this board rave about so ymmv

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was ok but financially I felt out of place. A lot of the women were quite wealthy and could afford things like housekeepers, night nannies, etc. At times I felt judged for not being from a wealthy family and having modest roots. I think I was one of the only women without an Uppababy or Bugaboo stroller and it bothered me to see the other women examining my baby gear/stroller/car seat/jewelry and trying to size me up when I obviously didn’t fit the mold.

I also struggled with some postpartum challenges and I felt it isolated me from the group. Many women there seemed more interested in staying busy during their maternity leave and building their DC network, in what is essentially new mom version of a cocktail/networking party. That was not how the group advertised itself and not what I had gone in expecting. It sounds like others made lifelong friends but that was not my experience. Maybe it will be better for you.

+1. The ladies in my group all had designer strollers and most seemed at a higher income bracket than myself....My cheap Chicco stroller probably designated me as an outcast from the beginning. I remember crying after the 3rd meeting when no one invited me to lunch after the meeting and the rest of the ladies paired off...it was miserable for me and I quit going but most on this board rave about so ymmv

I have a HHI and have never in my life noticed or judged another mom based on stroller brand or anything similar. I can totally see how heading some moms talk about the option of a night nurse or other extras that may be out of budget for you may feel ostracized or like the group isn’t people you could relate to, but I just want to encourage you that I don’t think most people are sizing up moms by brands or wealth to choose who to connect with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I thought it was ok but financially I felt out of place. A lot of the women were quite wealthy and could afford things like housekeepers, night nannies, etc. At times I felt judged for not being from a wealthy family and having modest roots. I think I was one of the only women without an Uppababy or Bugaboo stroller and it bothered me to see the other women examining my baby gear/stroller/car seat/jewelry and trying to size me up when I obviously didn’t fit the mold.

I also struggled with some postpartum challenges and I felt it isolated me from the group. Many women there seemed more interested in staying busy during their maternity leave and building their DC network, in what is essentially new mom version of a cocktail/networking party. That was not how the group advertised itself and not what I had gone in expecting. It sounds like others made lifelong friends but that was not my experience. Maybe it will be better for you.

+1. The ladies in my group all had designer strollers and most seemed at a higher income bracket than myself....My cheap Chicco stroller probably designated me as an outcast from the beginning. I remember crying after the 3rd meeting when no one invited me to lunch after the meeting and the rest of the ladies paired off...it was miserable for me and I quit going but most on this board rave about so ymmv

I'm really sorry you had that experience, PP. I probably would have felt similarly. I was SO excited to do PACE, since my mom was a group leader way back in the day. And then I found out the cost and took a hard pass. I think that support of other moms is crucial, but making it so expensive virtually guarantees a group more homogenous than I find appealing. Instead, I did a very low cost, hospital-based group, and it was wonderful.

[Anonymous]

It's a desperate attempt to buy friends, sorority-style, only with babies. Try moms' meetups, chatting to people in playground or baby-and-me classes. Your tribe is out there, just be creative looking for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you enjoy group therapy, you might enjoy PACE. I discovered I wasn’t into group therapy.

THIS! Yes it’s like group therapy.

[Anonymous]

Pace made me depressed because I realized how many women define themselves by motherhood. Who wants to sit around and talk about babies after being home with a baby? What about interests prenaby?

[Anonymous]

For those of you who had a bad experience I'm so sorry. I'm the PP who was 48 almost 49 when I joined PACE with my adopted son. I never felt judged by the type of stroller I had, where I lived or my age. I am between 8 and 16 years older than the rest of the moms in my group and I bonded with all of them. I got really lucky with the group I joined because nobody cared what all of us did for a living, beyond that we all supported each other as we navigated going back to work after maternity leave. All of us went back to work. We still are supporting each other through all the stuff that goes along with having toddlers, spouses, working and navigating having a social life.

OP I think PACE was worth every penny. I felt like the classes helped us bond and then we would go out to lunch afterwards and bond more. I still get very excited to see these women when we have our Mom brunches. OP, if you decide to join I sincerely hope you have my experience. I was the very best thing I did on maternity leave. Nobody tells you how isolating maternity leave is. With PACE I was able to really enjoy the time with my baby and my new friends.

FWIW, I was in a group in NW DC and all the women lived within a mile or so of our location with the exception of one who lived like 3 miles from our location.

[Anonymous]

Love my group- we still go out to dinner, 8 years later !!
Agree it depends on the group. We had a mix of HHI but everyone was very down to earth; our gatherings were not exclusive - everyone was included on the emails, even moms who almost never came out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's a desperate attempt to buy friends, sorority-style, only with babies. Try moms' meetups, chatting to people in playground or baby-and-me classes. Your tribe is out there, just be creative looking for it.

This was my experience. It reminded me why I never joined a sorority. I was surprised to see how quickly certain women became the more popular ones and others were quickly relegated to second tier status (wealth and job status/prestige seemed to play a big time in this), and saddened by the gossiping about other women behind their backs, and bothered by how quickly smaller circles of women banded together and then would have separate events/get togethers/dinners and somehow manage to bring them up to let the rest of us know we were not in the inner circle. At the time I was so desparate to try and make new mom friends and get out of the house that I minimized it and tried for a while to be friends with the “it” girls before I came to my senses. It’s hard enough to be a new mom without adding middle school friend drama.

[Anonymous]

I was definitely not as well of as several of the other women in the group, but I never felt bad about it.

All our differences seemed to be minimized because we were all dealing the same basic newborn things.

Having a group of people just fundamentally understand what you were going through without having to explain was such a godsend.

I didn't end up becoming friends with any of the members outside of the meetings, but I know others have found people they stayed in close touch with.

[Anonymous]

Oh, and to your original question, about half our group was in their early 40s.

[Anonymous]

I didn't find the group itself very valuable (group therapy is an apt description), but the lunches after certainly were and I still keep in touch with several people from my group. If you have some other source for mom peers like a hospital group, that could accomplish the same thing, but I think the social aspect was what was important, and for me, I've never made friends through meetups, but I did bond with these women through the "group-therapy-like" meetings over lunch - even if we were just rolling our eyes at our leaders and then talking about other stuff.

All but one of my cohort returned to work, and we talked a lot about professional identity. Age 35/City Mini stroller and I felt pretty average for my group.