manipulative/jealous friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

You are kidding right? That is your advice to OP? My daughter has friends friends from the neighborhood, friends from school, friends from her sports, etc. When she hosts a sleepover with her soccer friends, it is just her soccer friends. Why does she have to go out of her way to invite a random friend that doesn't relate to the group? Now, if the OPs daughter was inviting everyone from their school group and now this girl, that would be mean. But I don't think she is doing anything wrong.

Because it's not a random friend. From OP's post, it seems they all know each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really surprised at the people defending M. I thought we all had “that friend” when we were young. Guilt trips for doing anything with other kids, triangulating, manipulating, dishing out meanness while being hypersensitive to perceived slights. Maybe I’m over-identifying with OP’s daughter, but my best friend treated me like dirt within our little circle of friends. When we moved up to the next school where there was a bigger population, I made new friends. I didn’t mistreat her, I just wanted to be around people who were nice to me. I guess that’s called “exclusion” now. Cue screaming in my face, tearful calls from her mother to mine - a class-A manipulator.

+1 - I was the PP that said I had known some "M's"

Another +1

FWIW, I have a friend who just turned 50 last year, and she's STILL like that. She has a lot of trouble with boundaries (setting them appropriately and respecting those set by others) and will act out and escalate when she feels people pulling away from her in any way. In her case, it's co-dependent behavior, completely tied to her traumatic personal/family history, and something she's been working on forever in therapy.

I like and care about her, but I've had to pull back for periods over the years. It feels horrible to be in a friendship with someone who is acting that way, and I've tried to be both clear and kind when telling her I feel overwhelmed and need some space. I'm not sure she gets how I feel, but I've long gotten over any guilt about it. This is the only way the friendship works for me, and if it doesn't work for her, she can say so and I will disengage.

We each have a right to choose who we spend time with and how, and no one is obligated to spend time with a friend all the time (or include them in every other relationship in their life.) Any friend who persists in arguing otherwise is not a friend worth keeping.

No one is saying you don't have a "right to choose who we spend time with." And nor are you obligated to invite her to everything.

However, there are a host of choices in between all or nothing. That's the problem here, imo. Invite her sometimes. Then, when M complains, at least you can say that you do invite her but sometimes I like to spend time with A and B alone. Or we had plans alone or whatever. Because, you know, that's what friends do.

M is acting like she is because she is sensing her exclusion. And she's right.

OP’s dd does sometimes include M. It seemed pretty clear in the OP that sometimes she hangs out with M. It’s just not every time. So don’t act like you think it’s ok to ever not invite M, because the OP’s dd is doing what you’re suggesting and you’re still implying she’s a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m really surprised at the people defending M. I thought we all had “that friend” when we were young. Guilt trips for doing anything with other kids, triangulating, manipulating, dishing out meanness while being hypersensitive to perceived slights. Maybe I’m over-identifying with OP’s daughter, but my best friend treated me like dirt within our little circle of friends. When we moved up to the next school where there was a bigger population, I made new friends. I didn’t mistreat her, I just wanted to be around people who were nice to me. I guess that’s called “exclusion” now. Cue screaming in my face, tearful calls from her mother to mine - a class-A manipulator.

+1 - I was the PP that said I had known some "M's"

Another +1

FWIW, I have a friend who just turned 50 last year, and she's STILL like that. She has a lot of trouble with boundaries (setting them appropriately and respecting those set by others) and will act out and escalate when she feels people pulling away from her in any way. In her case, it's co-dependent behavior, completely tied to her traumatic personal/family history, and something she's been working on forever in therapy.

I like and care about her, but I've had to pull back for periods over the years. It feels horrible to be in a friendship with someone who is acting that way, and I've tried to be both clear and kind when telling her I feel overwhelmed and need some space. I'm not sure she gets how I feel, but I've long gotten over any guilt about it. This is the only way the friendship works for me, and if it doesn't work for her, she can say so and I will disengage.

We each have a right to choose who we spend time with and how, and no one is obligated to spend time with a friend all the time (or include them in every other relationship in their life.) Any friend who persists in arguing otherwise is not a friend worth keeping.

Sigh... I do as well.

I love her but we dont have a lot of the same interests anymore; so while I spend time with her, I also spend it with friends from book club, neighbors, the parents from my kids travel team, etc.

If someone posts pictures on Facebook or Instagram about an outing & I'm tagged in it, I know she'll leave a passive-aggressive comment. For instance, after the kids ended of season dinner we all went out to Dave & Busters and one of the other parents posted photos with the caption "A great time was had by all!". She posted the comment "ummm, not by all...?? ".

She doesn't know anyone we were with, she has no relation to the sport, her kids don't play it & our kids aren't even the same ages.
It would have been odd for me to invite her to something like this, when I was an invited guest myself.

I tried to explain this to her, but she takes everything so very personally & it's the same with any other friends I have.
I've resorted to blocking her from certain posts which makes me sad, but I just don't know what to do. I've tried explaining to her over & over that me not inviting her to something that she has no affiliation to (like dinner with the book club when we be discussing the book at dinner) isn't a slight to her in any way, shape or form.

I've tried to invite her to book club or other interests I have, but she says she doesn't have time or isn't interested... except when I'm going out socially with them, then she has all the interest in the world.