manipulative/jealous friend?

[Anonymous]

My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

[Anonymous]

Yikes, that’s a bit much of the friend and sad. I would be concerned about her reaction to a friendship ending but maybe “weaning” away and adding a bit more distance week to week and eventually YES, end the friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

The other girls do not like M or want to spend time in her company.

[Anonymous]

Ugh. My older kid got obsessive with friends, but she confided in me about it and we nipped it in the bud fast and expanded her horizons. She has also had friends get psycho with her too and we gave her strategies.

I would tell her to let her friend know she likes her, but the texts made her extremely uncomfortable. It is healthy to have all different friends and to spend time together AND time APART. She could even say "If you spend ALL your time with me, you will get sick of me!"

[Anonymous]

I feel sorry for M but I also think that your DD shouldn't be burdened with this either.

In 8th grade, it might be a time for your DD to communicate about difficult things. Maybe she can text M back and simply say that she is a "real friend" but that she has other friends too and will sometimes hang out without M--and she won't be hurt or consider M not to be a friend if she does the same thing.

[Anonymous]

I think you should let your daughter navigate this on her own.

Stuff like this happened all of the time when I was young (except there were notes instead of text messages).

This is exactly the kind of thing that parents should stay out of and let tweens/teens work out on their own.

You also ALWAYS have to assume there's stuff your daughter is leaving out. You don't know the whole story, so it's best to just offer to be a sounding board and express sympathy but not to tell her what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

The other girls do not like M or want to spend time in her company.

This seems to me a red flag that there might be some mean girl behavior going on. Perhaps M is being targeted and isolated/shunned by other girls, which would explain why she is being so clingy with your daughter.

Again, as I mentioned in my post above, don't assume you have all of the information.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

The other girls do not like M or want to spend time in her company.

This seems to me a red flag that there might be some mean girl behavior going on. Perhaps M is being targeted and isolated/shunned by other girls, which would explain why she is being so clingy with your daughter.

Again, as I mentioned in my post above, don't assume you have all of the information.

Nah, I’ve observed M with large groups. It does not surprise me they feel this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

The other girls do not like M or want to spend time in her company.

This seems to me a red flag that there might be some mean girl behavior going on. Perhaps M is being targeted and isolated/shunned by other girls, which would explain why she is being so clingy with your daughter.

Again, as I mentioned in my post above, don't assume you have all of the information.

Nah, I’ve observed M with large groups. It does not surprise me they feel this way.

DP. What is it about M that turns other girls against her? Just wondering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My daughter's friend (we'll call her M) does not really have any friends outside their small friend group, whereas my daughter and the other girls in the group have other friends with whom they will sometimes hang out with. They are in 8th grade. Whenever my daughter does something without M, M goes pretty crazy and tells my daughter that if she were a real friend she'd invite M, how she should cancel the plans with the other girls and hang out with her instead, etc. My daughter woke up to a string of 8 text messages this morning telling her what a terrible friend she is, how she doesn't care about M, etc. (similar things have happened in the past).

I don't know what to tell her. Drop the friend?

Why can’t she ever invite her to go join the group and why does she keep their friendship separate? Many friends introduce their friends to each other and they become friends as well and it becomes a larger group.

The other girls do not like M or want to spend time in her company.

This seems to me a red flag that there might be some mean girl behavior going on. Perhaps M is being targeted and isolated/shunned by other girls, which would explain why she is being so clingy with your daughter.

Again, as I mentioned in my post above, don't assume you have all of the information.

Nah, I’ve observed M with large groups. It does not surprise me they feel this way.

DP. What is it about M that turns other girls against her? Just wondering.

She likes to call other people out in big groups...little things like telling my daughter her mascara is clumpy in front of a big group of 10+ girls, telling someone “wow, you really need to shave your legs”, etc., stuff like that.

[Anonymous]

Teach your daughter healthy and appropriate boundaries. It’s completely inappropriate how M is behaving and it’s very uncool to guilt your daughter like this. It’s borderline abuse and controlling. She needs to shut M down and if that means friendship ends, probably for the better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your daughter healthy and appropriate boundaries. It’s completely inappropriate how M is behaving and it’s very uncool to guilt your daughter like this. It’s borderline abuse and controlling. She needs to shut M down and if that means friendship ends, probably for the better.

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Teach your daughter healthy and appropriate boundaries. It’s completely inappropriate how M is behaving and it’s very uncool to guilt your daughter like this. It’s borderline abuse and controlling. She needs to shut M down and if that means friendship ends, probably for the better.

I would say this and explain a little bit more about mental health issues, since I'm in the field. My 8th grader would understand this. I would however not tell her outright to drop the friend. I would want my child to come to this conclusion on his or her own - which they have done in the past.

[Anonymous]

I call bs. OP daughter is a bully. My daughter engaged in this sort of stuff a year ago with one girl. I dig down and insisted she be inclusive in large groups. A year later we got through this and she agrees she was pushing X out for really no good reason. Seems like every other month someone is getting pushed out. Parents to look at their own kids before they engage in blame.