Cross class marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

You married one of the Trump boys?

They sound just like my former Indian ILs.

yes, especially: "They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

You married one of the Trump boys?

They sound just like my former Indian ILs.

yes, especially: "They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement."

I was guessing Persian.

[Anonymous]

I broke off an engagement (well, it was complicated but mostly mutual) for this reason. My ex-fiancé is the son of two specialist doctors who also had some family money to buoy them. My parents come from working class backgrounds and my upbringing was plain middle class, possibly lower MC. It wasn’t a dramatically different life on the surface; we had similar educations and salaries, both attended public schools where we did the usual activities. But while the values ingrained in us were generally aligned (family, education, friends, being charitable) they were completely different in philosophy and practice. I have a ton of examples of this. It was painful and eye-opening. By the end of our relationship we had zero respect for one another.

I married a man with a lot of very specific similarities regarding our parents’ backgrounds, schooling, employment, lifestyle, family relationships, and attitudes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH comes from an incredibly wealthy old money UC family (think .000001 wealth). But his parents were academics who intentionally raised around him around normal people. He grew up in a mostly UMC professional type neighborhood. I came from a WC family that valued education and financial stability. I knew that his family was well-to-do but the level of wealth was not apparent at first. We never had compatibility issues due to differences in our class origins. Once in awhile, he'll say or do something that reminds me of his background. It always surprises me a little that I'm married to someone who comes from such extreme wealth.

Can you provide a couple examples of things he does that reminds you of his background?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH comes from an incredibly wealthy old money UC family (think .000001 wealth). But his parents were academics who intentionally raised around him around normal people. He grew up in a mostly UMC professional type neighborhood. I came from a WC family that valued education and financial stability. I knew that his family was well-to-do but the level of wealth was not apparent at first. We never had compatibility issues due to differences in our class origins. Once in awhile, he'll say or do something that reminds me of his background. It always surprises me a little that I'm married to someone who comes from such extreme wealth.

Can you provide a couple examples of things he does that reminds you of his background?

I’m not the PP (I’m the private plane poster). One of the funniest for me was when he was talking about his nanny. I said “I cannot imagine being the nanny to SIX children”. Long pause. “We each had our own nanny”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I broke off an engagement (well, it was complicated but mostly mutual) for this reason. My ex-fiancé is the son of two specialist doctors who also had some family money to buoy them. My parents come from working class backgrounds and my upbringing was plain middle class, possibly lower MC. It wasn’t a dramatically different life on the surface; we had similar educations and salaries, both attended public schools where we did the usual activities. But while the values ingrained in us were generally aligned (family, education, friends, being charitable) they were completely different in philosophy and practice. I have a ton of examples of this. It was painful and eye-opening. By the end of our relationship we had zero respect for one another.

I married a man with a lot of very specific similarities regarding our parents’ backgrounds, schooling, employment, lifestyle, family relationships, and attitudes.

Can you share the differences in values?

[Anonymous]

I've known some people that are so poor, the only thing they have is a big house filled with money.

[Anonymous]

My husband grew up blue collar, and I grew up UMC. We met in medical school, and have a pretty similar lifestyle to my parents. The only thing that gets to me is that he doesn’t seem to understand how much effort and/or money things take. I think he sort of thinks that if you make enough money, then things should just happen.
For example, he wants a consistently clean, nicely decorated, and well maintained home with plenty of toys organized and in good working order.
He wants family meals cooked from scratch every night.
He wants the kids to play tennis, golf, swim, and play chess. He also wants them to play a musical instrument and learn a second language.
But he puts all of this on me. He feels that because I grew up UMC, I am supposed to know how to decorate the house, how to hire a nanny, or where to send the kids for golf lessons. And this is supposed to take me no time or effort.
It’s gotten better over the years, but it was very surprising when we first started making money that he expected me to know exactly how to spend it in order to make his vision of TV UMC life into a reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I broke off an engagement (well, it was complicated but mostly mutual) for this reason. My ex-fiancé is the son of two specialist doctors who also had some family money to buoy them. My parents come from working class backgrounds and my upbringing was plain middle class, possibly lower MC. It wasn’t a dramatically different life on the surface; we had similar educations and salaries, both attended public schools where we did the usual activities. But while the values ingrained in us were generally aligned (family, education, friends, being charitable) they were completely different in philosophy and practice. I have a ton of examples of this. It was painful and eye-opening. By the end of our relationship we had zero respect for one another.

I married a man with a lot of very specific similarities regarding our parents’ backgrounds, schooling, employment, lifestyle, family relationships, and attitudes.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband grew up blue collar, and I grew up UMC. We met in medical school, and have a pretty similar lifestyle to my parents. The only thing that gets to me is that he doesn’t seem to understand how much effort and/or money things take. I think he sort of thinks that if you make enough money, then things should just happen.
For example, he wants a consistently clean, nicely decorated, and well maintained home with plenty of toys organized and in good working order.
He wants family meals cooked from scratch every night.
He wants the kids to play tennis, golf, swim, and play chess. He also wants them to play a musical instrument and learn a second language.
But he puts all of this on me. He feels that because I grew up UMC, I am supposed to know how to decorate the house, how to hire a nanny, or where to send the kids for golf lessons. And this is supposed to take me no time or effort.
It’s gotten better over the years, but it was very surprising when we first started making money that he expected me to know exactly how to spend it in order to make his vision of TV UMC life into a reality.

My Dh is like this because he grew up with bitter, controlling parents, so that might be what you are experiencing.

[Anonymous]

This is all so fascinating. I come from a MC family and my husband’s was LMC. Both families valued education and had lots of similarities, but we have had conflict over little things like what to serve at parties or how tidy to keep the house. I never thought of these as potential class differences, but maybe they are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

this is just rich vs another kind of rich though?

No. In-laws are Mayflower and Old Dutch descendants. Their family is in history books and have streets and parks named after them. So if anything, they are old money but have a lot of it tied up in trusts (so maybe they are just an uncouth branch?). They do not seem to have access to a lot of liquidity. OTOH, my family spends and donates freely but we do not ave generational wealth like they do. This result is DH has a trust, but I do not. We intend on establishing trusts for the future kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

this is just rich vs another kind of rich though?

No. In-laws are Mayflower and Old Dutch descendants. Their family is in history books and have streets and parks named after them. So if anything, they are old money but have a lot of it tied up in trusts (so maybe they are just an uncouth branch?). They do not seem to have access to a lot of liquidity. OTOH, my family spends and donates freely but we do not ave generational wealth like they do. This result is DH has a trust, but I do not. We intend on establishing trusts for the future kids.

I can't speak to the rest of what you posted but old money WASPs love their creamed, canned, bland, and frozen food.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

this is just rich vs another kind of rich though?

No. In-laws are Mayflower and Old Dutch descendants. Their family is in history books and have streets and parks named after them. So if anything, they are old money but have a lot of it tied up in trusts (so maybe they are just an uncouth branch?). They do not seem to have access to a lot of liquidity. OTOH, my family spends and donates freely but we do not ave generational wealth like they do. This result is DH has a trust, but I do not. We intend on establishing trusts for the future kids.

I can't speak to the rest of what you posted but old money WASPs love their creamed, canned, bland, and frozen food.

Sounds like midwest MIL. Frozen OJ, anyone? :hurl:

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is all so fascinating. I come from a MC family and my husband’s was LMC. Both families valued education and had lots of similarities, but we have had conflict over little things like what to serve at parties or how tidy to keep the house. I never thought of these as potential class differences, but maybe they are.

Maybe. DH had very lazy parents, I had the opposite - always doing something, working full time, plus on the house and taking pride in ownership. None of that on his side.