Cross class marriages

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

Your ILs may have some money but they don’t have class. Money and class don’t always correlate.

I personally believe that having a strong/healthy family is more important than class to a large degree. If a spouse doesn’t know what a healthy family looks like all sorts of problems can occur.

Your IL sound like new money.

[Anonymous]

The Kennedys and Clintons were not considered old money/upper class, though Joseph P. Kennedy had accumulated a lot of money in his lifetime. Upper class presidents = Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, the Bushes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Frozen vegetables are trashy. Hmph. Learn something new every day.

I love frozen peas. Frozen butternut squash is great as a beginning of a soup, and easy as all get out. But the rest of the veggies ... I don't like them frozen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

You married one of the Trump boys?

They sound just like my former Indian ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Kennedys and Clintons were not considered old money/upper class, though Joseph P. Kennedy had accumulated a lot of money in his lifetime. Upper class presidents = Theodore Roosevelt, FDR, the Bushes.

FDR's family made the family fortune importing opium into China.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My inlaws have more money than my family but we consider them somewhat classless and trashy. DH and his family only ate frozen or canned vegetables. So when we went shopping for produce, he went to the frozen food aisle.

They are really obsessed with money and status. Like the in-laws want the younger kids to marry ivy-league educated people with good jobs. They only believe in going into finance or law, instead of doing something more interesting. They snap their fingers at servers and are bad tippers so it's embarrassing and I always supplement. They do not go to galleries or museums and do not have original art on their walls. They have never attended a ballet or concert.

No kids yet but I can see clashes in education. I want my kids to be multilingual or at least bilingual. I want them to study and find a career that they are passionate about. I want them to eat unprocessed, mostly plant based food. I want them to be less consumerist. I want them to value other people and treat them respectfully. I want them to appreciate and understand the value of art and culture.

this is just rich vs another kind of rich though?

[Anonymous]

DH comes from an incredibly wealthy old money UC family (think .000001 wealth). But his parents were academics who intentionally raised around him around normal people. He grew up in a mostly UMC professional type neighborhood. I came from a WC family that valued education and financial stability. I knew that his family was well-to-do but the level of wealth was not apparent at first. We never had compatibility issues due to differences in our class origins. Once in awhile, he'll say or do something that reminds me of his background. It always surprises me a little that I'm married to someone who comes from such extreme wealth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH grew up richrich (private plane rich) and unlike the above poster where you’re talking about UMC, lower upper class differences it’s a huge different. For reference my mom is a nurse dad is counseled.

My FIL is an incredibly self involved person. DH and I have had funny cultural misunderstandings especially at first. But no we don’t really argue over those things you mentioned

This is my experience as well. My sibling and I (poor minister kids) both have a FIL who is a prominent CEO. In both cases the CEO is a very self-involved person and more or less runs the show when you are with them. This causes some weird family dynamics. Luckily, they are both extremely busy so they can't interfere on a daily basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH comes from an incredibly wealthy old money UC family (think .000001 wealth). But his parents were academics who intentionally raised around him around normal people. He grew up in a mostly UMC professional type neighborhood. I came from a WC family that valued education and financial stability. I knew that his family was well-to-do but the level of wealth was not apparent at first. We never had compatibility issues due to differences in our class origins. Once in awhile, he'll say or do something that reminds me of his background. It always surprises me a little that I'm married to someone who comes from such extreme wealth.

Not quite the same but I had a roommate who came from super old wealth/nobility but her parents too were also academics. Their primary and summer homes were nice but nothing super posh. It wasn't until one summer that she was in a magazine photo of guests at a royal wedding in Europe that I realized just how elite her life was. I knew about quiet trips to various places, Switzerland to ski or to obscure resorts in the Indian Ocean, and understood she was quite wealthy. But that photo spread really opened my eyes. Her own wedding was at the Hotel du Cap Eden Roc in Cannes. 25 years later, I still wonder at it. Yet, she and her DH and their family lead a relatively low-key UMC-looking life most of the time. He comes from a "normal" wealthy NYC finance family. It's funny how they can turn the super-wealth/luxe when they want but live more modestly other times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH comes from an incredibly wealthy old money UC family (think .000001 wealth). But his parents were academics who intentionally raised around him around normal people. He grew up in a mostly UMC professional type neighborhood. I came from a WC family that valued education and financial stability. I knew that his family was well-to-do but the level of wealth was not apparent at first. We never had compatibility issues due to differences in our class origins. Once in awhile, he'll say or do something that reminds me of his background. It always surprises me a little that I'm married to someone who comes from such extreme wealth.

Not quite the same but I had a roommate who came from super old wealth/nobility but her parents too were also academics. Their primary and summer homes were nice but nothing super posh. It wasn't until one summer that she was in a magazine photo of guests at a royal wedding in Europe that I realized just how elite her life was. I knew about quiet trips to various places, Switzerland to ski or to obscure resorts in the Indian Ocean, and understood she was quite wealthy. But that photo spread really opened my eyes. Her own wedding was at the Hotel du Cap Eden Roc in Cannes. 25 years later, I still wonder at it. Yet, she and her DH and their family lead a relatively low-key UMC-looking life most of the time. He comes from a "normal" wealthy NYC finance family. It's funny how they can turn the super-wealth/luxe when they want but live more modestly other times.

+1

I know a few of these families. People from this area tend to not understand, and in their ignorance, resort to calling it "faux humble" - which of course, it is not. What they don't understand is that, whatever you choose to name it, it is a bazillion times better than being "faux snobby" (ie: snobby over nothing, in the attempt to look better than you really are - which is transparent).

[Anonymous]

We have the same level of income, but totally different family occupations. My family is more highly educated, lives in New England, believes in a modest lifestyle. His family is more splashy (some might say tacky). They are not financially irresponsible, it's more like they don't really understand why you wouldn't have the biggest house and car you possibly could. They're really nice people and I'm fond of them. Terrific grandparents. But there are definitely cultural differences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My wife grew up in a family that had m money but limited education. I grew up in a family that values education and the pursuit of knowledge as the prime directive.

Our DD is following in my footsteps. She thinks her mom is incredibly lazy and shallow (SAHM to a HS student who does no cooking or cleaning).

There are constant conflicts about education vs. socializing. (FWIW, I make decent money, but not big-law money)

Wow. You have issues.

Which issues?

[Anonymous]

My good friend came from a family that was successful. One of their financial successes was from the Depression Era. Her spouse's family was in poverty during the Depression Era, like most people. But when you put these two types together, there are different behaviors and different expectations that go along with it.

Both sides are very frugal, but the successful side was accustomed to cheap (or zero cost) fun and frolic (ex: impromptu parties with him made food and dancing), while the other side (who lost everything during the Depression) was emotionally depressed (predisposed then and now), destitute, helpless and hopeless (again, then and now).

It is hard to reconcile something that is so ingrained, even so many decades later, because the disposition about money is spent (though both sides can be miserly and overly generous) and how one spends their time (inattentive ADD - staring at a screen or book or whatever to 'zone out' - wasn't helped by the depressed side) is so ingrained. The fun and frolic side is like that until this day, and the depressed side is not interested in much but ailments. It can be much like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole.

[Anonymous]

*how money

[Anonymous]

I come from my money and my partner does not. We don't have kids, but yes we disagree on money issues for sure. It's not a huge problem though because I'm pretty understanding of his hang ups about accepting my family's money and his need to be financially independent.

Basically it's a matter of priorities. I care more about the relationship than I do about being right so I usually compromise more than he does. He's the one that is vulnerable, not me, so I don't push things.