Do you believe there is such a thing as a divorce contagion?

[Anonymous]

My close friends saw how incredibly difficult my divorce was one me, but they also saw how great I’m doing now that I’m past it. When my now-ex and I separated I had so many friends come out of the woodwork with the horror stories of their own marriages, all which look wonderful from the outside. Mostly a lack of respect for their spouses and a crazy lack of sex. One has gone three years, one a year. Another just can’t stand her husband. I think they are all on the path to divorce and none of that has anything to do with mine but some will probably stay together for either the kids or financial reasons.

[Anonymous]

Yes. No one in our circles was divorced. Really I had no friends who had divorced. Then I ended my marriage.

I was SHOCKED how many people came out of the woodwork to tell me they admired me and wished they'd had the courage. They shared terrible stories, things no one on FB would guess.

There was a small wave in the 2-3 years afterwards. Not huge, but went from none to some.

Contagion is quite pejorative. Somehow divorce is cast as horrible and yet living in a bad marriage is somehow not a contagion....

[Anonymous]

Just because others do something doesn’t make it right. It is a sin.

[Anonymous]

Very little divorce in our circle

But even when my BFF got divorced, I certainly did not think she was lucky. Her teens went into a tailspin, she lost a lot of money, and she is lonely all the time.

[Anonymous]

Negativity breeds negativity. I had to distance myself from a friend because she would make negative comments about men constantly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very little divorce in our circle

But even when my BFF got divorced, I certainly did not think she was lucky. Her teens went into a tailspin, she lost a lot of money, and she is lonely all the time.

+1

Midlife divorcees just seem sad. The second adolescence they seem to go into, the screwed up kids, the compromised ability to retire (usually doesn’t hit them until years after the divorce), and then the realities of a dating pool where everyone has baggage and blended family hell.

[Anonymous]

Saw it in my circle. 4 divorces within 5 years. They all hung out. Everyone scattered now. One divorce was ugly as hell. Think War of the Roses level.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is research on this and it's true. Same thing with suicides, incidentally.

Yes and smoking and obesity and volunteering and church going and fertility patterns and adultery all sorts of other activities are strongly influenced by social norms — both broader national norms and local community trends down to the neighborhood and block level.

This is a large part of the reason we stay involved in our Catholic Church and send kids to catholic school. Obviously it’s not perfect but in our little group divorce is very rare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very little divorce in our circle

But even when my BFF got divorced, I certainly did not think she was lucky. Her teens went into a tailspin, she lost a lot of money, and she is lonely all the time.

+1

Midlife divorcees just seem sad. The second adolescence they seem to go into, the screwed up kids, the compromised ability to retire (usually doesn’t hit them until years after the divorce), and then the realities of a dating pool where everyone has baggage and blended family hell.

Yeah, this isn’t my experience at all. No second adolescence, no screwed up kids, no financial issues, no problems with dating. What did happen is that I was able to stop being fully responsible for another adult human being who should have been fully capable of taking care of himself. My house is cleaner, I have less chores and I can actually spend some time living for me. Older kids so maybe that’s a factor but I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Or healthy (not just physically but emotionally as well). Life is good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife's best friend is basically a walking proponent for divorce. She does everything but yell at her to divorce me.

You better step it up

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Next door neighbors were divorced last year. Now a friend down the street is getting divorced after a 30 year marriage. And with our last child out of the house, we are talking about separating.

I think what happens is you see other people get divorced, realize they survived it, and take the plunge.

Agree.

Agree. All over Chevy Chase right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very little divorce in our circle

But even when my BFF got divorced, I certainly did not think she was lucky. Her teens went into a tailspin, she lost a lot of money, and she is lonely all the time.

+1

Midlife divorcees just seem sad. The second adolescence they seem to go into, the screwed up kids, the compromised ability to retire (usually doesn’t hit them until years after the divorce), and then the realities of a dating pool where everyone has baggage and blended family hell.

Yeah, this isn’t my experience at all. No second adolescence, no screwed up kids, no financial issues, no problems with dating. What did happen is that I was able to stop being fully responsible for another adult human being who should have been fully capable of taking care of himself. My house is cleaner, I have less chores and I can actually spend some time living for me. Older kids so maybe that’s a factor but I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy. Or healthy (not just physically but emotionally as well). Life is good.

Me too. Life is good. I'm getting remarried. And my retirement is set, with or without remarriage.

I couldn't have imagined being divorced a decade ago. But I got through it, and now I'm going to be remarried, and many women I know who were married during MY divorce are now getting divorced themselves. Life is funny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

If you are worried that someone else's divorce might end your marriage, your marriage is probably on the rocks already.

You seem smug.

I don't think it sounds smug, and I've never been married. Actually, that's kind of my point. Our entire group of best girlfriends formed when 1 was divorced, 1 was married (but it was getting rocky, they wound up getting divorced ) and 2 of us were single, never-married. Now, 10 years later, the 2 divorced ones are remarried, the other never-married got married this summer, and I'm still single.

Had group-think really been a problem, the first one to marry never would have done it when the other 3 of us were still single and free-wheeling (and we were, completely- none of us were even in serious relationships at that point). And I should be panicking now, because I'm the last single one, if that were the case. It's not. We're a group of individuals who happen to be extremely close with each other - we're also strong-minded, self-aware adults who have made the best choices for our own individual situations.

I do think that divorce can be "catching" but only amongst people who were already unhappy in their marriage. If people aren't, and they do it anyway, they are immature sheeple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

If you are worried that someone else's divorce might end your marriage, your marriage is probably on the rocks already.

You seem smug.

I don't think it sounds smug, and I've never been married. Actually, that's kind of my point. Our entire group of best girlfriends formed when 1 was divorced, 1 was married (but it was getting rocky, they wound up getting divorced ) and 2 of us were single, never-married. Now, 10 years later, the 2 divorced ones are remarried, the other never-married got married this summer, and I'm still single.

Had group-think really been a problem, the first one to marry never would have done it when the other 3 of us were still single and free-wheeling (and we were, completely- none of us were even in serious relationships at that point). And I should be panicking now, because I'm the last single one, if that were the case. It's not. We're a group of individuals who happen to be extremely close with each other - we're also strong-minded, self-aware adults who have made the best choices for our own individual situations.

I do think that divorce can be "catching" but only amongst people who were already unhappy in their marriage. If people aren't, and they do it anyway, they are immature sheeple.

So basically none of your friend group is capable of finding and holding on to a loving responsible partner and working with them to raise 2+ kids. And your probably all highly educated.

This is a harbinger of civilizational collapse, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Very little divorce in my circle. But now that I’m separated I hear three things from my female friends- 1- You’re brave, 2– What am I missing in my own marriage that I should address because I didn’t see this coming? And 3- what can I do to support you? Very few people have told me how unhappy they are, but a couple have started to mention it. For my male friends they pretty much stick to just asking me if I’m okay. I wonder what will happen after the divorce is final and I’m really doing this all on my own but right now I don’t think I’m the envy of anyone.