Is it wrong for my husband to go after business from someone he's attracted to?

[Anonymous]

I'm a woman and I'm often attracted to people I'm in business with. I've never acted on it, though, but it does make client service more fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, he invited her to several events but couldn't remember her name? That makes no sense! He's attracted to her but couldn't remember her name? That makes no sense. Sorry, he had to know her name. That doesn't mean he has had an affair but sounds like he also isn't being honest. I would do a bit of investigating.

All of this.

OP, you sound naive, sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something has already happened between them.

+100.

Please ask him. Stay calm and tell him he has one chance to come clean. If you find out he is lying then forgiveness may not be possible.

Good luck.

I always start those conversations by saying "I'll never ask you a question that I don't know the answer to already, so make sure you tell me the truth because I already know what it is".

Although, I've always said it to my kids, not my DH... works like a charm though.
When they think you already know the answer, they don't want to get caught in a lie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Something has already happened between them.

+100.

Please ask him. Stay calm and tell him he has one chance to come clean. If you find out he is lying then forgiveness may not be possible.

Good luck.

I always start those conversations by saying "I'll never ask you a question that I don't know the answer to already, so make sure you tell me the truth because I already know what it is".

Although, I've always said it to my kids, not my DH... works like a charm though.
When they think you already know the answer, they don't want to get caught in a lie.

How old are your kids? My teens definitely wouldn't buy this and would call that bluff.

[Anonymous]

OP - did you talk to your husband again? Please update.

[Anonymous]

OP here.
So, why didn’t the work pan out? He said that she was astronomically expense and it didn’t make sense for the client.
And why, after all the networking, did he not remember her name? He says because “She didn’t matter.” The networking had happened last summer and he hadn’t thought of her since then.
He was drinking a lot back then at these events and has since completely stopped drinking. It’s been 7 months now since he stopped drinking. I’m hoping the Alcohol was part of the problem.

[Anonymous]

^ which means he slept with her last summer.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I can’t gauge what your primary concern is. Are you worried he actually slept with her? Does he have a history of inappropriate flirting or crossing boundaries? Are you just plagued by the way her face lit up and his admission of attraction, but there aren’t any other troubles or red flags in your relationship? Are you usually jealous in your relationship? We really can’t know how to guide you without more context.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.
So, why didn’t the work pan out? He said that she was astronomically expense and it didn’t make sense for the client.
And why, after all the networking, did he not remember her name? He says because “She didn’t matter.” The networking had happened last summer and he hadn’t thought of her since then.
He was drinking a lot back then at these events and has since completely stopped drinking. It’s been 7 months now since he stopped drinking. I’m hoping the Alcohol was part of the problem.

He slept with her. And frankly, it's possibly she's not the only one. And that's likely why he stopped drinking completely.

The "she didn't matter" line is a lie. It's only been a year. He was attracted to her and followed up several times. He remembered her name. He's lying to you. The "she didn't matter" line is a the giveaway.

[Anonymous]

I really believe that relationships...especially marriages...should have boundaries in place. It may seem silly, but I think it's important that they not be in a car alone together or working at the office alone together, etc. It seems that everyone was uncomfortable with this situation. I would suggest talking to your husband about it (maybe with a counselor or minister) to get it all out on the table and then set some boundaries for your relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really believe that relationships...especially marriages...should have boundaries in place. It may seem silly, but I think it's important that they not be in a car alone together or working at the office alone together, etc. It seems that everyone was uncomfortable with this situation. I would suggest talking to your husband about it (maybe with a counselor or minister) to get it all out on the table and then set some boundaries for your relationship.

I think that the boundaries depend on both people, and boundaries are meaningless if there isn't trust. If someone is willing to lie, then you'll never know if the boundaries are being crossed.

The most important thing is honesty -- honesty between the husband and wife but also being honest with yourself. I think it's possible for two people to be attracted to each other and not act on it, so long as at least one person in that scenario is disciplined and knows himself or herself well enough to avoid situations that might make them lose their inhibitions.

It's like alcohol. Some people can drink and know their limits and never have situations in which they do things they'll regret due to drinking. Other people can't handle drinking, aren't good at knowing their limits or enforcing them, and do things they'll regret when they drink. Some people need to avoid alcohol entirely. Some men and women are like that; they can't have friendships with the opposite sex because they aren't good at self-control, at knowing their own limits, at stopping themselves before they get into tempting situations. Other people can handle being around people of the opposite sex to whom they are attracted because they know what to avoid and know themselves. Some people can even handle friendships that have a slight attraction because they are disciplined enough to always maintain appropriate boundaries.

There are no hard and fast rules -- except for one: lying about these things makes them worse because it erodes trust.

OP's husband is lying about not remembering the woman's name. Unless he's a complete idiot, he didn't completely forget the name of a woman he was (a) attracted to (b) followed up with a few times as recently as a year ago and (c) planned to do business with. He lied to OP in an attempt to downplay the whole thing, which makes it even worse because it makes it seem like he's hiding something.

The fact that he stopped drinking as recently as several months ago is also a little too coincidental. Something happened with this woman. Likely alcohol was involved. He relieves his guilt by telling himself it was the alcohol and not his own weakness, and that by quitting drinking, he thinks he's making it right without having to suffer the consequences of telling his wife.

OP, listen to your gut. You know there's more to this story. He's feeding you a lot of BS. If you buy it now, then he'll only think he can lie to you and get away with it. Good luck with that. Show him this post and monitor the look on his face, monitor his reaction.