MIL's cousin died

[Anonymous]

I read this more as an etiquette question and not a demanding MIL question. It’s clear OP (and a lot of the rest of you pp’s) don’t have much experience with grief or loss (and how lucky for you!). You always go to the funeral. And yes, you take the kids. This is not a “demand” from the MIL - it’s a very normal, to-be-expected, request. My God if you won’t throw your kids in the car and drive an hour to be there for someone who’s grieving... I don’t even know how to make this argument it’s so obvious to me.

Side note: you will learn a lot about your MIL and the rest of your husband’s family if you attend. It will be well-worth your time.

[Anonymous]

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In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

Beautifully said.

Does it also mean being free to make your own decisions about you and your children, and not dictating or making demands of other peoples’ time?

Of course you're free to make your own decisions. You're not inoculated from your family judging you for being a fairweather friend though.

[Anonymous]

You should go for your MIL. It would be better if you had someone to watch your kids. In my country young kids don't generally attend funerals, and yours are pretty young, imo, for attending a funeral of not an immediate family member. I think you have to remember(somethings many people on DCUM lack) is that you are MIL's family. I think she also probably worries that her other family will think it weird that her DIL doesn't show up. Is there a way to get somebody to watch the kids, there or at home?

[Anonymous]

Op here. Yes, this was more of an etiquette question. Specifically because the 5 year old will have some very serious questions for me after said funeral. I am fine with that and will be prepared. The 3 year old will likely walk into the room and loudly ask if he's sleeping. Anyway, neither of my parents would ever in a million years ask me to take my kids to any of their cousins funerals. MIL likely wants to show off the only grandchildren she has that would ever in a million years attend. We're her only hope for support immediate family support. I really like the sentiment of teaching the kids that we "show up." Regardless, I told DH this is totally his call and I will support whatever he decides. Thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, this was more of an etiquette question. Specifically because the 5 year old will have some very serious questions for me after said funeral. I am fine with that and will be prepared. The 3 year old will likely walk into the room and loudly ask if he's sleeping. Anyway, neither of my parents would ever in a million years ask me to take my kids to any of their cousins funerals. MIL likely wants to show off the only grandchildren she has that would ever in a million years attend. We're her only hope for support immediate family support. I really like the sentiment of teaching the kids that we "show up." Regardless, I told DH this is totally his call and I will support whatever he decides. Thank you

You know what Opie I don't understand either why mother-in-law ask you to go. Because frankly you sound like a class A jerk. A real live jerk. And goody gum drops for your damn mama if she doesn't have people she feels will show up for her and she's willing to ask for their support during a time of grieving I imagine she would not ask you either because once again we come back to the fact that you are a jerk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, this was more of an etiquette question. Specifically because the 5 year old will have some very serious questions for me after said funeral. I am fine with that and will be prepared. The 3 year old will likely walk into the room and loudly ask if he's sleeping. Anyway, neither of my parents would ever in a million years ask me to take my kids to any of their cousins funerals. MIL likely wants to show off the only grandchildren she has that would ever in a million years attend. We're her only hope for support immediate family support. I really like the sentiment of teaching the kids that we "show up." Regardless, I told DH this is totally his call and I will support whatever he decides. Thank you

I'm the 'show up' pp and FWIW if you are referring to the wake I don't think you need to take the kids to that. The reception that everyone's talking about is the most important.

But if you're talking about the ceremony really don't worry. My daughter was like 18 months when my grandmother had her funeral and towards the end they said something like, "let's join Mary on the journey to her final resting place with a moment of silence" and my daughter let out the loudest squawk. People loved it it was moment of levity

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

Beautifully said.

Does it also mean being free to make your own decisions about you and your children, and not dictating or making demands of other peoples’ time?

Of course you're free to make your own decisions. You're not inoculated from your family judging you for being a fairweather friend though.

Sounds like a judgy family. Probably not worth going to the trouble for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

Beautifully said.

Does it also mean being free to make your own decisions about you and your children, and not dictating or making demands of other peoples’ time?

Of course you're free to make your own decisions. You're not inoculated from your family judging you for being a fairweather friend though.

Sounds like a judgy family. Probably not worth going to the trouble for.

If you never show up for others don't hold out hope they'll show up for you

[Anonymous]

Let your husband attend but you stay home with your kids. Or, get a sitter and you both go but no way would I bring my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let your husband attend but you stay home with your kids. Or, get a sitter and you both go but no way would I bring my kids.

+1

I don't think funerals are for children. For the living - yes, living adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. Yes, this was more of an etiquette question. Specifically because the 5 year old will have some very serious questions for me after said funeral. I am fine with that and will be prepared. The 3 year old will likely walk into the room and loudly ask if he's sleeping. Anyway, neither of my parents would ever in a million years ask me to take my kids to any of their cousins funerals. MIL likely wants to show off the only grandchildren she has that would ever in a million years attend. We're her only hope for support immediate family support. I really like the sentiment of teaching the kids that we "show up." Regardless, I told DH this is totally his call and I will support whatever he decides. Thank you

Putting myself in your MILs shoes, she wants the kids there to help remind her of the future. You know when cousins start to die, the next thought is I'm next. MIL may want to show the grandkids off too but I think part of it is to help her face her own mortality, if that makes sense. Having grandkids is all about legacy and living on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, too many degrees of separation. You don't go, kids don't go.

Sounds like your MIL is grieving and feeling nostalgic, which is understandable, but she needs a better way to deal with her grief than to live out her "meet the cousins" dream on young children who really have nothing to do with the deceased.

OP should go.

What a bad suggestion.

OP, you go because you are close family to MIL. You are there to show support to her.

Your kids stay home with a sitter. They are too young and too removed from this situation.

If this were your husband's cousin they should go but not for his 2nd cousin.

Ignore the advice above. Her suggestion is very bad form.

[Anonymous]

I just took my 6 and 3 year olds to the funeral for my grandparent, who they knew and loved. They were both well behaved at the funeral itself and the family loved seeing them at the reception. When my oldest was 3, we took him to a funeral of a more distant relative, at my MIL’s request. He couldn’t sit still or be quiet and I ended up taking outside of the church for the actual funeral. In your case, I would at least bring them to the reception if you don’t think they will be well behaved at the funeral. A baby or toddler cooing is one thing, my 3yo trying to climb over pews and shouting about his paw patrol toys, not so much.