MIL's cousin died

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not innapropriate to go or to ask you to go.

It's not innapropriate for you to send DH instead but MIL isn't doing anything wrong.

Children are frequently a happy light in a funeral. They dont understand enough to feel sad and generally make the old people happy. I would send your kids. Mine are 2 and 10 months. My 2 year old has been to 3 funerals (two of my grandparents and one uncle) and they were nothing but positive presences.

I would try to make it sound a bit less like you're making a decision to preserve your memorial day weekend fun though regardless of what it is. Someone is dead and MIL is grieving. No one cares or should care about your ruined bbq plans.

OP has a 5 year old. My almost 5 year old would absolutely understand that someone died and would be sad about it and probably anxious for a long time afterwards. My 3 year old would be sad too and cry when other people cried. It may be different when they’re just babies, but at 5 years old it’s inappropriate to expect them to go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not innapropriate to go or to ask you to go.

It's not innapropriate for you to send DH instead but MIL isn't doing anything wrong.

Children are frequently a happy light in a funeral. They dont understand enough to feel sad and generally make the old people happy. I would send your kids. Mine are 2 and 10 months. My 2 year old has been to 3 funerals (two of my grandparents and one uncle) and they were nothing but positive presences.

I would try to make it sound a bit less like you're making a decision to preserve your memorial day weekend fun though regardless of what it is. Someone is dead and MIL is grieving. No one cares or should care about your ruined bbq plans.

I get what you're trying to say, but were I the MIL, I would totally care about whether I disturbed my DIL's plans and whether my DIL was close enough to *me* that I could request her presence to a funeral she didn't have to go to.

Yeah because as a mother-in-law when someone dies someone that you may be closest to the most important thing is barbecue in somebody else's do you know just regular plans .

[Anonymous]

Your MIL doesn't get to dictate anything, OP.

Either send your DH; or bring the kids, and everyone goes. It's only an hour away. But it is your decision, not the MILs decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not innapropriate to go or to ask you to go.

It's not innapropriate for you to send DH instead but MIL isn't doing anything wrong.

Children are frequently a happy light in a funeral. They dont understand enough to feel sad and generally make the old people happy. I would send your kids. Mine are 2 and 10 months. My 2 year old has been to 3 funerals (two of my grandparents and one uncle) and they were nothing but positive presences.

I would try to make it sound a bit less like you're making a decision to preserve your memorial day weekend fun though regardless of what it is. Someone is dead and MIL is grieving. No one cares or should care about your ruined bbq plans.

I get what you're trying to say, but were I the MIL, I would totally care about whether I disturbed my DIL's plans and whether my DIL was close enough to *me* that I could request her presence to a funeral she didn't have to go to.

I do not believe people grieving a death should do too much thinking of who might be inconvenienced by a funeral. Wtf kind of mentality is that?

[Anonymous]

I'd go to the gathering after, in the church hall or wherever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's not innapropriate to go or to ask you to go.

It's not innapropriate for you to send DH instead but MIL isn't doing anything wrong.

Children are frequently a happy light in a funeral. They dont understand enough to feel sad and generally make the old people happy. I would send your kids. Mine are 2 and 10 months. My 2 year old has been to 3 funerals (two of my grandparents and one uncle) and they were nothing but positive presences.

I would try to make it sound a bit less like you're making a decision to preserve your memorial day weekend fun though regardless of what it is. Someone is dead and MIL is grieving. No one cares or should care about your ruined bbq plans.

OP has a 5 year old. My almost 5 year old would absolutely understand that someone died and would be sad about it and probably anxious for a long time afterwards. My 3 year old would be sad too and cry when other people cried. It may be different when they’re just babies, but at 5 years old it’s inappropriate to expect them to go.

I'm pp. In the last decade I've lost 4 grandparents one uncle one sibling and one parent. That is life. Honestly I would say that letting kids see it from a distance when it's not someone they love deeply is a fairly good introduction to something that is an unavoidable part of life.

In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

It's fine for op to not go but it's ridiculous to say children shouldn't go to funerals or that it's inconvenient for someone to die around memorial day. My brother died around memorial day, I'm grateful that my friends and family showed up to support me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Funerals are for the living, not the deceased. You often go to support your loved ones when they are grieving a loss. Which isn't to say you have to go, but the fact you didn't know the cousin isn't the reason not to.

+1 and mom of older kids here. It's good for your kids to be exposed to funerals, *especially* if they don't know or care about the person who died. It's setting the stage for when someone they care about dies. It's a learning experience for them. And you tell them what to expect. So I'm coming at it from a self-serving perspective, OP...it's good for your kids, for you to take them.

[Anonymous]

I took my young kids to the funeral of a cousin of my spouse. My kids had never met the cousin but it was important to the family to be there. And, years later, it’s still important tht we were there. It was a major inconvenience - we had to travel five hours and get a hotel with a one year old and two other ES aged kids. But it wasn’t a hardship. I have always been glad that we were there to support our family.

[Anonymous]

1 hour to travel each way, on Memorial Day (make that 1.5 hours) to someone I have met 1x and 3 and 5 year old children have never met? No.

[Anonymous]

Would your husband like you to be there with him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I took my young kids to the funeral of a cousin of my spouse. My kids had never met the cousin but it was important to the family to be there. And, years later, it’s still important tht we were there. It was a major inconvenience - we had to travel five hours and get a hotel with a one year old and two other ES aged kids. But it wasn’t a hardship. I have always been glad that we were there to support our family.

+1 That's what you do for family!

[Anonymous]

No need for you or you little one to go. It wouldn’t even be weird if your DH to go, but if he wanted to go for his mother, that makes sense too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

Beautifully said.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

In my family loving family means showing up when it's hard and showing up when it's happy. My kids will learn that we're the kind of people who show up. Ive yet to regret setting that example or living my life in that way.

Beautifully said.

Does it also mean being free to make your own decisions about you and your children, and not dictating or making demands of other peoples’ time?

[Anonymous]

If it's important to her that you be there, I would be there.

It's only an hour trip to and from. It's not like you have to stay overnight or anything. The funeral will bring other family members into the area so this might be one of the rare opportunities that you have to meet everyone.

Go. You'll be glad you did.