Cannot say I am the love of her life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Barbara Bush—a fine and decent woman— would have almost certainly described George HW as the love of her life (and vice versa). Very few couples will achieve that type of love and partnership but it is certainly worth aspiring to. Nothing immature or fake about what Barbara and George HW Bush had together.

Do/did you know them personally?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I have gone through a rough patch over the last five years or so and are thinking through whether and how to move forward. I asked her whether I was the love of her life, and she responded that she doesn’t think in those terms and doesn’t know how to answer that question. She cannot say I am, but she cannot say that any prior love was either. I told her that she is without a doubt the love of my life (thus far)as I have never loved anyone as deeply as I have loved her. We have been together for 20 years.

If she cannot say this about me, I am inclined to skip the tedium of trying to make it work and instead go look elsewhere. I recognize that I may not find a person who feels that way about me, in which case I will just have fun only dating and never be so tied down to one relationship again.

Recognizing that, like most affairs of the heart this area is quite dubjective, I am interested in thoughtful comments about whether I am being unreasonable or otherwise wrongheaded here, or whether her inability to say that I am the love of her life is a signal that it may be time to move on.

Why are you creating a fake litmus test?

[Anonymous]

I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

OK so you seem to have lost some people with the use of the phrase "love of your life." But it sounds like you just want to know if she still loves you and still wants to build a life with you. It's a legitimate question, and it sounds like after the past several years it's not at all clear that she still does. The more direct route may be to say (if true): "I love you, I want us to be together, but I can't always tell if you want that too. Will you let me know if you don't so I know where I stand?"

[Anonymous]

Who cheated?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Who cheated?

This. You aren't the hate of her life if you are still stuck together after 20 years. Framing your decision of whether to stay/move on around this one (flowery, meaningless) turn of phrase is childish and pedantic- what a weird hill to die on now. If this is the usual crap you perseverate on/can't get past, no wonder she is over this question.

Respect her honesty and decide if you can build on that. Decide to move on or deal with the issues at hand, not this bunnytrail.

And yes, I'd say this to a man or woman. You've annoyed the piss out of each other. Now you want to throw "am I the love of your life" into this chex mix of squabbles? Least of your worries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

She's still with you. Give it a rest, sound very immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, all the women who are telling you that you're being unreasonable would scream "DIVORCE HIM NOW!" if a woman complained that her husband refused to say she was the love of his life.

+ 1

[Anonymous]

Thank god my husband hasn't asked me the same thing.

[Anonymous]

Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

Well, well said. We all want this and most of us realize we don't have it. The timing didn't work out well, we didn't realize who our true love was until too late, or the person who inspired the most passion in us wasn't the right fit for other reasons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm with her. "Love of your life" is a tired trope. Focus on your real world issues, not some fairy tale ideal like the zing of a first kiss that lasts forever. Time to build an adult relationship.

This. Focus on what you want, what you feel, and don't get hung up on framing it all that way.

+1 Some people interpret "love of my life" as the person they were the most crazy for, that person you just can't live without. That's how it's romanticized in our culture. I can categorically say DH is not the romantic partner that fits this definition. That would be my super awful boyfriend from my early 20s. I would tolerate any amount of crap from that dude because "I loooooooove him!" And I spent years being miserable trying to make it work with him because I was convinced he was The One and I could not imagine life without him. It was pure desperation, not love, and a heavy dose of fear of being without him. I thank my lucky stars that he eventually dumped me because it was such a terrible relationship.

I never drive myself crazy with DH because... I don't have to. I'm with him not because I can't imagine life without him, there's no desperation, I'm with him because I want to be. I know I would ultimately be ok without him so it's not fear keeping me here. I'm with him because I love him, he loves me, and we are good for/to/with each other. But that doesn't fix the sexy, over the top definition of "love of my life" that the romantic comedies of my youth told me was the brass ring I should be striving for.

I’m mostly responding to this because I could have written the whole thing. All of it. And every word is true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

This could fly except OP seems to be looking for reasons to be upset. He knows his wife, and he knows if she is the "love of my life" type or not. It's like he gave her a test he knew she'd fail, and now wants to use that as the reason for ending the marriage. That's weak sauce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Very few people get to marry and live with the love of their life. Those are very lucky people. People who call it "silly" and "immature" are actually threatened by the concept because they have already compromised and are aware that it's not in the cards for them. Their competitive nature chooses to throw cold water on the concept because people living in such a relationship are in the best position fundamentally and those in "mature" aka "passionless" relationships are in a inferior position. There is nothing unusual about feeling dissapointed deep inside about not marrying the love of your life.

NP.

You're definitely on to something. But it doesn't negate what other PPs have said. It is tremendously immature of OP to write what he did - that if she doesn't feel he's the love of HER life, then he's going to break up with her, dammit! That's...man, that is super immature and pathetic. I question even the legitimacy of OP's statement that she's the love of HIS life since he's so willing to dump her based on his view of what constitutes appropriate reciprocity. I suspect he's full of crap, high maintenance, and a pain in the ass to be married to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am OP. If we were happy and things were going well I would not be considering leaving over this. But the fact is that for many years we have had a variety of issues and I’m just trying to decide is this worth investing time and energy into. Not so much a litmus test as an attempt to get valuable information from her regarding our relationship and how she views me.

OK so you seem to have lost some people with the use of the phrase "love of your life." But it sounds like you just want to know if she still loves you and still wants to build a life with you. It's a legitimate question, and it sounds like after the past several years it's not at all clear that she still does. The more direct route may be to say (if true): "I love you, I want us to be together, but I can't always tell if you want that too. Will you let me know if you don't so I know where I stand?"

I think a more direct question is what’s needed. The “love of life” means different things to different people. DW may not be a romantic, may not believe that there is only one person in the whole universe that is right for you, or maybe after the rough patch she can’t say that she can’t live without you because she had to confront the real possibility that it might not be a choice. If she had said either she wasn’t in love with you, never loved you, or should have married the one that got away - those would be clear indications to cut bait but she didn’t say those things.

My mom would actually warn me about a boyfriend that said things like he could never live without me. Perhaps overly romantic or perhaps a sign that he would go crazy if you try to leave him or he sees you talking to another guy. So like a PP said so well, I make a choice to be with DH. If he decides to make a different choice, I would still continue to live and try to find happiness in life.