WWYD. African American student, academically gifted, socially awkward, thinking of schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP -- I wouldn't stretch financially for a school if you have a great public school that will meet your child's academic and emotional needs, just based on scores of other African America kids in the school or "cluster".

At least not for the first few grades -- not until you see what is going on in the school, and talk with the teachers and principals to see what expectations are.

Do the African American kids in your child's cluster come from similar socio-economic backgrounds as the white and Asian kids? As your kids?

Good question, the AA children seem to come from a lower socio-economic background.

[Anonymous]

OP, I would just work hard at getting over what it is that makes me feel awkward

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I would just work hard at getting over what it is that makes me feel awkward

PP, I'm white and I think you don't get it.

[Anonymous]

I can only give advice from the perspective of an AA female that could probably have been described as socially awkward. For me the most important thing was stability. Having kids that knew me from early on both in school and outside of school made me feel more comfortable in my own skin. Once I switched schools in 3rd grade (moved) and then again to private school in 7th grade it was a rough road. The elementary school was primarily African-American so the kids that were already in GT etc. were looking at me like "who is this new girl that is getting the teacher's attention". After 3 years I was starting to be accepted but by that point it was time to go to junior high and quite honestly I had to worry about being in fights if someone didn't like the new girl. In private school it was nice being in an environment where everyone was expected to do well but there was the wealth issue - it was a whole new world of being invited to someone's house for a sleepover and it is basically a mansion, the brand name clothes, people exchanging $50 brand name sweaters as Christmas gifts with their best friend in middle school etc. There was also back then the issue of inter-racial dating - as in it really wasn't that common so the dating pool was limited to either the other few AA student or no one which is pretty rough for the self-esteem. Then among the other AA students there was a social ladder. Most of us were middle-class and all rode the same bus/came from the same neighborhood but once we got to the campus it was almost like there was a subtle competition. There could only be the one or two cool black friends to the popular crowd so if one person was already in that circle they wanted to make sure you stayed out of the circle and would give you a hard time. Ironically the AA kids that seemed to be with the in crowd were the ones that had been at the private school from the younger grades so they basically had that history with some of the kids.

I can't say if private school is the answer but I think you want to find other AA families with a similar academic bent as yourself and boys around your son's age. If he has the success of having friends that have similar goals and share the same background if faced with a situation when someone is saying something is wrong with him for example because he does well in school, he at least can question maybe the problem is with that person since he has other friends that are like him. As for peer pressure - my mom didn't take any crap - we were way more worried about dealing with her than fitting in. Yes, we wanted to fit in - but it couldn't be something that would get us in trouble at home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I can't say if private school is the answer but I think you want to find other AA families with a similar academic bent as yourself and boys around your son's age. If he has the success of having friends that have similar goals and share the same background if faced with a situation when someone is saying something is wrong with him for example because he does well in school, he at least can question maybe the problem is with that person since he has other friends that are like him. As for peer pressure - my mom didn't take any crap - we were way more worried about dealing with her than fitting in. Yes, we wanted to fit in - but it couldn't be something that would get us in trouble at home.

OP here, this is the big issue. If I can find an environment, public or private, where nearly all of the AA families take education seriously, REGARDLESS of their child's IQ, I would be happy.

[Anonymous]

Another AA female here (with two girls in DCPS) and I totally identify with the experience of 22:40. My story differs slighty though. The private school I went to for high school was full of artsy types. Although the families were wealthy most of the kids pushed back against it.

At our DCPS school we have been able to find other AA families with the same mindset. I had not thought of it before but I think the stability factor - being in school with the same kids since PK/K - is a tremendous boost. Plus we attend our neighborhood school and even if kids drift off to different schools, I am hopeful that they can continue some of those relationships well into high school. That kind of stability was missing in my own academic history. IMHO having to make a bunch of transitions to different schools can be counter productive.

[Anonymous]

To the original poster, I'm in a very similar situation as you but with an AA daughter that will enter K next year. I hope I'm understanding your question because I've been giving this question some thought for the last couple of years. So I'm glad to know someone has this same dilemna. But I'm wondering how do you know your son will gravitate toward the other AA students instead of the white or asian ones. At his age, I think parental involvement is going to be key. You'll have to access based on whatever criteria you choose, which other children to invite over for a playdate, which families to try to be-friend, which invites to turn down. I think at this age, it's going to be hard to tell what qualities are going to appeal enough to him to attract him to friends. Is it that you want him to have AA friends? My niece and nephew both went thru this and they gravitated toward the non AA children. If you want him to have AA friends that are in his same socio-economic status, then you may have to look for that elsewhere, thru church, summer camps, sports, etc.

[Anonymous]

My now 5 and 8 year-old kids, when they entered the MCPS, interestingly did not make their choices of friends on the basis of race or color. Though gender seemed a factor early on. The boys associated with boys. That's changing now. I found this observation fascinating. We as parents did not intervene in their choice of school friends except to repeatedly counsel them against moving around with children that made poor decisions and choices. Over time they did ask questions about brown and white skin colors but I was amazed at the pure innocence and lack of bias in their inquiries. Their friendships seemed based on common interests (e.g., swim team, chess club, math club, dinosaurs, cars, computers) . Of course, their friendships out of school are shaped by the friends of the family; however, as a parent I remain comfortable with not dictating whom my children choose to associate with provided they are not children that continually make poor decisions/choices. Living in our household they are growing to understand what poor decisions and choices mean. They play by our home rules as parents and supervisory adults. We expect them to gravitate towards children that do the same in school under the supervision of other adults (listen and abide the rules). The public school these children attend is about 3% AA, 40% Asian, a similar 3 % Hispanic and the rest Caucasian and new immigrants. Both kids have a hodge-podge of friends of all colors, races, ethnicities, religions and tongues. While teachers and school leadership do not reflect the diversity of the student body (predominant Caucasoid) we do not perceive our children to be at a disadvantage because of 3% AAs. The only caution, secondary to preconceived notions, is vigilant advocacy for our children in this system. The insurance against the system failing your children is to get outside validation of their ongoing intellectual and academic growth to negotiate your educational plans with the teacher and principal.

Thus, in our family context and my children's social, emotional and intellectual needs and development, the number of AAs in the school (private or public) is immaterial. Of course, one size does not fit all.

[Anonymous]

I have skimmed most of these posts, and I am a little confused. Is it the OP who said she is white? Are we talking about an AA child in an AA family, or a transracially adopted or biracial child with a white mom? I ask because it may make a difference in how and with whom the child identifies. An AA child in an AA family is getting role models and reinforcement at home, sees hismelf reflected in his parents, etc. An AA in white family may seek out other AA kids, and AA kids, in a search for identity and feeling the same. Also, if an AA child in a school situation with very few AAs feels any isolation or discrimination, that child goes home to a family that looks like him. A transracially adopted AA child feeling racially isolated or discrimianted against at school goes home to parents who (while loving him), look like the people isolating and discriminating against him. I may be compeltely off base here. Also, I support transracial adoption, I just think it brings an added layer of consideration in choosing schools.

[Anonymous]

AA mother, AA child.

[Anonymous]

14:44 here again. Ok, knowing both parent and child are AA changes my answer. I am an AA woman who grew up in a town that was fairly diverse racially and economically. I was shy and very bright. I don't know how our school test scores looked as a whole, but I know I scored in the 99th percentile all the time (as my parents expected me to). As I got older, it became more common for me to be the only AA in my classes, despite the fact that the school was 30% AA. Sometimes there were two of us. But each grade had a couple of AA kids like me, and a larger number who were so-so students, but not terrible students or troublemakers. It helped that I lived in the same town my whole childhood and attended school with the same kids throughout. Those of us whose parents had high expectations for behavior and/or school performance lived up to our families' expectations. We were able to be friendly with the other AA kids to some extent, but I for one didn't spend much time with the very low achieving or troublesome kids because we weren't in the same classes and had little in common. Also, economic status did not necessarily correlate with academic success for teh AA students. Those from affluent families did well for the most part, but so did several of us (including myself) who came from more working class backgrounds.

[Anonymous]

What are you advising then?

[Anonymous]

I guess I am advising not to worry too much about the test scores. With a critical mass of AA students, if the school is a good school overall, bright AA students can succeed. Parental influence and expectations are what makes the difference. Those bright AA students may not be the most popular kids in school, but that is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Very interesting thread. A few posters have suggested the importance of constant parental advocacy for AA kids to help make sure the school is a partner in the child's academic success. As an AA mother of an AA son who has just started kindergarten in MCPS, I'd like to get any suggestions you may have about parental advocacy. (I've actually been wondering about the appropriate level of contact with teachers at this stage. It's so different from preschool when we'd see and chat with the teacher once or twice a day and were always well informed about our son's progress and behavior.) This may a bit off topic, but I'd appreciate any suggestions regarding parental advocacy, especially at the kindergarten level.

[Anonymous]

I am one AA parent who believes that we have to go out of our way to make sure that our kids over perform early on. That should help break the stereotyping that teachers can have, and might lead to positive reinforcement that can go a very long way.
I made sure that both of my dc's were reading before starting school (one is very average academically). I worked tirelessly making sure that they had good understanding of math concepts before starting school. An extra push can't hurt.