SAHM division of duties

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all the important things such as thank you notes, sending flowers and other gifts, organizing parties, organizing the social calendar. DH works outside the home. I hire help for the kids and house cleaning. Now that the kids are in school It is easier because I can visit with friends during the day. I never feel like my DH does his fair share.

Ummm... you hired help for kids when they weren’t in school but didn’t work? Does your husband “visit with friends” during the day or you know, earn money to support you? Disgusting.

You know that person was being snarky, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry I'm meant to say if you do NOT work outside the home.

If you do not work outside the home, you should consider household management and day-today tasks your job. Major projects will be a cooperative effort, but the day to day drudgery is all yours.

If my husband came home from work to eat the dinner I made for the family and then sat his butt on the couch for the rest of the night while I cleaned the kitchen and put the kids to bed, we would have some issues.

The main issue being you need to go out and get a job if you arent willing to do the work at home.

I do the vast majority of the work at home. But we are a team, we put in the same working hours and the same play hours. He may be bringing home the paycheck, but he couldn't bring home nearly the size paycheck he does if he didn't have me at home backing him up on childcare issues, etc., so I'm indirectly contributing to the paycheck as well (which he freely acknowledges, so don't bother trying to argue that point).

But fortunately he's not a knuckle-dragger, so you may not be able to relate.

[Anonymous]

I do every single thing as it relates to the kids. Teachers, busses, sports, teams, carpools, extracurriculars, summer camps, babysitters, clothing, furniture, drs etc. He helps with games on the weekends as he isn't reliably home during the week.
I clean the house and do all of the laundry. Every other week I have a full housecleaning done by our cleaners.
I buy everything for the house, from large to small purchases.
I handle our investments and long term planning.
I cook every meal we eat at home.
I handle all of our social obligations, from making friends to setting up events. Thank you cards (every single card written in 13 years, actually) etc. Presents. Parties. Country Club, all me.
I seem to be responsible for our families interests, as outside of work he doesn't have many anymore.

I'm also independently wealthy and am starting to wonder why I'm married at all. I could do all of that on my own with zero compromise?

[Anonymous]

If my husband came home from work to eat the dinner I made for the family and then sat his butt on the couch for the rest of the night while I cleaned the kitchen and put the kids to bed, we would have some issues.


The main issue being you need to go out and get a job if you arent willing to do the work at home.

But during the day, while her Dh is at his workplace, she is at hers. She does the childcare and housework during the day. In the evening, after they have both worked a full day, they can split the clean up and child care. I work out of the home but would never agree to SAHM if my spouse thought staying home meant I had to work 15 hours more a week than he did and he got to opt out of parenting.

[Anonymous]

Going tit-for-tat on household duties doesn't work and will only lead to resentment and arguing.
We both know what needs to get done and we just do it. I don't begrudge Dh for never doing laundry bc he does the car stuff. I hate doing laundry, but also know the car stuff needs to get done and that's an un-fun chore to do.

[Anonymous]

I WAH full time and do childcare at the same time. Where do I fit in? Do I get to double dip, because that’s not how it works? I’m the one home, so I can pop in a load of laundry, answer my emails, and feed DD lunch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I WAH full time and do childcare at the same time. Where do I fit in? Do I get to double dip, because that’s not how it works? I’m the one home, so I can pop in a load of laundry, answer my emails, and feed DD lunch.

If you work full time your employer may not be ok with. You providing childcare too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH full time and do childcare at the same time. Where do I fit in? Do I get to double dip, because that’s not how it works? I’m the one home, so I can pop in a load of laundry, answer my emails, and feed DD lunch.

If you work full time your employer may not be ok with. You providing childcare too.

It was a strange attempted humblebrag but just falls flat as no one believes that you can WAH FT and provide quality interaction with your kids at the same time. So you just fail both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do every single thing as it relates to the kids. Teachers, busses, sports, teams, carpools, extracurriculars, summer camps, babysitters, clothing, furniture, drs etc. He helps with games on the weekends as he isn't reliably home during the week.
I clean the house and do all of the laundry. Every other week I have a full housecleaning done by our cleaners.
I buy everything for the house, from large to small purchases.
I handle our investments and long term planning.
I cook every meal we eat at home.
I handle all of our social obligations, from making friends to setting up events. Thank you cards (every single card written in 13 years, actually) etc. Presents. Parties. Country Club, all me.
I seem to be responsible for our families interests, as outside of work he doesn't have many anymore.

I'm also independently wealthy and am starting to wonder why I'm married at all. I could do all of that on my own with zero compromise?

Same exact thing here except I nor my spouse are independently wealthy and I work full-time for $300k/year.
I feel like my spouse has checked out and is a child. and an unappreciative one who cannot learn a thing child at that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all the important things such as thank you notes, sending flowers and other gifts, organizing parties, organizing the social calendar. DH works outside the home. I hire help for the kids and house cleaning. Now that the kids are in school It is easier because I can visit with friends during the day. I never feel like my DH does his fair share.

Ummm... you hired help for kids when they weren’t in school but didn’t work? Does your husband “visit with friends” during the day or you know, earn money to support you? Disgusting.

You know that person was being snarky, right?

Umm, doubt that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do all the important things such as thank you notes, sending flowers and other gifts, organizing parties, organizing the social calendar. DH works outside the home. I hire help for the kids and house cleaning. Now that the kids are in school It is easier because I can visit with friends during the day. I never feel like my DH does his fair share.

Ummm... you hired help for kids when they weren’t in school but didn’t work? Does your husband “visit with friends” during the day or you know, earn money to support you? Disgusting.

NP. And while I think that PP you’re responding to is trolling, many SAHMs of young kids have childcare help during the week. I have a kid in preschool and the other in 10 hrs of a babysitting share per week. If the family can afford it, what’s the issue?

None unless you complain that he doesn’t pull his weight.

[Anonymous]

Long range perspective: when married without kids, it was 50-50. We were same income, similar hours/career stress. SAHM for decades: I did all household management. We have never had cleaners. On weekends he did the lawn care. Inside and out, we do an adequate average job I'd say of upkeep but never stellar. Retired now, we're back to 50-50 though it's more like housemates w/benefits. We're each more particular re: eating/grocery shopping. We tend to care for ourselves. We mostly eat together usually but have fixed different things. He still does much more of the lawn work. I was using the lawn mower for awhile but it exasperated a shoulder injury. I do more of some-of the cleaning, but I won't think he's ever cleaned a toilet, for example. Bill paying went back-and-forth in the early years before agreement that I focused on it better though we now benefit from profession tax/investment advice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH full time and do childcare at the same time. Where do I fit in? Do I get to double dip, because that’s not how it works? I’m the one home, so I can pop in a load of laundry, answer my emails, and feed DD lunch.

If you work full time your employer may not be ok with. You providing childcare too.

My employer knows and is fine with the arrangement (in fact they are the ones who offered it), as I get all my tasks done, even if after hours. Most of my work is not time sensitive, just needs to be done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I WAH full time and do childcare at the same time. Where do I fit in? Do I get to double dip, because that’s not how it works? I’m the one home, so I can pop in a load of laundry, answer my emails, and feed DD lunch.

If you work full time your employer may not be ok with. You providing childcare too.

My employer knows and is fine with the arrangement, given I get all my stuff done (much of which is not time sensitive).

How does it work? What are the kids doing while you're working?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW and I just get done what needs to get done. I like to cook and don't mind cleaning because I like a clean house more than she does. She loves to cook so she does more of it. I take care of the household stuff, which usually involves hiring a contractor. I probably spend more time with the kids because they're boys and play sports.

When something seems out of balance, we discuss it and adjust.

I swear I think you are my husband.