Husband has been messaging many women

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd get screenshots of everything with my phone.

OP, do this immediately. Screenshots of everything, painful as it will be to do, and then I'd copy those shots onto a flash drive and hide it where he can't find it and possibly with someone you trust so it's outside the house. Then see if you can locate him on Tinder or other sites (clear the search history so he can't see where you've been searching). You're still in shock, of course, but you need evidence, whether you use it to get him into couples therapy with you, or you use it in divorce proceedings. He may try to erase profiles online if you tell him what you know before you do screen captures. I'm sorry you're experiencing this. But you now need to get evidence so he can't claim you're overreacting or fabricating things.

[Anonymous]

OP, a word of advice from one who has been there: what you arevseeing is just the tip of the iceberg, but don't waste time trying to figure out how big the iceberg is or what it looks like under the water line. Just the fact that you have seen the tip is enough to know how dangerous it is. Divorce as soon as you can get an attorney and a plan in place. Therapy and recovery might be possible if it were a one time incident, and even then only with radical honesty and self-work, but that is not what you have seen. Multiple women, instant contact and the secrecy all spell deep, deep dysfunction.

Get out while you can still minimize the damage and don't waste any of your time trying to "work through" this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this immediate grounds for divorce?

Ues

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids together?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband left his Facebook messenger open and I snooped. So what.

I found out he has been messaging over 20 plus women. Long conversations. Many flirty. Most live out of town and no plans to meet up but this is stunning. It’s like a whole double life. It’s obvious he’s starving for attention and getting these women to dawn over him. Lots of pictures. Gym pics. Selfies. No naked pictures but many suggestive. Mostly him asking them to send to him. He’s always been a narcissistic attention whore. With all people. Disgusting.

This sucks OP, but I guess this means it doesn't come as a surprise, right? Narcissistic attention whores don't just up and change

[Anonymous]

This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. I’m sorry, OP. Don’t waste energy trying to figure out why he’s doing this or why they respond to him. Collect the evidence, get a lawyer. You will be okay, I promise. What an ass!

[Anonymous]

Someone asked how did you meet these women, it turns out most of them are friends of his friends. Some of them are just randoms that he just initiated contact and for some reason, it may be his good looks they just responded.

[Anonymous]

OP, that is gross. And the fact that he just brazenly approached them is freaky.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is one of the worst things I’ve ever read on here. I’m sorry, OP. Don’t waste energy trying to figure out why he’s doing this or why they respond to him. Collect the evidence, get a lawyer. You will be okay, I promise. What an ass!

Agreed. This is a lot worse than one affair.

[Anonymous]

So, OP is a cold shrew of a wife who doesn't even have a basic level of respect for her husband, and he copes by indulging in online fantasy role play with women he will never meet, so he can have some level of positive interaction in his daily life? Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Husband left his Facebook messenger open and I snooped. So what.

I found out he has been messaging over 20 plus women. Long conversations. Many flirty. Most live out of town and no plans to meet up but this is stunning. It’s like a whole double life. It’s obvious he’s starving for attention and getting these women to dawn over him. Lots of pictures. Gym pics. Selfies. No naked pictures but many suggestive. Mostly him asking them to send to him. He’s always been a narcissistic attention whore. With all people. Disgusting.

Did you get fat

[Anonymous]

Did YOU?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has too much time on his hands and/or you're not paying him enough attention. .

In my 20s I had an affair with an older married man. Huge mistake but that's another story. Looking back I can tell his wife was MIA and was focused on everything except for him. So many men and women simply want attention. Not saying it's right or justified, but it seems like human nature. If your husband is communicating with this many women he also has too much time. The married man I was with spent hours talking to me and now in old age I realize how strange it is that he could give me this much time.

NP here. It takes two people to maintain a marriage. The problem with marrying a narcissist is that they don't pull their weight. They expect you to do all the childcare, taking care of the house/yard, and taking care of them. I am divorcing one now. Getting anything I needed from the marriage was worse than major surgery. According to him, he was perfect and didn't have to change a single thing he was doing, but I had to change everything about myself. If the wife is MIA, he's also equally not taking care of her. You basically try to lead your own happy life in spite of the fact that the other person is trying to make you miserable on purpose. They try to drive you crazy, so you have to distance yourself from them in order to protect your self and your sanity. He gave you that much time, because it was his choice to do so. Not because his wife wasn't taking care of him. He was "love-bombing" you and showering you with positive attention. They do that and they are very good at it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has too much time on his hands and/or you're not paying him enough attention. .

In my 20s I had an affair with an older married man. Huge mistake but that's another story. Looking back I can tell his wife was MIA and was focused on everything except for him. So many men and women simply want attention. Not saying it's right or justified, but it seems like human nature. If your husband is communicating with this many women he also has too much time. The married man I was with spent hours talking to me and now in old age I realize how strange it is that he could give me this much time.

NP here. It takes two people to maintain a marriage. The problem with marrying a narcissist is that they don't pull their weight. They expect you to do all the childcare, taking care of the house/yard, and taking care of them. I am divorcing one now. Getting anything I needed from the marriage was worse than major surgery. According to him, he was perfect and didn't have to change a single thing he was doing, but I had to change everything about myself. If the wife is MIA, he's also equally not taking care of her. You basically try to lead your own happy life in spite of the fact that the other person is trying to make you miserable on purpose. They try to drive you crazy, so you have to distance yourself from them in order to protect your self and your sanity. He gave you that much time, because it was his choice to do so. Not because his wife wasn't taking care of him. He was "love-bombing" you and showering you with positive attention. They do that and they are very good at it.

How do you know he was a narcissist? You paint the wife as innocent and 100 percent the victim and claim the man has a personality disorder. Can you not imagine there might be men out there who cheat because they are unhappy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has too much time on his hands and/or you're not paying him enough attention. .

In my 20s I had an affair with an older married man. Huge mistake but that's another story. Looking back I can tell his wife was MIA and was focused on everything except for him. So many men and women simply want attention. Not saying it's right or justified, but it seems like human nature. If your husband is communicating with this many women he also has too much time. The married man I was with spent hours talking to me and now in old age I realize how strange it is that he could give me this much time.

NP here. It takes two people to maintain a marriage. The problem with marrying a narcissist is that they don't pull their weight. They expect you to do all the childcare, taking care of the house/yard, and taking care of them. I am divorcing one now. Getting anything I needed from the marriage was worse than major surgery. According to him, he was perfect and didn't have to change a single thing he was doing, but I had to change everything about myself. If the wife is MIA, he's also equally not taking care of her. You basically try to lead your own happy life in spite of the fact that the other person is trying to make you miserable on purpose. They try to drive you crazy, so you have to distance yourself from them in order to protect your self and your sanity. He gave you that much time, because it was his choice to do so. Not because his wife wasn't taking care of him. He was "love-bombing" you and showering you with positive attention. They do that and they are very good at it.

How do you know he was a narcissist? You paint the wife as innocent and 100 percent the victim and claim the man has a personality disorder. Can you not imagine there might be men out there who cheat because they are unhappy?

The consensus from pps was he is likely a narcissist wanting attention. You can't compare a man cheating because he was unhappy with a cheating narcissist.